Making a difference

BTW Nov 2010

2010-12-01T03:35:00.005Z

Key take-aways from my 4th BTW at Palm Resorts (JB), Nov 2010:

1) Work for God is not to be a spiritual front but an outflow of a rich intimacy with God and in response to what God has already done first.

2) Realised my need to journey along with peers and resolved to take a decisive action to find one.

3) There is a danger of living in my own words, good in giving advice and wrongly assuming that I am living it out.

4) God of the "Even now". Joel 2:12-14

I have heard before that a lone ranger is a dead ranger. But I never saw myself as a lone ranger until this BTW. I had mentors I could go to for advise, brothers I fellowship with, my previous DG group. I know people in church. However, while all these should have a place in my life, I realise I do not have a peer who knows me intimately and my current journey. I have tried to be accountable to brothers before but it stops after a while. I pray for God to find me such brothers to journey along for the whole distance ahead. This is especially important as I am based overseas most of my time now and have put a hold to my IDT.

I have been exposed to Men-In-Covenant for two years now. However, it's only over this BTW where I begin to experience and catch the need of a men's ministry. We as men are more lonely than we look on the exterior. Amongst the leadership in MIC, I see the blessedness of journeying along with brothers. Leaders who embrace the confession of men, put an arm around them and pray with them. An authentic men's community is so powerful if we dare to open up and commit our time and efforts.

I was ministered to by God halfway through the BTW. My walk with God wasn't close when I started the BTW due to some distractions a week before. Although I wished I had remained more focused, but I learnt to journey along with brothers without having any deceptions that I am on a spiritual pedestal. I hope God did use me to minister to the brothers whom I prayed for.

I am thankful for my group. We broke the ice fast and there was a good mix of different characters. Some jokers and some more quiet like myself. I appreciated everyone's deep sharing and am encouraged by all our desires to draw closer to God. Hope that we can continue to journey along beyond the BTW.

Direction in life

2010-11-13T04:13:00.004Z

This is a response to a friend's sharing of how she intends to spend time to search for direction in life.

What are we to do with our lives comes from the deeper question of 'Who we are', our identity. Who we are determines what we do. A farmers grows crops while a doctor treats patients. There is a danger however in finding our identity in a job because jobs are not permanent. A doctor who loses his job will feel sad, but that does not mean he has got nothing to do in his live anymore. Our identity ultimately also cannot be found in the earthly names given to us. 'Andrew' will not provide the ultimate guidance for my life.

'Who we are' can ONLY be answered by FIRST answering the more important question of 'Whose we are'. This question will likely stir up negative responses in many people. 'WHAT! How can you say I belong to someone! I belong to myself! No one owns me, I am in control of my own life!' The human nature is such that we want to be in the center of our own lives. But is this the truth? The Christian truth teaches that God created us and we belong to Him. It would be interesting to research if other faith reveals a God who created them. Yes, we were brought into this earth through our mother's womb, but who created everything? There are many scientific evidence showing how life is unimaginably possible. If earth were a little closer or further from the sun, earth would be too warm or cold for any life to exist. The human body is the world's greatest wonder, the way it functions, it heals and its capability. Did all these happen by evolution, by chance or did a greater being created us all. Oh yes, and don't forget to take a look at the mountains....

So, the question to my dear friend would be, 'Do you believe that God created you?' or do you truly believe that you evolved from monkeys?

Mentoring with S

2010-10-08T03:05:00.005+01:00

I was frustrated.

I realised that the voice recording failed after spending time with a mentor.

I knew that the deep revelations grasped is more important than trying to capture all factual knowledge recorded. The failed recording proved to be a test. Now, I am convinced that deep insights were deposited despite failing to capture the well-crafted statements by 'Wu-Guai'. An engineer can never beat a lawyer!

Here's me digesting these insights:

1. Isa 40:27-31. 3 truths: God knows. God cares. God is in control.

2. The definition of efficacy provides a useful framework to evaluate and make choices. "doing the right thing at the right time in the right way with the right motive to produce the right result". Some things may be right but not at the right time or done with the right motive. Order matters here. Also, the timing aspect is where many of us are challenged.

2. We access our situations and weigh our choices with much pragmatism. Often, it's not the eventual result, but how we are moulded that matters most to God. God is in control of every outcome and He works everything out for the good of those who love him. The way we respond to situations and considerations we use in our choices reflect what's within us. A husband who says to his wife 'You bring out the worst in me' is absolutely right! When God aligns our inner posture according to His perfect will, often the former external weightings will change too.

3. Balance. The importance for balance is stressed by many. However, does it always mean having the pivot at the center? If there is imbalance to start with, the pivot should start at the other end and not at the center.

4. Obedience. The heart is deceitful above all else. There is the possibility that our motive for obedience is to put us in a place to want something from God. God cannot be fooled. Our basis for obedience has to arise from a desire to worship God and honor Him for all that He has done.

Where are the best lessons?

2010-10-07T01:42:00.005+01:00

It's weird.

We learn best through difficult times.

It's another paradox as to how the road of suffering often bears bitter-sweet experiences. Bitter while walking through it, but sweet at the end of each lesson.

These difficult journeys could take the form of challenging family/work situations, personal times of depression or wilderness and consequences of sin, to name a few.

They amplify the limitations of human efforts, harsh realities of the world we live in and our own sinfulness. Amazingly, we are led to a place of beauty if we atune rightly. It's a highway towards God's grace, comfort and power when we find our bearing. Paul boldly declared that God's power was made perfect in his weaknesses. Praise arising from such valley experiences can be more wholesome than elsewhere. Being fully convinced of God's love and the cross helps tear down defenses and take our first step on this highway.

Yet often we base our analysis and thoughts on finding the best and easiest way. Is this efficacious? In the midst of difficult situations or crossroads, we look for a solution. Actually, it's not answers, but GOD we need.

Love, not trust people

2010-08-15T12:06:00.002+01:00

Recently, I was caught in the middle of a complex situation at work. Much time and energy was spent in second-guessing people, figuring out the other party's plot and plotting on my side too.

It's a situation where you think you're right and everyone else is being unreasonable. Truth is, I personally have been inconsistent myself and have not been completely honest all the time. Furthermore, I can never put myself completely in someone else's shoes. Perhaps nobody has the intent to cause harm to the project and they simply view the whole situation through a different lens. I then have to be careful that I do not enforce my own pair of lens onto other people's eye.

Being suspicious of people causes one to be on guard and it's draining. Trust is such an important aspect of relationships. Contrary to outward appearances, I suspect many people find it hard to completely trust someone. Due to self-centeredness, we are all inclined to put ourselves first.

After some wrestling with the situation, I found a useful insight. Ultimately, I should trust God and love people. Only God is unchanging and I can trust that He has best intentions for me. Loving people through God's mercy and grace allows me to build a genuine relationship with them despite any suspicion or criticism I have. Afterall, we are all fallen and rely on God's mercy and grace.

Hiding behind spirituality

2010-06-16T13:30:00.004+01:00

Josh Mcdowell said the following at the Men's conference in May, "Men, don't hide behind spirituality to cover your wounded self". That, along with many reflections recently made me realize that I could be using spirituality as a cover for different areas.

I find myself very enthusiastic and energetic whenever I talk about spiritual issues. However, often when it comes to other conversations outside faith and church, I do not display the usual confidence. In fact, an ex-colleague once commented that I seem to be cold about many things.

Do I only find my confidence when I hide behind spirituality? It's easy to sound right when one has mastered the Christian lingo. Have I used spirituality to sound right and cover up my inadequacies and emotions within? It's a scary thought.

If that is true, what am I hiding from? Maybe a sense of inadequacy or rejection causes me to strive to give the right answer and put up false fronts.

I am learning how to be human. I don't need to overdo it and spiritualise everything. I simply need to rest upon the truth that God knows everything and He is in control. I want to learn how to just chill.

Best family worship ever!

2010-02-28T14:55:00.002Z

God has led me to take the spiritual lead in drawing the family as a whole (w/o my brother at the moment) to worship Him. Two godly women have encouraged me to take up the role over the weekend. It has been a difficult challenge since I came back to Singapore 1.5 years ago. I was looking forward to praying, doing bible studies together as a family with my father taking up his God ordained role as the spiritual head. However, it has been a period of disappointment and frustration and I found myself accepting the status quo to the extend that I would find it weird if my father were to initiate a time of seeking the Lord together. However, due to a deterioration of my brother's condition, it has driven the family more to desperation in search of hope and answers. I believe the battle has to be won at home first and thus I had to step up in spite of how convicted I am in the father leading the family spiritually.

There was a breakthrough this evening. I suggested a time of worship at 9pm during dinner and my parents agreed. I was advised to lead the family through a time of verbal confession of sins. I had in mind James 5:16 where God desires for us to confess our sins to one another. However, I didn't want it to be so obvious and thus lead the bible study from James 5:13-16 instead. I asked my parents if any of the verse spoke to them and my mum said James 5:16. Praise the Lord! My dad shared how there was a lack of love in the family since many years ago. In fact when I was in primary school, my parents contemplated divorce before. It touched my heart to hear how my dad's spiritual eyes are open when a few days ago he was just sharing that he felt he has provided sufficient love for my brother and myself. I release forgiveness to my dad. I know he do love me dearly. During prayer, my mum prayed about being a poor wife, that's the first time I heard her saying such things. She actually seldom say anything good about my dad. Wow, when God breaks in, it's just so wonderful. I realise that asking direct questions does not help at all. This kind of work belongs only to the Lord. I am not the Messiah! There were tears in my mum's eyes when we ended the prayer. Actually I should have allowed for more time for ministry. But it's alright. God is in control :)

My dad read some verses from John 1 about darkness and how light shines through. During my personal prayers in the evening, I saw the image of dark clouds and realise that it relates to the verses my dad shared! I told my parents that I believe a dark cloud is covering our family at the moment, but I also saw clear skies breaking through. I shared that prayer is a weapon in which the light will burst through. It's pretty cool, I am indeed learning and experiencing that impressions in my heart and even imagery are from the God. I claim them by faith!

Well, this is just the beginning and I do pray that our family will learn how to gain the victory which we already have in Christ Jesus. God has such great plans for my family.

Hallelujah!

Nothing to prove

2010-02-01T22:38:00.003Z

Adapted from Mentoring Paradigms (by Rev Ps Edmund Chan)

"Nothing to prove is a state of deep security in God
Nothing to lose is a state of absolute surrender to God
Nothing to hide is a state of true integrity before God"

During the last zone mentoring on 30th Jan, Tony asked us to reflect upon these 3 questions. I realised that "Nothing to prove" was what I desperately needed to grow in. I listed 3 areas for myself

1) Prove my spirituality to others
2) Prove my concern to others

"...We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts." - 1 The 2:4
"...We were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else" - 1 The 2:6

God, help me to build a deep security in You to forsake the temptation and pleasures of seeking praise from man. Praise from men is cheap! Tiger Woods lost years of reputation and respect through one silly mistake (one which I could make myself). Praise from men is temporal and conditional, even within the body of Christ. Satan rides on our pride to use minor arguments to divide the church.

Seeking balance, we are not to be indifferent and isolated from others as well. God has called us to live and grow in a community. We are meant to show concern and encourage others. How do we discern between an inside-out concern and an exterior concern?

During the zone mentoring, my heart was impressed upon by the defining attribute of God's joy in one's service. Perhaps it reveals one's posture as well. If I practice my spirituality and love others in a way pleasing to God, I believe there would be joy in my heart. However, if I were to do likewise with a sense of duty and obligation, my hands may be clenched and there is an attitude of seriousness. I suddendly remember Ps Edmund shared once that he looked for that joy in God's servant. Many people can serve, but how many serve with a deep sense of joy.

God impressed upon my heart a verse during QT and later again during a sermon in the car.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."-James 1:2-4

In the midst of a trial my family is facing, this verse really spoke into my life. This trial sometimes already feel beyond what I can bear, yet I am supposed to count it as joy?? This is just revolutionary...

Thus, two areas I desire to uncover the truth and reap the benefits from: 1) Joy from service and 2) Joy from trials.

"God speaks in quiet corners"

2010-01-30T01:30:00.006Z

A reason there is for inking
this entry in a poem.
Atune to how birds of the air
probably sing to another
with unique tunes and melody,
this is one composition
I pray God would use
to speak into her heart.

"God speaks in the quiet corners",
she says with conviction.
Impressed by the wisdom of her words,
she asks for it to be inscribed.
So a humble entry this is
in my pilgrimage with God,
sensing yet not exactly sure
where God is leading us to.

No way could I have imagined
that these writings posted online,
in a space more vast than the oceans
could minutely bridge two hearts
in the instance of a moment.
Perhaps one could sideline this
as mere coincidence or
simply the birth of a pure friendship;
but the peripherals of the circumstances
seem to reveal the hand of a Master
for a greater purpose.
Does God make mistakes?

Familiarity with me she has professed,
perhaps I realise not its significance
to a little girl residing within a lady
in a world full of dangers.
Can I provide the security she seeks;
I can't be certain except knowing
I desire to lean on God's providence
if He has called me to love her.

A chemistry beyond explanation;
joyful laughters springing from the heart,
beyond facial superficiality;
are these the works of divine knitting.
A rare sense of innocence,
coupled with witful cheekyness;
surely this is how God has preserved her.

As a tender shoot grows,
desiring to sprout the beauty
of what it was created for;
I find undeniable feelings budding,
cautious not to satisfy oneself,
but ultimately to sprout
the glory of the magnificent King;

But if I know not what tomorrow will bring,
a presumptuous faith I should not build.
I find a resting place to cry out
"Let thy will be done".
Even if pure friendship was the intent,
I seek to embrace it with a thankful heart,
for I know God desires a surrendered will.
Nonetheless one prayer remains true always,
that God will timely lead her to
her prince He set aside from the start.

"God speaks in the quiet corners",
she says not only with conviction,
but with a firm resolution.
This corner I desire to give her
and faithfully pray for her.

I thank and praise the Lord.

Job offer

2010-01-11T09:46:00.001Z

I have just been offered a job at a rather unique organisation, WTO. And no, it’s not trade, it’s toilet!

Over the past year, I have found an interest for Bottom of Pyramid (BOP) markets. Basically it’s doing business in the developing countries. My current job does not allow me to venture into BOP and I have been contemplating to move on to another job if the opportunity arises. Somehow, over the weekend, a relevant job just arose from nowhere! I did pray for God to open doors, but now when one relevant opportunity is staring right at me in the face, I am not exactly certain if it’s from God. Perhaps the fact that I did pray about it should reinforce the possibility that it’s of God.

I feel strange now because although this is an opportunity I have been dreaming of, I stand before this job opening with uncertainty, almost with fear and trembling. I am not sure if I would be up to the job. While I have been familiarizing myself with BOP, I am still not exactly sure what WTO does. A major consideration is also my career prospects. While I often share with confidence the potential of BOP markets, I am unsure if it can really feed my family in the future.

As I hear myself writing this, I realise that I am not meant to know everything that is ahead. I need to trust God.

Tearing my primary school report cards

2009-12-25T07:44:00.002Z

Rev Edmund Chan preached at the Christmas Service today. I sat with the team whom I am going to Pekanbaru tomorrow and am extremely thankful for it was a very relevant message to prepare our hearts for the trip. Over the past few days, God has already been tutoring my heart that He is in control, a main point of the sermon. It's so amazing to be in tuned with God, knowing that He is speaking and the 'random' inspirations I have especially in my morning QT are indeed of God.

A joke was made in the message about a kid who saw his father's poor results in his own record card. A wild idea then came across me. I pictured myself tearing my primary school report books and scattering a few small pieces in the sea as I head to Batam tomorrow. This is not to prevent my future children from seeing my report card. I intend it to be a symbolic act of breaking away from this negative self worth because of my bad experience in primary school. Christ has already redeemed us and set us free. These acts merely act as a reminder and resolution to urge us ahead.

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.-Phil 3:13-14

I am someone who finds it hard to throw things away. It wasn't easy to tear the report books. At several points, I thought that it's also meaningful to keep it as a memory from my childhood and where God has brought me from.

Could there be a natural inclination to keep to things of the past, to stay in our comfort zone?

I pray that whenever I am tempted to feel lousy as a poor primary school student, I would look back at this symbolic act and boldly proclaim "I am a new creation in Christ!" I look forward to scattering it across the seas tomorrow morning.....

Leading my best friend to Christ

2009-12-25T07:09:00.003Z

Do read the previous entry before this, it will be a double dose to the testimony of God's faithfulness!

Last Sunday, 20th Dec, was one of two evangelistic christmas services in CEFC. I often struggle in going without any pre-believing friends for such services. I invited some but none could make it. That morning in my QT, there was a sense of release from this subtle performance-based mindset. I went to church seeking to encounter God personally and was filled with joy. I sat with a sister whom I recently knew through the kid's camp.

There was a prior arrangement in the afternoon to visit my best friend from secondary school whose wife just gave birth to a baby boy (2 weeks old). We met for lunch at KFC@Jurongpoint before going to his condo. One thing led to another in the conversation and I eventually shared with him the E.cube and led him to Christ. The noisy environment around us was not a factor at all! God was present and it was a heartfelt sincere prayer my best friend uttered boldly to God. He has gone through much trials this year and God has already been working mightily. It was years ago since I started praying for him and God proved himself faithful not only to my prayers, but I am sure many of his other Christian friends as well. Am keeping him in prayer to be discipled.

If God had used me to lead someone to Christ earlier on in my walk, I would be more prideful. Today, I stand more humbled knowing that salvation belongs to our God. My faith is now more experiential, following the Hebraic understanding of the word 'Know' (that He is God).

Yesterday, I brought another secondary friend to the Mandarin Christmas Service on 24th Dec. His posture remains very guarded, but I know his heart was touched and perhaps one step closer.

By the way, after lunch at KFC, we went to his place to see the baby. It was really strange seeing a sec school friend caring for his baby! He's one of the first amongst the guys to be a parent :) We watched the movie Amazing Grace. It was fantastic! It's a great movie for a follow up, especially just after someone had received Christ :)

Praise Him.

Covenant Kidzcamp 2009-Oligopistos

2009-12-14T09:29:00.001Z

The recent Kidzcamp from 10th to 12th of Dec was my “BreakThru” Weekend!

To be frank, sacrificing two days of precious leave for the Kidzcamp was not easy, but I now realise God has blessed me many times fold. Witnessing how God reached out to young tender hearts led me to a deeper realisation of how real our God is. The theme of the camp was “Don’t Worry”, “Fear Not” and “Trust Jesus”. Although there were no groundbreaking sermons preached, the message, in all its simplicity, was taught through interactive activities, games and stories. I often wonder how much of the message gets across when many children appear to be restless and not paying attention. But time after time, I am surprised by the children’s responses proving that something was deposited.

Two especially touching moments during the camp. First was during the end of an ice cream session, a P2 non-christian girl came up to me and asked me to show her the memory verses (1 Peter 5:7 and Psa 34:4) in the bible. My bible “just happen” to be lying on the table (brought it for the Amazing Race) and I showed her the verses, including John 14:6, explaining what did Jesus mean when He said he was the Truth, the Way and the Life. She was as responsive as I could ever expect from a non-christian and it felt as if I would get a straight Yes if I had popped the question of whether she wanted to accept Christ. But I held back as I thought it would be more appropriate to do it in a quieter environment and maybe use some materials targeted for children to guide her through. I asked Jade about it later and she said there would be another altar call the next morning. I was delighted and looked forward to it. By the way, she accepted Christ that next morning  I am surprised by my own sense of surrender in this. I am someone who works very hard to build bridges, sensing for people’s readiness and will not hesitate to share the gospel. But I do know that in my eagerness to seek to bring people to Christ lies some hidden self-motive for merit. Especially now when the church is encouraging us to believe in God to personally bring someone to Christ, I still have nil salvations and I feel discouraged sometimes! So, I was surprised by my own sense of release when I found myself looking forward to this girl receiving Christ through the next morning altar call and not through myself! I think my vision of God’s kingdom just grew a little bigger. Still have NIL salvations, but that is perfectly alright 

Next touching moment was during ministry time on the last day. A P3 boy whom I have always wanted to get to know better outside of Sunday school was in my group (God knows my heart). During ministry time when the speaker called for the children to rededicate their lives to God, I saw that he was getting ready to stand up and I slowly stood up too. My heart melted and I started to tear as he walked to my side. I placed my hand around him and prayed with him as he recommitted himself. He shared that he felt he wasn’t obedient and my heart was immensely touched by a young boy coming to this self-realisation. It’s comical how he shared with another teacher how he felt strange that he could feel happy yet tear. God manifested strongly throughout that session and I believe many children and teachers were touched. I received from God a release of my sense of performance during that session, especially as I saw the P2 girl standing up to receive Christ.

Back to the grown-up world, it’s interesting how I now sometimes see the child in people around me. Much of our personality is already formed as a child. In as much as how these children need God and increase in their knowledge and intimacy with Him, we adults are no different. The child is still very much in us!

I sometimes feel like I have missed out on so much time to know and grow in God as He found me at the age of 23. The corrupted values and habits that have been ingrained before 23 needs extra perseverance and deliverance to overcome. In one of my time with God in the morning before camp, I pictured myself like a little kid in the camp with a rested assurance knowing that God already knew me then. It’s strange but somehow I felt like I attended the camp myself as a little kid. There were actually pretty vivid visualizations (I sort of remember how I looked like as a kid, also long skinny face) of myself in a kidzcamp setting. How cool is that!

Gosh, I didn’t expect to write so much, but yes, it’s all because I have been blessed tremendously. The two days of leave couldn’t have been more well-spent. And guess what, I still have 6 days of leave left for the year remaining even after deducting those days which I will be using for a mission trip to Indonesia after Christmas.

Another fact about kidzcamp, children do wear you out, haha…..

Rest in God

2009-12-05T10:25:00.003Z

Set aside today to reflect and journal on the past year. But before I write-up on the year, wish to journal specifically upon a subject God tutored me on during the start of the year-God's rest.

Only this year do I realise one of God's intent for the Israelites to conquer the Promised Land is to give them rest.

Deut 25:19 "When the LORD your God gives you rest from all the enemies around you in the land he is giving you to possess as an inheritance...."

Jos 21:43-45 "So the LORD gave Israel all the land he had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took possession of it and settled there. The LORD gave them rest on every side, just as he had sworn to their forefathers. Not one of their enemies withstood them; the LORD handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled."

The basis of God's rest is His love, His promises and most importantly, Jesus.

John 19:30-When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

I have heard the phrase 'We fight FROM victory', but yet I often fight from doubts, struggles and defeat. As I ended my extended QT today, there was a sense of release from the following areas:

-Need to equip myself (handling children, singing, knowledge)
-Ministry
-Evangelism, bridging bridges with friends
-Spiritual disciplines

These are positive aspirations. However, it shouldn't be pursued with a self drivenness but instead from a position of REST in God. I desire to make this my default position and I believe it will come about as I know Him more intimately. I live my life trying and doing much without fully believing and appreciating that my life is in His hands, and He is extremely concerned with me and has a purpose for me (which will come to pass).

In fact, as I am currently organising the mission trip to Pekanbaru, I can see His hand upon bringing the people together and the planning. Also, in my desire to bridge the gaps between my relationship with dad and mum, I can visibly see God's leading. Just watched the movie 2012 with parents last night and the main theme which spoke powerfully to me was the bond between father and son. Although I do not have a clear leading as to my vocation/career, I know He has a plan and He is ALREADY guiding.

Difficulty is that this paradigm shift goes against the conditioning of my life since young. It starts from primary school (I can't remember if i was competitive in my pre-school) where life is intelligence and performance driven. Maybe this is one of my primary blocks as I often share about how lousy I felt as a poor student. Until now, I still tend to feel insecure when I encounter areas of intelligence/abilities.

I thank God for revealing this so I can start the paradigm shift and am excited about the breakthroughs it will bring :)

Day of prayer on 24th Oct

2009-10-26T15:09:00.002Z

Had a transaction with God on the subject of Identity In Christ. I have read about this since the first few months of becoming a Christian, but how much of it has actualised over the past 6 years? My struggles with insecurity and lust arise from emptiness within. Much of my time is often spent on pursuing my passion on social entrepreneurship, church activities, family and friends. However, strip away all of these and what's left? The truth is that I should still have everything in Christ!

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ" Phil 3:8 (ESV)

However, these activities can often create a mist camouflaging my inner emptiness; hidden from others, and most dangerously, myself. Thus, it was refreshing to have my identify in God deeply reaffirmed during day of prayer. Ministry out of emptiness will bear no fruit.

6 months into work

2009-05-28T15:38:00.007+01:00

Apologies to friends who have been faithful in coming back to my blog looking for updates as there hasn't been any for the past months. Really glad I am making the effort to share and reflect now, mainly about work (which I am glad too).

During the initial period of my job, I often felt lousy about myself because there was much I didn't know about. With 6 months of retrospect, I was real foolish and was too hard on myself. Everything was new and it's my first job, how could I expect myself to be competent? I have learned to tell my colleague who felt that I was learning slowly that she can do it, but I just can't. And it's perfectly fine! The best thing one can do for himself is to be happy with who he is and do his level-best.

Several of my friends/colleagues are curious why I joined the department. It's a far cry from my studies/research and it certainly doesn't require a PhD. It deals with legal contracts and is largely an administrative job. These comments originate from sincere concerns and I do take note of them. However, it’s often the unseen which is paramount. When work gets monotonous, I rely on the faith that there is a purpose. Values are ingrained in this season which will not happen elsewhere as I focus on my attitudes instead of the environment. I'm someone who values the learning process despite not knowing fully where the present journey is bringing me.

Having said that, while I am unsure of the route, I have aspirations in work. My desire is to make a difference through my work. For example, channeling NUS technologies to help poor people outside singapore. My mind by default is like a radar screen picking up opportunities. For example, when I hear of a rice crop with higher yields, I would immediately think about the mission trip to Indonesia and maybe bring it to them. Also example would be how technologies related to water could be used in the villages I see where people are using the same pool of water for many purposes.

It's possible to be a dreamer outside of God's will. Thus, it's critical for me to wait upon Him and be sensitive to His guidance. It makes perfect sense because ONLY His purposes shall prevail.

I am intending to write separate blog entries on different lessons I am learning through work, so stay tuned!

Take care, especially my long-distance friends (you know who you are)!

Inside out

2009-01-24T09:57:00.008Z

A recent conversation led to the contemplation of life transforming principles. I believe it was a God anointed time as I started to experience breakthroughs immediately after.

It's the principle of inside-out.

Ps Edmund Chan calls it the Red Bar (External) and the Blue Bar (Internal). In 'Mentoring Paradigms', the external is defined by our affluence or acquisition (what we have), our associations (who we know), our appearance (how we look), our abilities (what we can do) and our accomplishments (what we have done). The internal focuses on integrity, character and the posture of the surrendered soul. It is a life that seeks to grow from the inside out.

An area I struggle with is my competency. This might be a surprise to many, but I struggle with language (spelling&vocab), being eloquent, and even daily common sense/sharpness displayed by others and which I am oblivious to. Especially since I started work, this self-doubt constantly arise. Also, I find it hard to engage the children whilst serving in sunday school.

Common advise may be 'Take it easy, you're still learning', 'We are all not perfect, just accept yourself'. They are true statements, but they do not deal with the root issue. I realise I have been so caught up with the external. Whenever I feel incompetent, it's because I 1) Focus on the external 2) Compare.

I am overly concerned about the externals because I lack a deep inner life. I have always assumed my inner life is pretty alright because of my spiritual disciplines and activities, but these are simply external yardsticks. My wrestle with insecurity and incompetency reflects otherwise. This is not an easy confession, because I find pleasure when others look on to me as a 'good' Christian.

It is foolish to orientate my life towards the externals. Because it is more peripheral than central, it becomes an endless pursuit of personal achievements and people's approval. No rest can thus be found. What reference do I measure the externals against? It will either result in pride or misery. On the other hand, reference for the inward is God, the most worthy pursuit which allows for imperfection along the way!

However, say what may, the externals are inevitable aspects of our life. The externals are often channels through which one makes an impact or influence on others. We cannot negate the externals. Instead, the focus has to be on cultivating a deep inner life to anchor the externals of life. Even the most sincere intentions would crumble without a solid foundation. Thus, the approach has to be inside-out. I will continue developing my externals, but I will not feel discouraged whenever I do not meet my own expectations(no sensible references in the first place!) and always return to the foundation. I learn to say 'It's Alright!' because the external is secondary.

The inwards is more invisible. As such, if I find faults in people, it would be oriented towards the external. Since the inwards is of utmost importance, I will pray for the person's inner life instead. Whatever judgment I make is definitely skewed anyway and what rights do I have to point any fingers when I myself do the same things.

The externals do not last.

2 weeks into my 'professional' life

2008-12-23T01:54:00.003Z

It's been a humbling journey. I have swung from being confident in making a difference in work to fear of being a bad testimony.

Just yesterday, a colleague was teaching me how not to include certain things in emails so as not to reflect badly of the department. Also, am needing guidance on basic matters. M is willing to guide and help me, but I suspect I do not portray the outward competence of a PhD graduate. That is OK :)

Much of Christian talk surrounds worldiness, how people are after the wrong things in life and self-centered. This has caused a critical spirit in me and I have elevated myself, thinking that I am better because I have made a better choice and am not self-centered. However, dealing with more people in the office have opened my myopic eyes to realise that there is more love and care in the world than I thought.

In fact, according to Romans 2, the person whom I view as selfish is actually myself. Perhaps my way of dealing with my own ugliness is to project it unto others-an area I need to repent of and come back to God. I have no rights to judge or even condemn a person's actions or words, therefore there is no need to cast any opinions. I believe that would help me to be more at ease and joyful in the office.

Start of work!

2008-12-10T00:50:00.001Z

December is a quiet time to start work as many people are not around. As much as I am prepared to go full string straight away, I suspect the initial pace will be slow. Am thankful for the car as it probably saves me 2 hours daily. My initial plan to take public transport first may have been me trying to be ‘legalistic’ in being thrifty and not fully appreciating God’s blessings. I thank God for a job which suits my interests and for a nice supervisor and colleagues.

It’s time to put into practice what’s in my head. Seeking the approval of God and not men (no excuse for bosses). Even though I have not started work work, I already feel the need to perform and examine my abilities, or worse, to pit them against others. What a curse of the flesh! However, I no longer live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit in Christ!

A recent flip on the CD player led me to Ps Edmund’s sermon on ‘Work’. I was reminded to excel in my work, like Daniel who came out tops in one of the most secular environments in the ancient world. I already caught myself looking at the watch yesterday towards the end of the day and that isn’t the right attitude, hehe. Lord, rid any sense of legalism if I spend much time on work, for it’s a calling as holy as serving in church or evangelism. In fact, there shouldn’t be any divide at all. Just as the Son is in the Father and I am in the Son, all that I do should be one. Beneath the problem of burn-out lies the issue of competence. Lord, grant me the humility to accept the level of performance in which I can give.

Will be interesting to see what I have learnt in the next few months.

Kung Fu Panda

2008-11-26T01:56:00.010Z

The DVD is out! Bought it immediately and watched it with a few friends. It's absolutely full of gems.

Some of the main obvious themes: Destiny, Believe, Focus.

Upon reflection, realise that there were so many deep truths to uncover. Shifu discovered the tactic to train the Panda, using food. During the finale of the training, Shifu placed a bowl of dumplings and told the Panda 'You are free to eat' but snatched it away when he tried. In frustration, the Panda said 'AM I??' and Shifu's reply 'ARE YOU??' (Perhaps true freedom is not wanting what we want). Then they started fighting for the last dumpling. Eventually, the Panda won, but instead gave the dumpling back to Shifu and said 'I am not hungry.'

'Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life...'-John 6:27. I desire to seek God Himself, not His power nor even my own transformation. 'Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.'-John 6:35. I believe as I encounter the person of Jesus Himself, even seemingly godly things that I pursue will fade away for He truly satisfies. Like Panda, I'll gladly give up the dumpling as I have caught the big picture.

When the Panda confronted Shifu on how he is going to transform him, Shifu wrestled with himself and finally confessed 'I don't know!'. Coming to a place without any answers is perfectly fine! I want to learn how to say 'I don't know' when I have no answers and only preach what I practice.

The world gravitate towards charisma and abilities. Everyone (except WuGuai) was shocked that a Panda, a clumsy fellow with a gigantic tummy is the dragon warrior. God's ways are above ours and He chooses the weak to shame the strong. Shifu felt discouraged initially because he was trapped within his own expectations of his own disciples that he had been training for years. Wu Guai led him to surrender his illusion of control to release him to simply believe. Eventually, the Panda defeated TaiLong not in the usual arena of martial art skills, but literally his own gigantic tummy! We do not wage war as the world does and our fight is not against flesh and blood. The Panda won because he realised that there were no secret ingredients and who he was was what he had and needed. Thank God for our identity in Christ, our all sufficiency.

'There is no accident' can simply be a mere comfort statement. However, if anchored upon BELIEF in a sovereign God who works everything for the good of those who love Him, we realise that there are indeed no accidents as He fulfills His destiny in us. Something I caught from breakthrough weekend recently is that everyone messes up and we seem to take a ridiculously long time to learn and be transformed. Again, that is perfectly fine! I will continue to mess up, but as I grow in my intimacy with Him, I will realise that the simple faith and His grace is sufficient.

Tailong was driven by bitterness and power, with an underdyling need to know how proud Shifu was of him. Shifu shared how proud he was of Tailong from the beginning and how his pride and love blinded him of what Tailong was turning into. He then apologised and there was a glimpse of Tailong being touched before his anger overtook him again. Being driven by insecurity will led us to nowhere, pursuing a scroll which contains nothing. I have already been blessed with every spiritual blessing.

'Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent."'-John 6:29.

Quotes
'There are no accidents'

'You are too concerned with what's what and what will be. There is a saying, yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift-that is why it is called Present'

'That is bad news IF you do NOT believe that the dragon warrior can stop him'

'The panda will never fulfill his destiny nor yours until you let go the illusion of CONTROL'

'Look at this tree, I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time'

'Maybe it can, if you are willing to guide it, no nurture it, to BELIEVE it'

'But I need your help master!'....'No...you just need to believe'

'Whatever I did I did to make you proud, tell me how proud you are, TELL ME!'

'There is no secret ingredient'

'To make something special, you just have to believe that it's special'

After breakthrough weekend

2008-11-24T16:56:00.003Z

Just came back from Covenant's breakthrough weekend. It's different from the Encounter weekends I attended in UK. Breakthrough Wkend was less structured with ample time for rest, personal solitude and group time.

Went to the weekend wanting simply to have a personal encounter with God (Simple faith).

Two weeks leading up to the weekend, my walk with God was more aligned through two areas from Andrew Murray's 'Abide in me', namely resting on the complete work of the cross and not my own spiritual strivings (Simple Faith) and depending on God's grace for living the victorious Christian life each passing moment at a time (Moment-by-moment Faith) instead of bearing the worries of tomorrow and fear of not being a perfect Christian for the rest of my life.

On the first night, Ps Edmund Chan asked those who believe that God was present to raise up their hands. I raised up mine without looking around or waiting for others and I thank God and celebrate that. Without that desire to build up that Simple Faith and God's preparation, those convicted hands might not have gone up. The statement 'A breakthrough is possible for me NOW' blessed me tremendously. It demonstrates how God has already been speaking to me and the weekend served as a round-up. During the altar call, I was focused on the finished work on the cross which made whatever breakthroughs possible.

An issue stood out when we were dealing with our history. It has to do with my poor self-worth because of my poor academic abilities. I experienced traumatic experiences in primary school because I was one of the poorest student. Until today, memories of me crying in class and how I feared teachers still remain. I could run and jump on Sports Day, but could not study. I remember my athletes teacher giving me a banner to encourage me in my studies because I was quite known for my poor academic results. I was posted to Chung Cheng High School (Branch), a below average school with only 2 Express classes. After which I was intending to attend Polytechnic, but had 16 points which enabled me to get into a JC. I was allocated Serangoon JC and appealed to get into Tampiness JC. My mindset is 'I had to appeal even to get into a JC near the bottom of the rankings'. I failed to get into NTU and went overseas. I did well in university and got offered a scholarship to do a PhD which I took up. It ended with a loud bang as my external examiner was from Imperial College and he noted that my thesis was one of the best he had ever read.

I used to feel something churning within whenever I hear or meet people from top schools. I often get envious of people whom I consider to be sharp and intellectual. After I became a Christian, my consolation was that these people do not know God and I do. However, I then struggled whenever I encountered godly people who are from top schools. Whenever someone mentions about being a lecturer, my instant reaction would be to share how academically weak I am. Whenever people marvel at my Phd, I feel a contradiction within and misunderstood.

Throughout my PhD, I know that the PhD was entirely from and of God. I reminded myself not to complain about my weaknesses since God is making a DR out of me. However, when I shared about this with my group during breakthrough weekend, I felt a sense of release and layers started to peel. I found myself again in awe of God's grace and love. When Ps Kai spoke about pride on Sat night, I realised that my sense of low self-esteem was rooted in the pride of wanting to be the best. I felt a sense of freedom as I started to renew my mind, that 'It's OK to not be the best'. Compared to many others who did not even attend JC, how can I say I am helpless at academia. More importantly, now that God has blessed me with this PhD with an ending which is exceedingly more than I imagined, how can I choose to reside in my pride of comparison and envy.

During the group time, I also confessed my sexual struggles on a deeper level as I ever had before. I experienced God's grace and love through the group as I felt accepted nonetheless. Through this breakthrough weekend, I realise on a deeper level the importance of a close community to share my life closely with.

I also applied the remove and replace principle in my struggle with pride with others. Instead of simply struggling to consider others better than myself (remove pride part), whenever I chose to realise how great a destiny God has for every individual (replace part), the comparison goes and there is a sense of joy.

All in all, I know I have met God in this breakthrough weekend.

'Abide in me'

2008-11-11T04:00:00.002Z

Starting on the 10 days of meditation leading to my first Breakthrough Weekend. First day is about yielding to God. Also reading Andrew Murray's 'Abide in Christ' and I have been blessed.

I could memorise hundreds of bible verses, spend hours of QT daily, spread the gospel to every stranger I see, yet not have an intimate relationship with God. Strangely though, aren't these meant to be the outworking of my faith? I realise I have been too caught up with the form and missed Christ. Funny thing is I have always considered myself to be one who is focused on the heart of the matter. Yet my insecurities and distracted mind reflect a lack of restedness within which can only come through abiding in Christ.

Andrew Murray writes
'Abiding in Him is not a work that we have to do as the condition for enjoying His salvation, but a consenting to let Him do all for us, and in us, and through us. Our part is simply to yield, to trust, and to wait for what He has engaged to perform.'

'And if the question is asked, 'But surely there is something for us to do?' the answer is, 'Our doing and working are but the fruit of Christ's work in us.' It is when the soul becomes utterly passive, looking and resting on what Christ is to do, that its energies are stirred to their highest activity, that we work most effectively because we know that He works in us.'

In much of my thoughts and discussions with people, I feel there is sometimes this invisible drift towards our efforts in being a Christian. Perhaps my mind gets distracted because of the tons of things I plan to do, even seemingly good things like MyHope Singapore, strengthening friendships. Jesus told his disciples not to be amazed at the fact they can cast out demons but rejoice that their names are written in the book of life. To abide in Christ, that's ALL I need to do. Perhaps I should not even use the word 'need to do', but to yield to Him.

Getting involved in Sunbeam

2008-10-05T08:47:00.003+01:00

Feel werid at the moment. Helped out for the first time in sunday school for primary school children-Sunbeam.

I feel it's where the rubber hits the road. Above all my intellectual discussion of God's love, Sunbeam is where I am forced to walk the talk. J shared with me 'It's not about controlling the children, but communicating with them'. It really helped alot to shift my perspective from my own inexperience to deal with children to simply seeing them from God's perspective. Some were really rebellious and naughty!
With children, one has to talk the initiative, i.e., talking to children even when they do not respond!

Am not entirely sure if Sunbeam is the place where I should serve, but it will certainly force me to depend on God (and thus walking the talk). I do not have a bubbly nature and so I will just have to let go of myself and focus on making a difference in the lives of the children. God, lead and guide me.

Email to friends: Reflection from news

2008-10-01T06:57:00.005+01:00

Email sent to friends:

One cannot make sense of what's happening around the world these days. Events beyond anyone's wildest imagination are occuring at alarming rates with global impacts.

We are caught unaware and unprepared. Our perspectives change because life may not seem so secure after all. Plans change because of the year end bonus. If the largest banks in the world can collapse, how can one pin life (fulfillment, enjoyment, etc) on the condominium and the one million that we plan to make in the future? Well, maybe with proper planning and under the wings of the government, we will not be so 'suay' to land ourselves into deep troubles. But can one offer any guarantees that Singapore will stay the way it is even in the next 5, 10, 20 years? Are we 100% safe from devastating earthquakes? One lesson to be learnt even in the recent years of the world's history is 'Never say never'.

One question we should ask is 'What exactly is certain then?'. Conversations often carry sacarsm and relationships tinted by the lack of absolute trust because we have all been biten by deception-what's seen is not what it really is. Our world is gravitated towards the exterior when it's the credibility of the interior that matters.

I cannot help but feel there is something amiss in this world. Maybe others sense it too and if so how do they cope with it? I guess an easy option would be to accept it as part of life and not think about it. It's scary how most people live through a routine and not pause to think about life itself outside work, family and relationships. We are created too wonderful a creature to be incidental here on earth to lead a routine life.

The beginning of a wiser perspective to life is to be aware of the frailty of this world and life itself without losing the significance we were made to be.

Was certain about DSO

2008-09-25T08:46:00.003+01:00

As I receive the rejection from DSO (Defense Science Organisation), I reflect upon how sure I was that it was God-directed. So much so that I did not really apply for other jobs. All comes back to the big question of hearing from God. Don't think I will find a complete answer on this side of eternity, but one thing I have learnt is never to be boastfully sure. But faith is to be SURE of what is unseen right? I see it now as a tension between faith and mercy.

James 4:13-16
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

I used to think that praying 'If it is the Lord's will' reflects doubt despite having read this verse before. There is more for me to understand and apply this truth. For now, I believe that one's assurance can lie in self, not realising God's underlying mercy and grace. My confidence in DSO was largely based on the fact that I was a Singaporean with a PhD. It's tricky too, because confidence in God extends to confidence in self too. Reminds me of the centrality of our identify in Christ. Maybe I should learn how to pray 'If it's Your will Lord.....' (confidently).

Impressions in my heart

2008-09-01T14:59:00.003+01:00

Just got back after visiting some Covenenters in Avon Park. While going for my swim this evening, I came across two children at the pool. When I gently pushed a drifting float back towards them, they mustered a synchronised 'Thank You'. I had an impression in my heart that they could be the children of the Covenenters (Kong Yeow and Catherine) I was about to meet tonight. Lo and behold, I saw them again tonight.

Realise that the impressions I get in my heart sometimes are from God. Learning how to tune in to them. As I reflect, realise there is no key in listening from God, it's simply walking close with Him, being still and listening.

A prayer

2008-09-01T07:31:00.003+01:00

Real you are my Lord and God
Otherwise things will not
Be the way they are today
So forgive me Lord
For doubts and lack of faith

Into your love I come afresh
Freeing myself from all legalism
Even things I want to do for you
Seem so fruitless inspite of prayers
So let my prayers rise to a new level
And put first things first

Free me beyond my web of introspection
To love You and consider others
And surrender the pride of perfection
To walk in weakness and overcoming failures
Tuning myself in dependency on You

Human 'BEING', not Human 'DOING'

2008-08-30T11:04:00.003+01:00

It's has not been easy in the past few weeks as I am settling back home. I have been impatient and critical with my parents and brother. Also, before I got called for an interview with DSO, I felt aimless at times when I was at home lazing around and spending alot of time watching Olympics. I am one who do not like to sit around and do nothing, even if it means resting.

It's better now and I am also learning to be more patient with my parents. God is also starting to break through into my parent's lives and I pray that they will break with hinderances in their lives.

This verse came to mind as I am writing this.

"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth." - Psa 46:10

Lord, in my rush to make more effective use of time, help me to be still and know you are God.

A new beginning in Covenant with dawn prayers

2008-08-05T03:06:00.005+01:00

Just two weeks after returning to Singapore, I have firmed up my decision to worship at Covenant Evangelical Free Church. I am thankful that God has confirmed my initial inclination to choose this church over the church (Grace Assembly) which my parents worship at.

First heard of this church when the senior pastor, Edmund Chan, conducted an Intentional Discipleship Making Conference in UK in Jan 2007. My first time to the church center in Bukit Panjiang was in June 2008 when I was back in Singapore for a holiday. God already started to speak to me about making Covenant my spiritual home.

When I eventually returned to Singapore for good in mid July, I knew it was time to make a firm decision. My heart was torn because part of me wanted to worship at the same church as my parents as I wanted very much for us as a family to grow together spiritually. But I felt that Covenant is a place where I can build a deep foundation. After attending the service at Covenant on 27th July, I made the firm decision to settle in Covenant and told my parents about it. I am thankful that they are open to my decision, though I sensed that they would have liked me to stay at Grace Assembly. It was during that same service where I first heard about dawn prayers, where the church would gather together every morning for an entire week from 6am to 7:30am to pray. I was excited about this excellent opportunity to seek God at a deeper level and committed myself to it. It was also an opportunity to get my messed up bio clock right.

Came monday morning and I was actually 15min early despite only a few hours of sleep. It really felt strange, going to church at 5:45am! I was reminded of a verse I read the night before, '...these I will bring to my holy mountain and give them JOY in my house of prayer..' (Isa 56:7). I smiled at the ushers with a warm smile, and the Lord gave me joy as I entered His santuary. During worship, I shifted myself to the inner seats as the place was being filled. It was only after worship where I discovered that a couple (Donn and Meihua) who came to sit beside me were people whom I just met the day before. It was nice to pray with some familiar faces. Ps Edmund Chan shared about his burden that now is the season which Covenant is to be a witnessing church. I was so thankful for that! Witnessing has always been my heartbeat. It was very precious because God was assuring me of the choice I made about Covenant. It felt somewhat strange too. Though my heart resonated with the direction the church is intentionally advancing towards, I only knew a handful of people and I felt like a little fish in a brand new ocean. The service I attended in UK only had 20-30 people average. Later on in the afternoon, I received a text from Donn saying that my prayer spoke some things about decisions he and Meihua had to make. I seldom receive such feedback about the accuracy of my prayers and so I was pondering over how did it come about. In my heart, I heard the answer, 'Holy Spirit'. In my QT that night and next morning, bible verses and thoughts were anchored on the same subject, the Holy Spirit.

Tuesday. Although Ps Tony did not explicitly speak about the Holy Spirit, but it was centered on the areas enabled and empowered by the Holy Spirit. God spoke before man spoke. Prayed with Jeremy and Soon Tiang.

Wednesday. Ps Ann spoke about God security. I was surprised because I assumed that many there would have gone through breakthrough weekend, etc. Was reminded that this is an ongoing daily victory to be claimed. I started to see the continuity in the talks and appreciated the fact that God brought the church back to personal revival and not just the outward mobilisation of the church for witnessing. Prayed with Alvin and York Foong. 30th July was also my birthday and honestly, I was looking forward to a nice breakfast with someone I am starting to know better. But I was thankful that it didn't happen because I spent the morning with God in the balancony of the new place I shifted to.

Thursday. Again, transacted with God during dawn prayers. A day of divine appointments. Helped to clean the new center in Woodlands. Arrived 5 min late and my mop and vacumn cleaner caught the attention of a few, including Ps Tony who immediately assigned me to Ps Kai and a few others to the main santuary. There, I met Sharon, who helped me with IDMC registration. Danesh had his camera with him and one of my first words to him were 'Nice camera'. I shared that I recently purchased a DSLR and he asked me if I wanted to take some photographs on Sunday, not knowing that I was already intending to ask Ps Tony if he needed any photographers for Sunday. During a break, I sat down on a table where Ps Tony introduced me to May, Shawn, Angela and Shirley, saying that they are in his cell group. When I found out that they meet around my area, I immediately asked if I could join them. It was just a few days ago where I submitted a request at connections corners to be put in a cell around Potong Pasir. So the same day when I took my first step into the new center, I was given an opportunity to serve and a CG. Gave Ps Kai a lift home as he stayed only a few minutes away from me. I was deeply touched because as I was sharing about my brother, I could sense his sincere concern as my brother is going through depression. Before dropping him off, I asked him, 'Are you going for dawn prayers tomorrow?', with an intention of wanting to give him a lift. I realised how stupid it was to ask a pastor if he's going to church.

Friday. Before picking him up, I had the impression that Ps Kai would be speaking. During the journey, he was continously asking about me and my brother. He was thinking of people to introduce me to and he mentioned Sabastian Ku. As we got out of the lift walking towards the main santuary, lo and behold, Sabastian Ku was standing right there. We sat and prayed together during the whole service and I could sense a kindled spirit with him. He was submitting his PhD thesis that day and it's not usual that I meet another Singaporean with a 'Permanent Head Damage'. As I saw Ps Kai speaking on stage, I was so amazed. His mind was entirely on me and my brother even though he was going to share that morning. That afternoon, I volunteered to help collect some nametag holders from Suntec and transport some things from the office in Bukit Merah to Woodlands. The intent was to use my dad's car, but he was delayed and so I took public transport. When I arrived at the office, Jade Wong told me that she found someone with a car. While waiting, I made a trip to the toilet and said Hi to a guy in there. I later asked for his name and when I heard, 'Jason', I was reminded of this guy whom a friend (Valarie Quay) wanted to introduce to me. The story is that both of us, me and Jason, were supposed to send Val off at Changi airport some weeks back. Jason couldn't make it then. I was thinking, 'Haha, there is no escape for those whom God wants to connect.' Thankful for the dinner with Jason also. I 'dragged' a friend (Shawn) whom I had a dinner appointment with to the Woodlands center. He had just shared that he was afraid that being a Christian would be unfilial to his mum and during dinner, Jason brought up this point too without knowing Shawn's concerns.

Sat was the commissioning service for the new center in Woodlands. It was my privilege to be part of it. While queing for Bus 901 at the interchange, this middle aged guy wearing a shirt printed 'Cleaners' was standing in front of me. I assumed he had just finished his work and was heading home. I felt led to connect with him. Found out he is from China and he was very open and loud (which made heads turn). We sat together in the bus and we continued talking about his children, UK and US. The turning question was when I asked him where he stayed and he answered saying near a new church. I jumped onto that immediately and asked him whether he would like to go to that church. Then, I knew he was a Christian! He was already keen to attend the church and I passed him a mandarin flyer which had the times printed on it. Hope to see him again. The commissioning of the new center was a defining day for me also as I responded to God with regard to a struggle I have been having. There has been a sense of purpose and freedom since I made that response. Also, there was further assurance of an inclination I had towards someone whom I felt God was leading me to since GDOP.

I meant this entry to be concise, focusing on God's providence through one week. I realise all that I have experienced flows out of decisive obedience. Had I not made the firm decision about Covenant and attend the dawn prayers, last week would have been different. I would have missed out so much, maybe even the defining response on Sat. People are surprised by my commitment and availability despite being new to the church. The people may not be familiar at this moment, but God is and as God fills the church and lives in each one of His children, that's the foundation as I continue to settle in the church. I am deeply touched by the openess and welcoming spirit that is in the church.

First step into Covenant Woodlands

2008-07-31T08:10:00.003+01:00

One advantage of 'shaking legs' at home is that I can blog more often. Also a way of journaling how God is helping me to settle down in Covenant.

The months/weeks I thought I would need to settle down in Covenant has been expedited by God (Eph 3:20). Just today alone I found a CG group and was given an opportunity to serve in the opening service for Woodlands. All these came about simply from volunteering to help in cleaning the new building.

Since the morning, I had planned to ask Ps Tony whether the church needs any photographers for Sunday. While cleaning, I was assigned to Ps Chung Kai (whom I got acquainted) and also Danesh who is a professional photographer. Told him I just bought a DSLR recently and a while later he asked if I wanted to help out this Sunday. Wasn't difficult to give him an answer as it was in my heart already.

During a drink break, I sat on a table where most people come from a CG group meeting in hougang/serangoon area. Just on sunday, I asked for a CG group near Potong Pasir area. I felt led to ask if I could join the group. Looking forward to my first meeting with them. It's amazing how just after a few days since I made the decision on Covenant, God is leading the way!

Met Sharon also, who helped me and my dad get a place in IDMC, which I am very thankful for! Gained an insight while cleaning the main doors, which had many groves in it. It takes time and effort to wipe away the dust along the groves. Similiar to spiritual cleansing, what God is doing in a believer's life. Also, the sunlight would also reveal more dust which wasn't visible before.

God is speaking to me about community. Even after a morning spent in 'cleaning fellowship', I felt lifted up. Gave cards naturally to the stall owners whom I bought noodles and fruits from.

To all my brothers and sisters in UK, hope you're getting on fine. My journey in UK has been a precious one :)

28th Birthday

2008-07-30T03:32:00.003+01:00

Lord, I specially dedicate my 28th birthday morning to you. Thanking you for my past (even before I knew you) present and future experiences, shaping and working in me to fulfill Your INTENDED purposes in me. You saved my life twice physically (more that I am unaware I am sure) and there was an exchange on the cross where you have given me an ETERNAL abundant life through my faith in You.

After dawn prayers this morning, I thought of pampering myself to some nice breakfast by some nice scenary and spend time with God. Flipped open the street directory and saw the Zoo, but unfortunately it requires entry admission. Thought of East coast park, but it was too far. There wasn't much of a choice and I wasn't familiar with the West so I decided to head back to my new home. Spent the morning instead up in the balcony (it's a penthouse) spending time with God and catching up with some sleep. Come to think of it, it's my first morning in a new house spending time with God on my birthday. Wow...what a way to move in! Initially our family was thinking of moving to another place, but we believe that God led us to this place instead. It's a more spacious and humble place to stay. Brother decided not to stay with us, but my Dad has a strong feeling that he will come back soon. I have the same impression :)

A photograph overlooking the balcony. What an ideal place to pray for the country!

Ps Ann spoke about security. Being set free so we can help set others free. Insecurity is something which I face in my life. Ps Ann said that everyone faces it, it's only a question of degree. I can trace many issues I struggle with back to insecurity. The need to compare myself with others, even spiritually, boils back to my identity in Christ. In my relationship with others, I can interact best when I feel secure about myself. On the contrary, insecurity would led me to bother excessively about their opinions of me. Even in my seemingly good intentions and efforts to build bridges with people, it can be a form of security. When facing the difficult side of singlehood, I have to beware of not taking the easy way out of finding acceptance and significance through a relationship. In my struggle with my sexuality, I do not want to seek comfort through ways which are not intended to be. I am SECURE IN CHRIST, nothing can change that, irregardless of how I feel or embarassing the situation is.

Looking forward to Japanese buffet tonight with family. Lord, give me the sensitivity and courage to initiate the family to seek You together today.

Firm decision on Covenant Evangelical Free Church

2008-07-28T03:21:00.002+01:00

As I settle back in Singapore, the only two churches which I have considered so far are Grace Assembly which my parents are attending and Covenant Evangelical Free Church. I told my parents last night firmly that I have decided to go to CEFC. Initially I thought I would legitimately 'church-hop' for a couple of months as I settle back in Singapore. However, I am convicted of CEFC's emphasis on the Word and discipleship making.

Just these two days alone, I can see God's hand upon this church. He provided in abundance for the new Woodlands center and also granted TOP just a week before the date they have announced they are moving in (in faith). What amazes me isn't so much the 27 million that God provided, it's the timing. Imagine...He provided all of that just at the very last moment when it's all needed. I have had several cases in my life where I see His guidance and providence at the very end. It's nerve rattling during the waiting process, but this is how He builds faith up! Thank God for the trust and sensitivity of the leadership in CEFC.

Attended my first dawn prayer this morning. God brought the words about bringing joy into His house of prayer as I stepped into the church. It was a service which reaffirmed my decision about CEFC. Ps Edmund shared about the burden God is now placing on his heart, which is that CEFC will be a witnessing church, from the local neighbourhood to worldwide. It's the same heartbeat God has given me. What better place to start my spiritual journey in Singapore! It's not just a reminder to evangelise, but intentional for the next 3 months as a start and believing for visible results.

Yesterday's service was good too. God spoke to me about my inability to fully love him because of sin in my life. The sermon was 2 Cor 7:1 and talked about that which we must remove. It was a breakthrough and God reminded me He would strengthen me as I obey Him in the area of sexual temptations. 2 Cor 16:9, He'll strenghten those whose hearts are FULLY committed to Him. Also, got to know Alvin, En Qi, Ryan, Meihua and Donn briefly during lunch. Sat beside Donn and Meihua during the dawn prayer and I thank God for answering my prayer for divine appointments in CEFC.

Realise some things I take for granted that God would do and perhaps do not feel the need to pray about it. Gotta be careful about my self-deceiving heart. Wanna go back to my books on prayers...

Looking forward to moving to the new house too.

Graduated!

2008-07-19T17:48:00.008+01:00

Thank God there is no permanent head damage :)

It was a proud moment between me and God as I walked along the stage during the graduation ceremony. At the end of it all, I told my parents and aunts, 'The show is over'. The actual substance of the entire PhD is in the journey itself over the past 3+ years, I dedicated the graduation (with all its glamour) to God and rejoiced in it. Had fun wearing the gown. It brought a laugh on the faces of my parents and aunts. It felt like a dress and I danced around in it to amuse my friends. Was abit impatient with my mum for abit because of her fuss over the need for all the professional photographs, buying the video, etc. My dad also 'graduated' with a PhD in a matter of seconds as I put the gown on him, that was fun! My lovely aunt became my photographer for the day, thanks Aunt for all the effort :) I put alot of gel on that day and my friend saw the vain side of me as I was styling my hair again just before I went on stage. The last speech during the ceremony was especially good as it talked about giving a honest evaluation to managment and finding a job which you enjoy doing.

The two weeks leading up to the ceremony was fruitful. Started with Mark and Huifen's wedding. Felt bad about the lack of effort in organising Mark's stag night, fortunately it turned out to be pretty smooth as we had dinner at Nosh and went to a pub for a drink. The wedding itself was tiring. Headed to Mark's house at 6am to help him dress up. I admire the couple for making most of the arrangments themselves. It is NOT easy at all. Similiar to graduation, weddings are primarily meant for family and friends. There were 4 bestman speeches and i enjoyed giving mine. The content was from my heart. The loving atmosphere and people's laughter made all the difference. It hasn't been an easy journey with Mark and Huifen, but definately one with valuable lessons and I am sure God has His purposes for it all.

Travelled to Scotland (Loch Lomond, Oban, Isle of Mull, Iona, Edinburgh) with aunts. Thank God for He made so many fantastic arrangments, big and small, from accommodation to the weather. Highlight of the trip was Iona and my aunts thoroughly enjoyed it, it's a small island well suited for retreats. The hostel was the cleanest and most peaceful I ever stayed in and we attended a 9pm service at the Iona abbey. Drove around in a Golf, one of the cars which I was tempted to spurge on but exercised self control when I moved to Mark's house. The fruits of reward after exercising self control is great! Was rewarded again when my aunts bought me a Harrods shotglass at the end of the trip when I previously decided to save money on my endless spending on shotglasses. Got to understand my aunts more and more aware of the generational and gender differences, for example, being more careful about things and not taking things for granted. The background they grew up in is way different from mine, times were much harder.

Another highlight of the trip was climbing Ben Nevis. It was a humbling experience as I nearly thought I couldn't get to the top. On the way down, my knees hurt and I walked almost each step with pain. God tested me about my weakness for girls from the start and I am glad I focused on Him instead. It was a spiritual journey and I meditated around the verse He gave me for my viva, Psa 121, 'I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from. It comes from God, the maker of heaven and earth'. Literally, it was a dependence on Him on the way up and down considering my physical limitations. The long walk took close to 10 hours and I was glad to be back at Distillery cottage to assure my worried aunts and enjoy a nice home cooked dinner!

My sermon at the chinese church was perhaps the least prepared in terms of the script because I didn't have much time to go thorough it. It turned out to be another valuable lesson as I know that people's responses were due to God and not a well memorised speech. I spoke with a real conviction I had about God's Word and my prayer was that people would have the same conviction. I was touched by the get-together at a restaurant pub after church. I realise more about the impact I had made and I thank God for it.

I leave Nottingham with this in mind, knowing that I have left lasting impressions. Though I am largely unaware of how and what impressions I have made, I remind myself that that is not the focus. That's simply God working His purposes through me for His Kingdom. I pray that I would not be someone who would backslide after a real experience with God and having tasted His guidance and blessings. The working life in front of me will be a test. I also want to make the effort to remain in contact with people and continue to be a living testimony. It's time for a new chapter in Singapore.

This last photograph is the reason why I believe all the effort, time and money spend on my last trip to UK was worthwhile.

Picking me up

2008-06-23T16:23:00.002+01:00

It's so easy for some disciplines to slip away if I do not make the effort. I do want to continue updating this blog as a personal pilgrim and testimony to others.

Finally, I join the ranks of those with a 'Permanent Head Damage'. To be frank, I forgot that I am officially a 'Dr' now until someone jokingly calls me Dr Koh. It ended with a bang, with God showing me that this entire PhD is ALL HIM. I passed my viva with no corrections, which is really rare. Above all my time and effort devoted to my research, He has guided me all along and provided the opportunity to go to the States. God, thank you.

It was a smooth transition back to Singapore, because I have been back so often this year :p Really thankful of my relationship with my parents, and my dad as a mentor in practical aspects of my life. I believe my presence here is also a great support in the midst of the trials facing my family at the moment. Sent out a few resumes last week and I got my first rejection from Mckinsey today. Felt peace about it, simply because that means God doesn't want me to be there :)

Felt overwhelmed about the upcoming time in UK. Being the best man for a wedding, holiday with Aunts, preaching, graduation. Seeing them as 'tasks' will simply kill all the joy and fun. My prayer right now is that I would look forward to them with thanksgiving and joy to be part of these significant events.

Recently went to KL and it was great meeting up with WL, CE, DT, EL, SW, YS and mum. Spent over an hour playing games with WL and CE, something I have not done for ages, though it felt strange going to KL to play games, haha. Wanted to go-kart, but it rained and we all agreed we will do it next time! Was good to see people moving on :) Of course, everyone of us faces our own share of challenges in life, but it's God's of moulding and teaching us.

Felt disoriented throughout this day but am thankful that am picking myself up in God tonight. Blogging helps.

God, help me to put together the best man's speech, sermon and also travel arrangments. Comfort me in my loneliness. Amen.

Business mission trip to Chongqing

2008-04-28T04:05:00.003+01:00

God has given me the opportunity to travel to China straight after I finished writing my thesis. Have been telling my friends from China that I would very much like to visit their homeland, but I didn't expect the door to open so soon, 3 days straight after I submitted my thesis! Moreover, I have expressed interest in business and this open door happens to be a rare opportunity for me to join a group of businessmen led by the minister of state for trade and industry, Lee Yi Shyan. Destination is Chongqing, the land of 3 beauties, 'Shan', 'Shui', 'Mei Nu'. I have no doubt this is a divine opportunity.

When I first read the participant booklet, I felt overwhelmed because there were many CEOs and everyone had a wealth of experience. I thank God for this leap out of my comfort zone even before I have completed my Phd. I had no idea what to expect, only remember feeling like a fish out of the water during the first day were a group of 30+ people in suits were exchanging name cards with each other. Guess it was like any other social event, except at a professional level. I felt comfortable being in a suit for a week, guess because everyone else were dressed the same. We had meetings with the government officials from different areas and they shared about their developments and discussions were aimed at facilitating Singapore businesses in China. They treated us to generous helpings of food, it's a belief that it would be shame for the host if the guests left with empty plates on the table.

This is a trip of divine appointments. I had intentions to email Grace from Nottingham to check out for churches, but didn't get around it. I eventually thought I would ask the reception at the hotel. Who knows....on sat night when dad and myself were roaming a street in search for food, we came across this humble dumpling stall. I saw a calender with a cross on the wall and asked them if they were Christians. To the praise of God, they were and gave us the address of the church they go to. It was an awesome service, a simple room with chairs, keyboard and as my eyes were looking at the people in the room, I was greatly touched by how great God is. Another is during the end of a dinner where the minister was present and as he was walking out, I felt an urge to take a video. The moment I started recording, my dad reached out his hand and made contact with the minister. They chatted for a brief moment. My heart was like 'Wah...like that also can...'.

Brought the book 'Practising the presence of God' by Brother Lawrence along. Thin book, but packed with powerful insights. It was a relevant book to read as I was actively applying throughout this trip. To be able to connect with God not just in QT but in the midst of activities and the buzz is essential. Something a brother said which is deeply rooted in my heart, 'When I am not speaking to people, I am speaking to God'. Was memorising Psa 139 also and one thing God has spoken to me clearly throughout the week is of his omni-presence, it's a comfort and a reminder that I better be obedient :)

This is getting to be a pretty long entry. Believe me, I am trying as hard to make it concise already! I will forgive you if you decide to drop out halfway...but the best is yet to come :p Ok lah...make it point form so easier to read :)

The things God opened my heart and eyes to:

1) The people in China.
My precious moments were the times in the coach where I gazed out of the window and saw waves of people in the streets. These are the multitudes and after hearing so much about China, there they are, lost sheep needing a shepherd. Needing a hope which is stored in heaven and revealed through the Word of God.

2) A heart for these business executives.
Perhaps there is a tendency to assume that wealthy businessman tend to be more 'ungodly'. Afterall, business is associated with worldly things and we may automatically assume that these people have climbed up the ladder against the wrong wall. However, we all fall short. A CEO may not necessarily be more self-centered than anyone walking in the streets. In fact, over the past week, I have seen many people helping and looking out for each other as a team. I asked a member of the team whether she came across many Christians in the business world and she said no. No doubt this is a ministry by itself. Imagine what a difference these people could make if they knew the truth about life!

I do not see myself to possess important qualities of a top level executive, particularly in the area of networking where small talk is needed. However, there are things which God has put in my life which may lead me along this path. I am praying to God that if this is one day where He wants me to be, it's through Him, because I know that by myself, I cannot do it. Someone commented that smoking/ktv is an excellent way to network with people, in my mind, I was thinking 'God will provide the divine appointments'. I have to be tactful also though. Towards the end, there was talk about doing 'sexy' business. I literally said 'No way' out loud and I must have looked very serious.

I wonder whether one day I will end up in China, haha, exciting thought. Whatever it is, I must remind myself not to rush and my first job will merely be a stepping stone. Think big, Start small, Build deep. One aspect of building deep at the moment besides God is also improving my Chinese. Again, that's one of my weak areas where I need to depend on God's strength if I were to look to China.

Thank God for this exposure over the past week. Although there wasn't any direct benefits for me, but it's a sign that God provides divine appointments and He is watching over me and you :)

Reflections from Saul

2008-04-09T11:59:00.005+01:00

Reading 1 Samuel and many things about Saul struck me. So often, when I think of David and Saul, I see myself as David and would never imagine myself to be like Saul. But upon reading it again, I realise how much of a Saul is there in me.

It's quite amazing how well Saul started out. Samuel annointed him, God changed his heart and turned him into another man (1 Sam 10). He even had the heart to forgive those who did not initially acknowledge his kingship. He acknowledged God in his victory. Similiar to how Israel tried to depend on past victories (1 Sam 4) but were utterly defeated by the Philistines, I cannot assume that I am alright because I see God's hand in my life. When God was displeased with Saul, Saul continued to lead Israel into victories. It's more to do with God's will than ourselves. The only victory which we can count on is the cross. It's a daily renewal of self and continual dependence upon God.

Recently was reminded by a sister, 'When I face a difficult situation, do I instinctly turn to God first or people for counsel?'. It reflects my theology. When Saul started to turn away from God, he made decisions first before the priests reminded him to inquire of God. Many times, I have made my own plans without bringing them before God first. Am not saying I should fast or pray for long hours before making every single decision, but to acknowledge Him in my heart in everything.

Saul put his self-image before obedience to God. He did not totally wipe out the Amalekites because he was afraid of the people and gave in to them (1 Sam 15:24). He even request Samuel to honor him before the elders (1 Sam 15:30). Every single day, I would find myself doing things for the eyes of others. I remember clearly in primary school when I was infatuated with a girl. I walked home everyday while her dad would pick her up and their car would pass by at a point of my journey. I often ran to that junction just so that she could spot me!

Saul thought he could justify his disobedience by taking the best of the plunder and sacrificing them to God. But God does not delight in burnt offerings as much as obedience. A valuable lesson. It's amazing to see God in the things I do whenever I take the small step of obedience and desiring to please Him instead of people.

These are valuable insights to caution me not to finish like Saul did. There are many things at the moment I want to do for God and have to remind myself that obedience is utmost.

Power of the obedient step

2008-03-31T23:50:00.002+01:00

I thank God for the encouragement I have received tonight. Just this afternoon, I decided to extend my stay in UK until I have submitted my thesis. I have been in a hurry to go back home. I felt peace after I made the decision. This evening,
1)Got a reply from a youth saying that they are benefiting from the previous meetings and would like to continue
2)Spoke into a brother's bgr situation over MSN, we both felt that it was something God wanted to say to him
3)A brother got back to me after I shared with him about a need for a guy mentor in the mandarin group here and asked me to set up a meeting with Grace
4)A sister whom I wanted to visit for a long time was welcoming me to see her after a holiday in Scotland

Am glad I am staying for a while more. I felt God reaffirming my decision to stay through these little encounters this evening. Looking forward to visiting Leeds and London too.

During SR's retreat, the first talk was on the power of the obedient step and seeing how God flows when we take obedient steps. I think the first small steps out of the comfort zone are often the most difficult yet most critical ones. God spoke to me about confidence and renewing of mind through the retreat. Am experiencing victory in the battlefield of the mind. Much more grounds to be conqured.

The fellowship to Cornwall was great. The group was made up of different people, but of one club, the lame club, haha. To be simply oneself and crap in front of others is something precious. Thank God for the opportunity to know more people in a fun way. Weather was great and although I visited many places before, but it was a totally different experience. I still have memories of the trip last year and it wasn't so much of the place I remembered, but the people. I realise that despite being up front and looked up to in SR, we are all very human. Also, people, especially girls need to be led.

More concrete plans

2008-03-08T12:24:00.002Z

Am thankful for the past week. Have more concrete deadlines to work towards. On Mon, I had a meeting with my supervisors with an aim of nominating an external examiner. Usually, it takes time to wait for a reply and the most uncertain factor is how long does the external examiner take to read the thesis. The latest date for my viva had to be around mid May for me to graduate in summer. During the meeting, one of my supervisors, Nick, picked up the phone and after five minutes, an examiner was nominated and he said he was available 3rd week of May for the viva and needed the thesis end of April. Wow. Everything was sorted, with a comfortable time to finish up my thesis. God is good. I am truly amazed. Interestingly, two days ago before the meeting, I decided to firm up my plans to go for SR retreat and return to Singapore after that. Initially, I was in a rush to simply return to Singapore and there would not have been enough time to properly spend time with people here, SR included. Realise that as I honour God and take active steps in making plans, God directs the way.

I continue to open my heart to God's grace this week, to rid my heart of a self sense of what's right and wrong. Putting into my heart Romans 6, to know that my old self have died and I am a new creation in Christ, to walk in the Spirit. Also Eph 1, to know of the every spiritual blessings that God has given us in the heavenly realms. Powerful stuff. Recently also been thinking about a tendency to allow my mind to drift and that could contribute to my 'blurblurness' and short memory. So making an effort to catch those wandering moments and dwell on God's word.

Watched Syrian last night and there was a special feature which was entitled 'Making a difference' as well. Watched the trailor for 'Darfur Now' also and I broke down. Is it simply emotional or something which God has placed in my heart? Was surfing through jobs in the UN and realise that many of them require advanced degrees and work experience. Maybe it's not the immediate step ahead but something I will bear in mind. Definately have more time to read the news now. I felt God prompting about working for DSO, doing research for Singapore's defense, but I am not sure where would that lead me.

Birmingham Chinese Evangelical Church

2008-02-24T19:31:00.000Z

Just back from a weekend away in Birmingham. Stayed with Ezra, Edith and Alethia. Know a few other people there too, and was especially thankful to be able to catch up with Kenneth again. Daniel, if you're reading this, you were mentioned and thought of!

Though short, but I was truly encouraged this weekend. It's a testimony of how God answers prayers (for a mentor) and divine appointments where authentic relationships are found through just meeting a few times.

Most things are caught and not taught. Am thankful for the opportunity to be in the midst of Ezra and Edith's family, to witness how they love and live with each other and cope with Alethia's situation. Conversations with them often surround other people with a true concern and otherness. Conversations can sometimes be about commenting on others, on personal weaknesses or difficult circumstances. But it's different with Ezra and Edith. Certainly caught the spirit of looking at what's good and right instead of dwelling on what's bad. There are enough people and our ownselves (as the main culprit) in being critical and the world needs more people to say positive things.

When I saw Kenneth, was reminded of God's goodness during my time in Boston. Knowing him and spending a few days with his family was a blessing. Though I didn't keep in touch with him much after I returned to UK, but I thank God for bringing him back to my thoughts and heart today.

Amongst the many things which I learned, God spoke powerfully to me through this verse:

1 John 3:19-20
'This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him.'

Beginning to renew my mind whenever I habour self-critical thoughts and am beginning to sense a breakthrough as I apply the truth that God knows everything and is greater than my heart! Repentance is about the renewing of mind. It started when Ezra shared about this issue after he prayed for me on Sat night and I continued to allow God to speak into my heart on Sunday and actively apply it.

Update

2008-02-18T21:50:00.002Z

When you run the 400m, you make a last turn before you give it your all for the last straight sprint. I feel like I am just at the last turn in my Phd. Another intensive writing for 2 weeks and I can ease off while I wait for supervisors to read and make corrections after. Current plan is to return to Singapore on 10th March.

Updated CV and saw a career advisor today who was happy with my CV. Planning to send it off to DSO soon. I believe God spoke to me about DSO, so I will apply.

When I first came back from Singapore, it was on the subject of daily obedience. Recently the subject of relying on God's strength has been in my heart. How easy it can seem to be relying on God but in actual fact we are using Him instead. Relying on Him will cast away any anxiety. To deal with sin not with mere will power from our flesh, but live in victory because I am cleansed by His word. Woke up this morning to a fresh revelation of His grace after stumbling in a repeated sin.

Yesterday, Francis gave me a word, 'Stepping stone'. What's ahead is not an end by itself but a preparation for something bigger. I am still so young! Have to learn to be patient and not try to do too much too fast. It's a mixed feeling of excitment and uncertainty which causes me to simply trust God that He has already laid out the path for me.

Be blessed.

'Hidden agenda'

2008-02-06T13:14:00.000Z

It's been almost a month since I returned to UK to complete my thesis. God has been good. Am more aware of how He watches over the little things in my life and answers prayers. My thesis writing have been smooth, feel like I am cutting corners in some areas, but I trust that there is sufficient material and that God would grant me success. Recently, Karen, another singaporean Phd student in economics passed her Viva (Well done Karen!). She was told that the Phd would be awarded at the start of the examination, which is not common even if the examiner already had such intentions. My first reaction was that 'God is so amazing!'. Was surprised at my own reaction, that I did not feel the least envious. I trust that my time would come in God's providence.

I just read something which sums up an area in my heart over the past weeks.

From 'Learning at the crossroads' from Neil Hood.
'Ambition is not the problem, but what fuels it and directs it can be. Sorting out the complexitiy of our motives is not easy because of the presence of sin. At best we are broken and flawed people under reconstruction. Even a short time spent in self-examination reveals that our intentions are seldom totally pure. It's then that our expertise in disguising our real ambition kicks in, often clothed in high-sounding and creative spiritual language.'

Without coming to a clear grasp that I can do NOTHING to become more 'Christian' and that it is solely through grace that I am all I am, my life will be hindered by fleshy toil leading to empty striving and totally missing out on God.

Learning how to intercede for people and pray for the world as I read more of the news. Man..it's just clicks away, got no excuse!

Creative evangelism

2008-01-11T02:59:00.000Z

A recap of the opportunities I had to plant seeds through my time in Singapore. I realise with a little extra effort, evangelism can be made more relevant and interesting.

1) Morning of Christmas Day at MacRitchie reservoir. Was waiting for a friend while I saw two guys fishing. I asked them ,'Do you know that there is someone out there who is fishing for you?' and 'Have you heard of the phrase fishers of men in the bible?' Got to share with them about sin and the cross.

It turned out one of them is from St. Patricks sec school and so he has been exposed to Christianity since young. I reminded him that God is in pursuit of them. He was listening sincerely but it all ended quite abruptly because my friend arrived. I can but pray for him now.

2) Visit to the dentist, a young singaporean guy called Kenny. Got talking straight away as he was heading to germany and france soon so we were talking about the weather and of course, the condition of my teeth (which he was happy about :)). Didn't get to talk with him directly as he had to see the next patient almost immediately. However, I dropped him a thank you card in which I asked him, 'Do you know there is something in this world which resembles plague on teeth?'. Talked about how it keeps coming back despite our best efforts to clean it and how our sin can only throughly be cleansed by the Jesus' blood shed on the cross.

3) Hairdresser, a young malaysian lady called celine. My mum was with me so we were chatting about my studies in UK, etc. Managed to get them to laugh abit, saying how people do walk in UK while most people run about in Singapore. I asked her whether she thinks it is possible that there is someone who knows the exact number of hairs on her hair. She smiled and said no. I told her about how personal God is, how he cares for us and knows us intimately. Brief sharing.

All these were brief encounters and there were no visible signs of whether any difference were made, but I pray that seeds were planted and God would continue to reach out to them. But I realise that it's not difficult to try to relate God to the people whom we want to reach out to. Hopefully whenever the guy fishes, Kenny cleans the plague on someone else's teeth or Celine cuts another person's hair, they would all remember that God's eye is on them.

There were also occassions where I was wrestling to open my mouth. I.e. a electricity who came to service the meter, wanted to ask them whether he knows about the 'true source of energy in our lives'?. Also, the gas man who had the words printed on the back of his shirt 'Warming hearts in the city'. Can easily pop a question, 'Have you ever felt your heart truly warmed?', etc.

At the end of the day, it's obedience that God truly seeks. I can speak to a thousand people but continue to habour wicked thoughts. Let us be a repentant and obedient people :)

Is my sacrifice living?

2008-01-09T05:03:00.000Z

Taken from daily devotions, 'My utmost for his highest' by Oswald chambers.

Jan 8

'Abraham built an altar...; and he bound Isaac his son and laid him on the altar...' - Gen 22:9

This event is a picture of the mistake we make in thinking that the ultimate God wants of us is the sacrifice of death. What God wants is the sacrifice through death which enables us to do what Jesus did, that is, sacrifice our lives. Not-"Lord, I am ready to go with You...to death" (Luke 22:33). But-"I am willing to be identified with your death so that I may sacrifice my life to God."

We seem to think that God wants us to give up things! God purified Abraham from this error, and the same process is at work in our lives. God never tells us to give up things just for the sake of giving them up, but He tells us to give them up for the sake of the only thing worth having, namely, life with Himself. It is a matter of loosening the bands that hold back our lives. Those bands are loosened immediately by identification with the death of jesus. Then we enter into a relationship with God whereby we may sacrifice our lives to Him.

It is of no value to God to give Him your life for death. He wants you to be a 'living sacrifice'-to let Him have all your strengths that have been saved and sanctified through Jesus (Rm 12:1). This is what is acceptable to God.
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So often, my mindset is what I can do for God. But God demands obedience (Jeh 7:22-23) and a contrite heart (Psa 51:15-17). I do not feel entirely comfortable with luxuries of life and if I one day have wealth, I feel that I must give it away. From reading this devotion, I realise that I may have been habouring a wrong attitude. It's not so much about the sacrifice, but more about being a 'living sacrifice'. That means that it's more pleasing to God to not follow the evil imaginations of my heart (obedience) than to give up an entire fortune (sacrifice).

Am more and more convinced that God listens to the whispers of our heart. Just recently, I was wondering whether I would be able to see a cleaning lady whom I met when I first came back. Lo and behold, today while leaving for lunch with my parents, there she was. She was pleasantly surprised when I recognised her and she held on to my hand with a warm affection. Praise God.

Random reflections

2008-01-06T10:19:00.000Z

5 more days left in Singapore...*GROANS* I have not touched my research at all! Wanted to complete a chapter in Singapore. My thesis has been crying out to me, but not too long after I would either spend time with parents, out with friends or rather read. No regrets though :)

For the first time during church today, I felt a kind of dissatisfaction. Singapore churches are generally very well decorated and equipped. A friend commented today, 'Something seems to be lost in the midst of the shine'. Perhaps it's related to my feelings as well. As I saw hundreds gather and worshiping God, I desired more. Worshiping God in His presense is wonderful and Psa 23 says He is all we need. However, I can keep coming to church on sunday (or even attend BS/fellowship on a weekday) and my friends who have mindsets which go against the truth would remain stuck and lost. It makes sense how one can have the impression that Christianity feels commercial. I hope this is not me trying to be legalistic or wanting to do things in my own strength according to my own plans. With all things it's a balance lah. I can only share with others what I have grasp myself and time spent on 'Christian' activities helps me in that.

New year resolutions? Didn't really intentionally come up with any list, but things in my heart now are 1)Plunging into God's word 2)Improve mandarin 3)Read up on current affairs daily

Plunge is a strong word. At the night safari, I saw this patient 'mini-leopard' strolling by the water, looking intensly into it. Occassionally, it would pick up its paw and make little strikes at the water, as if it was about to feed on a prey. I was standing there waiting for it to plunge into the water, but it continued it's seemingly meaningless routine. To plunge is to dive in completely, leaving none of myself and not simply to test water.

Had lunch with Pheng Aun's cell group today. Was blessed by the brief encounter-felt loved and accepted. A guy named Paul was going to Saudi Arabia for work attachment, wow! Gotta pray that he would stand firm in his faith and discover God's plan for him there. I managed to remember everyone's name-a great feat for me!

Night safari and supper marathon

2008-01-03T03:54:00.000Z

Joined Meiyin and Charis in a tour of the night safari. It's Charis first time in Singapore and she is spending a few days with Meiyin. I also felt like a tourist in Singapore as it was my first time in the safari. Was a very pleasant night and it's something different from how I usually spend my time back home. I thoroughly enjoyed the peaceful nightwalk through the park. The weather was cool and it's an escape from the concrete jungle of singapore. (HINT:It's a fantastic place for a date!!) Some areas where creepy, I remember a path just beside a pool where it seemed to be the same pool in which we just saw some crocodiles in. There were some smoke also. Maybe it was intentional! Ok...test of my memory to see what animals I saw: Leopard, tiger, spotted and stripped hyenas, lion, ottar, bats, flying squirrels, fishing cat, porcupine, wolfs, strange looking pigs (definately not the char siew ones), hippo... Was interesting how we were waiting for a porcupine to erect it's spines and we didn't need to wait long :) I was reminded that God was with us and God is awesome, hearing even our little desires. Ok..the most awesome bit of the night? It's the experience with the leopards. Was at this viewing gallery with a glass panel seperating people from the animals. At one point the leopards came right up to the glass panel and one sat down while the other was pacing around. I bent down and got as close to them as possible. As the leopard paced literally inches away from my face, I felt this sense of awesome reverent fear. Man..that must have been the moment of the night! It gave me a physical experience of how I am to be in reverent fear of God. Without the glass, the leopard could have easily killed me with a lash or a bite. God, on the other hand, with infinitely more power, is also a gentle and merciful God. He didn't choose to lash out at the world with his power, but sent His son as a saviour and is patient, not wanting anyone to perish but all to be saved. Meiyin was also eager to hear the roar of the lion which I believe would give the same feeling.

After the safari, we brought Charis around to jalan kayu for roti pata and geylang for soya bean. An intended drive along Benjamin shears bridge turned out to be a mini-disaster due to my 'half-bucket full' of the roads in Singapore. It's quite scary because this reflects the way I live my life at times, not being sure of a destination and not having a campus. Well, I had the street directory but didn't rely on it. Gotta rely on the bible man! A little wrong turn also threw us off course quite a distance away and I had to take the CTE back down to town again.

After the food and a mini-tour of singapore, we ended up at pungol park sharing and worshipping God with half-baked guitar skills. Realise my guitar and singing skills are good enough for personal worship at the moment :p I believe God put the three of us together that night for a reason as we could all relate to the trails in our families. Thank all who made the night and morning possible!

Gifts bags

2007-12-29T08:26:00.000Z

My time in Singapore continues to be fruitful in terms of maintaining the friendship between sec/JC mates and heart-to-heart sharing with parents and others. God is opening up my heart to the elderly in Singapore. Had a chat with a cleaner outside the lift and she felt self-pity that at her age, she still has to work because of the increase in the cost of living in Singapore. Also, another cleaning lady in a toilet who automatically struck up a conversation reminded me of how people can be lonely, especially in old ages.

And today, was provided the opportunitiy to be involved in distributing gift bags to the poor in Singapore (lowest few percent). They are living mostly in Kreta Ayer, Kim Seng and Bukit Merah. The place I was allocated to was literally next to where I previously lived. So...these people are given 290 every month by the government and they survive on food rations. Majority of them live alone in a single-room flat. 3-in-1, bedroom, living room, kitchen, all together. Their bed ranges from a single mattress on the floor to wooden planks. Many of them do not have a stove, only a rice cooker. They are basically surviving on bare essentials. Our task was to distribute the gift bags (with noodles, can food, rice, toothbrush) and to complete a survey about their living conditions and check if they have any urgent needs.

Do not think I have contributed or made much of a difference today. These people are very well taken care of by the Resident Committee there. The RC knows these people by name, their background and their needs. Main thing for today is opening my heart to see a side of Singapore which often fades in the material pursuit of many Singaporeans. Nothing beats personal witness of these people. Though it was a few hours, but the impressions it made upon my heart will stay and I hope they will remain.

My dad asked me about the possibilities of going back and give them more things. Material gifting, looking over their daily living are all helpful, but how can one ultimately make a difference in their lives. Even with shelter and food, many of these people remain in despair, aimless and lost. They need love. They need to know that there is hope in life beyond what they are experiencing. Hope which is found in the truth about themselves and the world, the gospel. Each life is precious and each one counts to God. Does God weep whenever one of them passes away?

Am particularly touched today by a friend's heart and no-nonscience attitude. Could see organisational skills and the ability to get things done, out from a sincere heart. It's my prayer that she would accept Christ one day and know the best way to help people. It's important to find friends with kindled hearts, a heart for people. It's something very valuable.

Lord, never let my heart be cold. Break my heart oh God for the sin in my life and for this world.

First 24hr back home

2007-12-23T23:18:00.000Z

Today marks the second day since I came home. Been able to adjust to it well, probably because I have not been amongst the crowd yet :) Things at home are pretty much the same, except for the change of a few pieces of furniture. Was great to see my parents, although my first impression of seeing them was that they looked tired. Maybe it was the late arrival time in Singapore, but it's a reminder of what they have been through and the fact that life is difficult.

I eventually slept past 3am and woke up at 6am, unable to get back to sleep. This morning is similiar. Amazing thing is I feel so refreshed and awake! I have longed to be able to get up early and seek God in the quietness of the morning. It just makes a difference to everything. However, in the past months in UK, I have been unable to do that. Am glad I broke out of the cycle.

My grandma had a fall the day before and spent a day in the observation ward in NUH. Went to spend with time with her and aunts in the morning. It was a good time of catching up. I was encouraged by their light-heartedness. They have been through alot, each one of them with their own burdens to carry. Could see unity in my three aunts as they supported each other in a time where the extended family isn't as cohesive as before.

There was a secondary school gathering in the evening which was planned weeks ago whilst I was in UK. I thought it was appropriate to share about my experience in UK. I strongly felt God leading me to make it evangelistic and I have been praying for salvations that evening. Practising 'So you would come' by Hillsongs over the past two weeks on the guitar as to minister to people through it. God provided a nice venue and food despite the last-min preparations. Am really thankful for Meihua and Xiao ling who helped to contact everyone and accommodate last minute changes. Although 5 people could not make it in the end, but I am glad to see many familiar faces, some I have not seen for 10 years! (Elden, Meiling and Meijiao) During my testimony, I focused on two obvious signs in my life that God is real and working in me are, 'My attitude towards girls and sex' and 'My heart's desire for my life's calling/destination'. I got distracted during the sharing as some people appeared to be uinterested. I guess each time I put myself up front, it's learning more and more to focus on God, to simply be concerned for the audience of one and leave the rest of the audience to Him. I felt the time afterwards where I was singing some songs were really really bad. I had envisoned in my mind many times that people would be responsive and I thought the words spoke powerfully. However, I realise now that singing worship songs would be out of the comfort zone for them. Maybe I should have sung some Christmas songs. I actually picked 'Reason for the season', but I couldn't get the right key for that. Anyway, I trust that the lyrics spoke into their hearts.

All in all, there were no responds during the 'altar call'. The moment everything ended, I felt crushed in the sense that I didn't know whether God spoke to anyone of them. I have got over the dissapointments now and a sermon by Colin back in NCCC about praying for his father for 16 years for salvation encouraged me. It's not so much about how this one-time event went, but more about lifting them up regularly to God in prayer for our fight is against the rulers and authorities of this world. Two hearts that were certainly touched were Kelvin and his wife. They have a 6-7 month old son, smiley baby Steward, and they shared that it's their desire for him to have a religion. Their sending him to St. Hildas and have bought a place near the school. I told them that their love for their child is a glimpse of God's love for them and also the best thing they can provide for the child, especially wanting the child to come to faith is for them to know and be grounded in the truth themselves. I pray that God would bring this whole family to know Him, for Steward to be a true steward of God. It's been a good reminder that salvation belongs to God and ultimately it's about faith and obedience as compared to works in terms of ministry.

The whole day ended with a nice walk with my dad at 1am in the morning and a time of praying and sharing till 3am! One thing which was impressed upon my heart as he prayed was for God to use us as a whole family. A chord of 3 strands is not easily broken and I remember one of edmund's chan sermon, saying that it starts with the family. Family is to be placed above ministry. (1 Tim 3:4)

Man, if my remaining days in Singapore is similiar to my first 24 hrs, I would 'Peng san'! But God is amazing and it's wonderful to live for Him!

An earthly father's love

2007-12-06T00:06:00.000Z

Phew...the end of a long day. Though tired, but I wish to journal down something which I gained from God today whilst it's still fresh.

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!-Matt 7:9-11

This evening is Reason for the Season, an annual joint Christmas outreach by SR, CU and GVC. Was meant to be in the welcome team, arriving at 6pm, but ended up arriving at 8pm instead! Why???? Story goes back to sunday where I received a request from a friend in the same department. Got to know him and his family more this year and I am really appreciative of being able to share the gospel with him. I turned down his last few requests to drive to London to buy fish and celebrating his son's birthday at home because I am learning to say No and want to remain focus on my research. However, I said yes to this particular request which was to pick up his son, who is applying to go to Cambridge Uni and has had two interviews and an exam today. He told me that his son would really like to be picked up after the whole day. They stay in Louborough.

Practically speaking, it doesn't make any sense for me to drive all the way down to Cambridge just to pick up his son! But I saw it as an opportunity to spend time with him and his son in the car and deepen my relationship with them. Furthermore, I thought it would be a good opportunity to bring them to the Christmas concert if they were keen to go. Everything went fine and I enjoyed the time with my friend until I saw the jam in cambridge and we also had difficulty locating his son. My estimated time of 2 hours to travel back just in time for 6pm seemed more and more unreachable.

After we picked up his son, we probably took over half an hour just to get out of Cambridge. This is where the gist of the story comes....all the time while I was stuck in traffic, he was asking his son about the interviews and discussing the questions. I was fighting alot of thoughts in my mind. I literally felt being made used of. It felt like all he was concerned at that moment was how his son performed and didn't seem concerned about me who was getting desperate to have wings grow on my car to fly me back to Notts so I would not be late. I was reading the map and driving at the same time, trying to figure out the best way back. Was it really a wise decision to have agreed to help, and especially when the timing is so tight with the concert?

Well, I quickly re-affirmed myself and accepted the decision I made. What's more, I was beginning to see the situation in a different light. How deep the Father's love for us. How vast beyond all measure. An earthly father's love for his son was being demonstrated right there. It was impractical to drive all the way down to Cambridge, but what about a father's heart? On the way back, my friend's wife was preparing dinner for everyone and yet along the way, my friend bought KFC for his son. My heart was touched as I was reflecting over this and my critical thoughts of my friends slowly melted away. We are made in God's image and our love for our children is a faint reflection of the love our heavenly father has for us. Well, I am looking forward to the day where I personally experience this for myself. Am sure a buddy of mine can emphatise with this, haha.

As we were running late, I had the most natural excuse to persuade them to go to the concert. Afterall, I am the driver man and I was already running late. However, they were too tired and though I thought it would be a wasted opportunity, I will trust in God that He will touch them in His own way. So I decided to make a detour to send them home first.

Rob Steele, the speaker this evening, was speaking about God's love. I believe this is God speaking to me today. By the time I arrived at Beeston free church, I was already driving almost continuously for 6 hours. It was really refreshing to hear the choir and Rob's message. Was rather dissapointed by the few responses, but God definately worked through the event in His ways.

Putting the verse in context.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.-Matt 7:7-12

Am meditating upon the word 'So' in the last verse. Think there's something more than meets the eye in that. Any ideas anyone?

Authenticity (Hurts, Rejection)

2007-11-10T11:33:00.000Z

Issue of authenticity, hurt and rejection has been an issue I am facing in my own life as well as others. One is literally crippled if he were to walk in hurt and rejection. It takes authenticity and for the spirit of God to do a spiritual excavation as I realise I have hurts and rejections which I often pass away. And ONLY through the cross can I walk in freedom and wholeness as Christ lives in me.

Have I fully embraced the sense of rejection when a girl I like tells me not to wait? I always tell myself, 'She has feelings, but now is not the right time', thus habouring hope which can be draining in the long run. Bottomline is, am I brave enough to accept a no for a no and not rationalise to prevent myself from being hurt? It's so easy to get caught in a whirlpool of own thoughts and miss out on the truth completely.

The recognition and attention I desire from others is something which is not obvious in my often expressionless exterior-but it lingers on the inside. It manfests itself in various ways when I fellowship with others, especially in large groups. The easy way out is to see myself better than everyone and simply brush my rejection aside. The hard way is to acknowledge my crippling self image and confess my need for God.

The identify I have in Christ is more valuable than anything else and if I do not view my self-worth according to my true identify, I am crippled. The tricky part is this-I may have lived out this truth many times before and truly live in God's power, but that does not necessarily mean I am living in the truth at this very moment.

It's so human to face hurts and rejections. I guess everyone faces it, but to different degrees. Being the critical me, perhaps I face it more than others. But comparison isn't the point. God's grace and love seem the sweetest whenever I acknowledge my pain and come before Him. He doesn't reject me. Jesus asked the Samaritian women to call her husband and come back (John 4:16). His intention wasn't to ask the women to literally bring the guy she is living with to come before Him (it didn't happen at all). He wanted the women to be honest and acknowledge her pain and shame so that He could restore her.

God comforted me through an earlier event in John 2 where Jesus drove the money changers out of the temple. In verse 20, He said 'Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days.' The Jews replied 'It has taken forty-six years to build this temple, and you are going to raise it in three days?'. The temple were to the Jews their way of worshipping God, years of religion and rituals. Similiar to how it took forty-six years to build that temple, often I feel my old ways are so prevalent and how can I ever be delivered from it. It's so assuring when Jesus said He will raise it in three days. He meant his body. I am in Christ and part of his body. I have been raised to new life through Jesus' resurrection and no matter how adament my old self seems, how can I live in it any longer as it is dead. Jesus took three days as compared to the old temple which took forty-six years to build.

I journey back to the cross again.

3 Questions

2007-11-04T22:42:00.000Z

1) What is going on in my life right now?

Almost everyday, I would be thinking of the experiments and thesis in my research. I am progressing, and the end is in sight but I am unsure how much longer I need. My current aim is to complete all my experiments and first draft of my thesis before I return to Singapore on 21st Dec.

It's obvious my aim is research and I am devoting time to it, however, there's alot going on as well. Been devoting alot of time building bridges with people. Some has been fruitful, others not really. I am not as involved in SR and have not been attending Barnabas for the past month.

Have been facing frustration with the way I am seeing everyone. I seem to be on a fault finding rampage. Last week there was an outing at a pub because someone has successfully passed his Phd Viva. Was really put off by coarse joking and I just found it hard to be myself and smile and hide my critical self. When the friends I have been trying hard to reach out to and brought them to talks which I thought was clear and they should at least be starting to think about Christianity remain cold, I feel dissapointed. Of course I cannot reveal my dissapointment and continue to show love and patience. Also being judgemental about hypocrisy in others when I know they are putting up a front.

Put simply, life is a frantic scramble to finish my research in the midst of seeing myself as God and helping/reaching out to almost everyone I see with a need. I feel drained when I lose sight of God in all these.

2) What is God saying to me?

My life is disorganised at the moment and it's obvious that I am trying to do too much from my own agenda and not working with God. The fact that I get frustrated is evidence that I am not doing it with the right attitude. I believe God wants me to focus and not see myself as God. To trust in Him that even though I do not reach out to someone, He can still reach out to him! A friend mentioned that things should be effortless as God works through us.

He is working through my thoughts as well. My mind can wander about pretty badly and I struggle with negative thoughts. God has been teaching me through His word on the importance of the renewal of the MIND.

3) What am I doing about it?

God often lifts me up as I get down on my knees to seek Him in Word and prayer. It's all so clear in the mornings and as I start each day. However, the moment I step into the office, the battle starts as I get distracted by the behaviour of people around me and my critical self draws me far from God. It's really about identifying the thoughts which are unhelpful and living in the victory and love of God.

To stop seeing myself as someone superior who can help everyone who looks as if they need help. To not think of someone where I am not. To humble myself before others. To not see myself as God.

To be honest with self perceived rejection and be convinced of God's love for me.

To learn how to say No.

To know what I am doing and where I am heading.

End of mission week

2007-10-21T11:53:00.000+01:00

Thank God for the mission week that passed. Four laymen missionaries from Boston came to Nottingham to give a series of talks in the evenings from Tue to Fri last week. The topics were very interesting, 'Which road are you on?', 'God's love', 'Is faith resonable', 'God's promise for China'. Elder He, Kathy, Elder Li and Elder Sung are very successful career-wise. Ranging from establishing two companies to a MIT graduate who is back now as a visiting lecturer, I see how worldly success can be used to glorify God. I saw how one of my friend's eyes lit up (like in the cartoons) when I mention that one speaker was from MIT. Guess to be able to capture people's interest is important too.

Attendance wasn't really very good. A reminder that reaching out to the mainland chinese is not easy, requires continual faith, patience and prayer. The sacrifices the team made in coming is evidence of God's concern and interest for the mainland chinese. It has been a fruitful trip. People gave their lives to God. Pray that these people would be faithful and powerful followers of Christ. I thank God for the people I managed to kidnap to the talks. I believe it's part of the process of sowing and believing :)

An interesting encounter was on Wed where I already successfully persuaded three people to go. 15 min before leaving the university, I was making a call to a friend when a guy whom I recently got to know walked by. His name is Matt. I cancelled the call and asked if he was keen to go to the talk that night. He said yes and even went back for the talk the following day. He turned out to be the most responsive and open amongst everyone I invited for the entire week though he wasn't in my mind since the start of the week. I thank God for this divine appointment and His ways and thoughts are above mine many many times fold.

It can be frustrating to see non-believers being so adamant on their own mindsets and ways which blinds them from seeing who God is. However, being a believer doesn't mean I do not do the same thing. God desires to work powerfully in and through me, but often I am blinded by my own assumptions and beliefs which narrows the highway to God. I pray for massive reconstructions and breaking down of barriers for a open highway in which there are no speed limits!

Evidence of God’s guidance

2007-10-14T23:54:00.000+01:00

I have been seeking more actively the journey beyond my Phd in prayers, thoughts and conversations. There’s always this desire in me to walk the off-beaten track. Do not think I can ever be satisfied by the job of a typical engineer. Yes, business interests are there, but I have to be careful that the motivation behind that is not financial or recognition gains. The calling worth giving up everything in my life for is not merely to be a disciple of Christ, but to preach Christ through my life. I thank God for the testimony that He has made me so far. Someone who wasn’t able to gain entry into a local university is looking forward to, by God’s grace, return to Singapore with a doctorate. Really hope to inspire and encourage others of God’s amazing ways and sense of humor! There still resides in me this sense of fear of not living up to people’s expectations after I graduate, but it’s God that I seek to please and I can but rely on His strength for the trails ahead.

During my meeting with Thorsten on Friday, I shared about my desire to be an example of a Christian layman, specifically in the field of business. It’s a very bold statement to make at the moment because I know the slightest bit about business at this very moment. He advised me to speak to other Christians who are in similar fields.

This coming week, there is a group of four missionaries from Boston, US, leading a series of talks with an aim to reach out to the students from China here. They were at the Chinese fellowship led by Grace lee last Friday and I joined them instead of SR. Elder Lee was sharing about spreading the gospel. When he was sharing about his background, I was touched and convinced that God had intended for me to be there. He has excelled in different areas and set up a company based on some technology he has developed. Right now, he has sold the company and his heart is to serve God. God has already used him to inspire and encourage me and so through my life, I pray that it would point others to Christ as well.

A random thought from a walk with David, Tony, Sue, Dawn and Wilson in the Peak District on Sat. So often when I go walking through mud, dirt and puddles of water, I am so afraid of stepping into them and always make my way around them whenever possible. Man, I spent a hundred pounds on a pair of waterproof boots especially for this purpose! My boots are going to get dirty anyway, so why be so bothered by the water and dirt? I was reminded of the armor of God. I do not need to fear the things of this world with the armor of God. I began to walk more leisurely through it all. Of course I still had to be cautious and not foolishly dive into big pools of water.

Right now, as I am finishing up this blog on a Sunday night, I have to write about yet another dinner which I am sure did not happen by chance. Recently, there is a couple, Jonathan and Chin Ling who have been attending NCCC. Chin Ling gave birth to a baby daughter, Hannah just over a month ago. She’s one of the first babies I ever carried in my arms =) She has got very adorable and big eyes which just stares right straight at you. I definitely fail the test of being able to carry a baby without her crying. Guess I will need more experience. Though I cannot fully relate to what Jon and Ling are going through, but raising a child is definitely not easy, right from the start. I thank God for tonight, for being able to spend time knowing more about a brother. A time for sharing and mutual encouragement. I realise that Jon also has interest in business and he holds a doctorate. Saw God’s hand in there providing me with friends to be able to talk about my own career. Above all, I saw Jon’s heart in wanting to serve God. That is precious and I pray that God would kindle that passion in Him and give him divine appointments to be an instrument.

Thank God for this entire weekend. Pray that God would continue to use the mission talks this week to break down barriers and bring people to faith in Him.

Wonderful Sat morning

2007-10-06T14:44:00.000+01:00

Spent the morning and half the afternoon so far at home writing emails to people, spending time with my family here in Mark's house and writing up my thesis. Feeling really satisfied now after going full steam in my thesis for the past two hours. My head also feels very heavy now and decided to blog in taking a break and am reminded of something in the movie, 'Karate Kid'.

Haha, again, I got something to say about a movie. This one dates long long time back, the first Karate Kid movie where Daniel Son is learning karate from this old japanese man named Miyagi. During the start of the training, Miyagi said to Daniel, 'When you walk on the road, walk on the left, you're safe. Walk on the right, you're safe. Walk in the middle, 'Squashhhhhhhh' you will be squashed like a grape' It's about whole-heartedness.

Sitting on the fence is always very dangerous, you do not know where you are. God detests lukewarmness. If I commit to something, I better give it my all, if not, don't bother.

I was reminded about this as when I find myself really focused on my research, I realise the importance of single-mindedness. Previous distractions seems to fade in the background. Yes, I am sure finishing this Phd is what God wants me to focus at this moment. Woohoo :)

Congratulations Daniel

2007-10-01T22:10:00.000+01:00

Dedicating this entry to a dear brother who has been a blessing. We have been mugging in the office for the past month especially, often till 2-3am. He just handed in his dissertation today. Will definately miss seeing this person writing dissertation/facebook/msn whenever I walk out of the office. Not to forget heart to heart sharing while enjoying wine bought from Portugal and eventually Sainsbury.

Realise that God puts different people in our lives at different seasons for different reasons. Daniel has definately opened my eyes to be more people-focused. Often it takes effort for me to love people and it's inspiring to see how he build bridges with people in the office. Will definately not see Daniel as often as before, but memories remain and definately the bond will always be there.

So bro, looking forward to attend your wedding after all our talk about girls, haha :p Anticipating how many children you are going to have also!

God's heart

2007-09-26T22:28:00.000+01:00

While doing my experiments this evening, was listening to IDMF Talk 5 by Edmund Chan on the inner life. He used the incident of Jesus with Mary and Martha to talk about the importance of the inner disposition above activities and geography.

God broke my heart towards the end of the talk. Was reminded that all I needed to always bear in mind is God's heart for the lost. All self-defeating barriers broke down and frustrations melted away.

Have been distracted by many things, especially issues dealing with my longing for a partner. Try as hard as I might, I find it hard to fed it off. Realise the only way is to fill my heart with God's word and His heart for the lost.

As God spoke into my heart in a powerful way, breakthrough also came towards some personal judgement I have with a tough situation I faced last week.

Praise Him. He alone is sufficient.

Shoulder subluxation before church

2007-09-18T10:29:00.000+01:00

It's 20min before church. I left the house, just like any other sunday, preparing my heart for church. There was enough time to drive to church and find a parking space-wasn't a need to rush. As I was getting into the car, I stretched my left hand out to put my bag in the side passenger seat. That's when it all began. My left shoulder popped out of its joint. In medical terms, it's called subluxation, a partial dislocation. It first happened in my secondary school days (over 10 years ago) whilst I was playing basketball. I have had at least 10 repeated incidents since then. My case isn't serious to the extend where it needs surgery, but it remains a problem. It catches me offguard everytime it happens, and I can remember many of them clearly, because they are painful. There are some interesting ones, including one where it happened during a dancing class. Whilst practising, I suddendly went to the side of the room and held my hand against the wall high up in a desperate attempt to guide my arm back into its socket. Everyone was equally shocked and amazed. It happened once during my sleep as well-that was scary. The time where I really have to be careful is whilst in the driver seat of a car and I need to stretch backwards towards the back passenger seats.

Was in great pain after it happened in the car today. It came out at an angle which do not happen often. I relaxed as much as possible and tried to put it back, but just couldn't. I can usually put it back, usually within minutes. 10 minutes have passed, this time is much harder. In my mind, I was thinking I might have to go to the hospital to seek medical attention. It finally popped back after half an hour and I was thankful that I was still able to make it to church today. Though I missed worship today, but God revealed many insights to me in that 30min.

1) Interestingly, during my QT this morning, I thanked God for my health and body. This incident is a reminder of how blessed I am to have a functional and healthy body. It's only when I was immobolised where I could appreciate the freedom of having functional limbs.

2) The original and intended design is for my arm to rest in the socket of my shoulder. Anything beyond this design is disastarous. Lord, help me to lead my life according to how you have made me, to glorify You and to be happy with my uniqueness.

3) The car was packed just beside a huge tree outside the house. Mark has intentions to cut it in prevention of it falling. I asked myself in that 30min, what would happen if that tree suddendly falls at that time (yeah...one of those crazy thoughts), am I ready to meet God? Lord, help me to always be prepared with jars of oil with my lamp, ready to meet you when you come.

4) I prayed to God that I would be able to pop my shoulder back. I didn't know when it would happen, but it eventually did. God hears and He answers, but there may be a period of waiting. This period can sometimes be painful but we can only hang in there.

God gives us

TWO HANDS to provide practical help to the weak, oppressed and needy around us

TWO LEGS to bring the gospel out

TWO EYES to see people through His love

A MOUTH to share our testimonies and proclaim that Jesus is Lord

A MIND to be filled with His Word

A HEART to love Him and others

A BODY to take care of

and of course...our tastebuds to enjoy food :)

Be a blessing.

Climbing up Snowdon

2007-09-11T21:42:00.001+01:00

Snowdon is the highest mountain in Wales and England, standing just above 1000m. Climbed it this morning with Bernard, Tracy, Yan Shiang and her mum. Everyone did very well as it wasn't a easy climb. There were sections with continous steep ascends and we had to catch our breadth every now and then. We started our climb at 7am in the morning (second car in the carpark) and took almost 3 hours to get to the peak. The weather was excellent, though the wind and high altitudes made some part of the walk chilly. During the start of the walk, Tracy was often lagging behind with the camera in her hand. Too bad I didn't have my swimming trunks, because the lakes looked very inviting. Don't know whether there are any dangerous fishes in there though. It was good to begin early as it was only on our way down where we started bumping into people.

We left yesterday evening as the plan was to spend the night in Snowdonia and start climbing in the morning. God's hand was already upon the trip before it began. As usual, I wanted to do as much work as I could before setting off. Also wanted to change the car's radiator water which I left till the last minute. I completed the procedure of draining the water out and filling it up with coolant and water. I thought I was doing fine until I tried starting the engine and the temperature gauge was rising. I thought it takes some time for the water to go through the system and so I hurried back to my room to rush through the last part of my packing. Went back to the car after a few minutes and the temperature guage needle was at its highest, it went beyond the red warning zone! I knew that something was wrong and the car would probably not make it to Snowdonia, maybe not even out of Nottingham. After trying out some stunts, including shaking the car and trying to top up more water, the temperature would not fall. I was already late to pick up people, my packing wasn't completely done and worst of all, I may have to cancel the whole trip because of the car. Then I stopped everything for a moment and went down on my knees and pray. After praying, I didn't immediately get up, but pondered abit and cleared my mind. Then, it struck me, 'What if the water hasn't got into the system yet'. It was indeed that problem and the car survived a 330 miles roadtrip carrying 5 people.

Some reflections.

1) Prayer works! If I had continued my frantic search for solutions and not got down on my knees, I am not sure if the entire trip would have been possible.

2) The water level seemed sufficient on the top because it didn't flow through the whole system to cool the engine down. Am I internalising God's word throughout my entire mind and heart?

3) My dad said that air in the system would have prevented the water from flowing through it. Do I need to purge anything in me for God's word to dwell richly in me?

Was reading Psalm 111 in the morning and took it out to read during the walk too. Somehow I just couldn't get too far beyond this verse 2.

'Great are the works of the LORD;
they are pondered by all who delight in them.'

In the sermon this week, Colin challenged us 'Is a bird with it's beak facing skywards singing glorifying God?' I never thought whether an animal could glorify God. His answer was 'Yes, because it was doing what it was created to do'. Throughout the walk, I was reminded of this point when I saw the mountain and the sheeps. Must say God has allowed me to see more of Him through nature during this trip.

Colin added 'What if humans did what he was created to do?' Hum....good question to consider daily :)

Restless heart

2007-08-29T13:57:00.000+01:00

God, I have been unable to focus on my research this week. It's not because of any pressing issues I am currently facing, but it's a inner restlessness. Be the centre Lord.

In recent conversations with friends in Singapore, they all had common motivations, money being a big one. Lord, it's not up to me to preach to them about their ladder being placed on the wrong wall. Lord, I seek repentence for the pride in me in thinking I am better because I chose You and I am leading my life the right way. Lord, You chose me. Even though so many peers are building up their life, but like Saul, you can convert them anytime and whatever preparation you have put in their past will be used for your glory. Melt my heart with your love Lord, to be a genuine friend to others and thanks for that practical word of considering others better than myself.

People think life is all sorted out for me, especialy with my Phd. They do not know how I am seeking you for a direction for my future. Lord, many times I claim that this Phd is for your glory, a testimony of how a reject from NTU can return home with a doctorate. Thus Lord, help me to run the last lap with an awareness that you are there when I write my thesis and do my experiments.

'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'-Jeremiah 33:3. Thank you Lord for your reassurance.

God is the chair of worship

2007-08-26T21:57:00.000+01:00

Led worship at NCCC today. I met Francis Luckcock, who preached today, at a seminar we both attended last week. During the seminar, I meant to ask him what God laid upon his heart to preach so I could pick suitable worship songs for it. However, it just didn’t happen, perhaps I was too engrossed (with the food :p) during the lunch interval and the subject didn’t surface in my mind while speaking to him. After the seminar was over and when it came back to my mind, I was like ‘Alamak! Forgot to ask!’ I decided to step out in faith, believing that God is sovereign and He would guide. I was immensely touched several times during the sermon when I realised that there were many common ground between the worship and preaching-Our spiritual inheritance as a family, righteousness through faith in Jesus. There was even a common verse being read, Matt 5:20. I realise that God’s guidance doesn’t necessarily need to come with a ‘bang’ or obvious indication. In fact, I realise that while preparing for the worship, it felt like it was based on my own thoughts, but now I see that God so subtlety guided me. He was working with me, or should I say I was working with Him :) Though I was standing up there today, God is the real chair of the worship for He orchestrated the whole thing.

Even before the worship, I was already seeing God work. When asking for musicians, I sent out emails to various people and one of them is a guy who has not been to NCCC for a long time. He replied in an email saying thanks for not leaving him out. Although he wasn’t able to make it today because he went camping, I am glad I remembered him and its amazing how just a little thought and email can encourage someone. Really thankful and appreciative for Kevin who was on the guitar today. He was so willing to help out from the start when I asked him. Also, despite a late night, he drove 45 minutes to get to worship practice this morning which started at 9:30am, and he arrived exactly on the spot. Was good to see Richard, a good brother whom I have not seen for a while ;) Good to know that he will be coming back to Nottingham in over a week’s time. Worship practice went so smoothly, much faster than I thought. Had time to spare to have a nice lunch in the garden and chit-chat. Managed to set-up earlier than usual in church and it helps to not have to rush about.

Usually, when I am on projector duties, I would be so concerned about the projector, setting it up in time for 1pm, checking whether the projection is on the screen. Today, 10 minutes before the service, the projector has not even arrived yet. I was so surprised that I didn’t panic! My focus at that time was right, it was on God. In my mind, I thought ‘So what if there is no projector, we could possibly use the laptop screen. The aim is to worship God and a projector will not stop us from doing so’.

This is the first worship I led where I could really sense a much closer manifestation of the Spirit’s presence working in me. At times, I forgot what I wanted to say next. I didn’t panic and simply took my time. Periods of silence doesn’t kill! It was alright even if I didn’t follow entirely what I set out to do. The best thing a worship leader can do is to worship God himself at the same time while leading. I do not think worship leading is my area of gifting, but that doesn't stop me from helping out. It's amazing how I can have the courage to stand in front to lead a group of people to sing when I have only been in a KTV once in my life! Feel pretty embarassed about this actually, hehe.

People’s encouragement after the service is a true indication that my prayers for today’s service has been answered. That’s the point of today’s whole service-for God to draw close. Lord, open my heart to be joyful to see people drawing close and coming back to You. Even after the service, I was greatly encouraged. I realised that Lena, who was playing the piano, was playing for the Cantonese service as well after being through a morning of worship practice and english service in the afternoon. I don’t play the piano, so I don’t know how demanding it is to be on it for hours, but I can imagine it’s quite tiring. I was greatly humbled and encouraged. Also, I am greatly encouraged by a couple in church whom I can see are making a deliberate effort to spend time with people, to ask them how they are and to pray for them.

Praise God for the family I have at NCCC.

On anger

2007-08-23T15:54:00.000+01:00

Though anger is often directed towards someone, I believe in most cases, it isn't personal. But people often take it personal and it evolves into a vicious cycle.

When someone is angry, he is hurting. The hurt comes from within first and foremost. Unfortunately, it is often directed towards others.

A natural approach in dealing with someone angry is to be defensive, probably because it is perceived as personal and defensiveness is also a form of insecurity. After getting past that emotional spike, maybe one would start to rationalise the reasons for getting angry. I am one person who analyses alot. In difficult situations, I would contemplate on the rightness/wrongness aspect.

What would Jesus do?

Maybe He would look beyond the anger to see the hurt within. Compassion isn't about facts, but standing in the place of the one who is suffering. Considering my self-centerness and prejudices, it requires humbling myself and a glimpse into God's heart. It's been a while since I weeped for the lost or someone who is hurting because I have been full of myself and distracted by personal issues.

From Michael W Smith 'Second decade' album-Live the Life

For the world to know the truth
There can be no greater proof
Than to live the life, live the life
Theres no love thats quite as pure
Theres no pain we cant endure
If we live the life, live the life
Be a light for all to see
For every act of love will set you free

Lord, continue to break my heart and set it free to love.

People needs to be understood

2007-08-21T14:07:00.000+01:00

It's not about right or wrong.

There was a breakthrough with a close friend during lunch today. I make efforts to spend time alone with him, but in recent months, it often do not turn out well. There is this sense of frustration. He is going through some tough times with his fiancee and her parents. I confess that I have been impatient with him many many times and it has built up over the months. Whether or not I have a good reason to be impatient does not matter. It's not about right or wrong, fact is I have been impatient with him.

As we were walking to the foodcourt for lunch today, he again shared about the frustration he has with his fiancee. After listening for a couple of minutes, I offered a suggestion. It was met with a familiar response 'You do not understand me! You think you are smarter than my parents?' In my mind, I was like 'Here we go again...' Man, we have not even bought our food yet! When giving thanks for lunch, I desperately prayed for God to intervene, to give me wisdom and patience. I realise I did not understand the situation fully before offering the suggestion. There was this part in me which wanted to jump at his blown up response to a mere suggestion. As I tried to explain things, I realise that it would get nowhere. God started to change my heart and I began to listen, not to his words, but to his pain. For an instance, I saw his suffering through God's heart.

He needed to be understood first and foremost. It doesn't matter whether his attitudes are right or wrong-that's where I believe I always failed. I often try to change him. Many times I saw his frustration as a result of things he hold so tightly to and it's been 'Mission impossible' to try to get him to let go. I have failed miserably, leading to frustration. I am now reminded that I cannot change people, only God can. Moreover, in wanting to change him according to my own definition (no matter how right I feel it is), I am claiming that I know it all and am perfect.

Love comes before rationalisation. It's a human tendancy to analyse and reason things out, but it's not always about the right/wrong attitude.

'Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.'-1 cor 13:4-7.

I really thank God for opening my heart to see this-it's a valuable lesson. It's a first step in being a friend that will make a difference. Many people are not looking for answers, but to be understood and loved.

'No matter how right I am beforehand, the moment I get angry or lose my patience, I am wrong'

Purpose of bible studies

2007-08-16T00:12:00.000+01:00

Sometimes we lose the essence of things when they are done on a regular basis. Tonight I am reminded of the purpose of bible studies. I attend a bible study group from the chinese church called Barnabas fellowship on a regular basis. This evening, I was contemplating whether to spend the time to prepare a bible study which I’m leading in SR on Friday instead of attending Barnabas. In the past, I sometimes attend because of commitment, i.e, simply being faithful. Though it’s not wrong, but it helps to go one step beyond, knowing why I am attending these bible studies. It’s not about wanting to win any ‘Attendance award’, it’s about God, fullstop.

So if I were to prepare for the bible study and not go for Barnabas tonight, I would not have felt guilty, because I would have been investing time in helping to point others and myself to God. It was an issue of priorities instead-am I doing too much outside of research? Someone recently commented that he thought my Phd was a hobby as I seem to be involved with stuff outside research most of the time.

I read the passage that was going to be covered tonight and it surrounded one of the spiritual topics I am currently examining-evil spirits. So I simply made up my mind to attend Barnabas with a specific aim to know more about this area, especially looking forward to hear opinions from a pastor who usually goes as well.

As I was driving out of the university, I saw a rainbow and got encouraged :) Next comes the test…when I arrived at the church, I realised that the pastor’s car wasn’t there! I found myself thinking of whether to drive back to the university! Had to remind myself that it’s all about God, nothing else. Not the size of the group or the people in the group. God speaks, not man, and He can speak through anybody.

Amazingly, I picked up one important illustration which is relevant to Friday’s bible study from this evening’s Barnabas. Also, without me specifically sharing about my desire to know more about evil spirits, tonight’s discussion dealt a lot with that area. Although there’s still a lot I am still trying to get to grips to, I gained from tonight’s discussion. Along with all that, it was a good time of seeking the Lord and being united in the body of Christ.

Thank God for tonight’s Barnabas :)

A wife's role

2007-08-16T00:10:00.000+01:00

Read a friend’s blog today and she shared her perception of being a wife. One point which struck me was the fact that she saw her role as a wife as one who supports her husband in what God has called him to do. It echoed in my heart and brought me to examine how far have I gone with seeking God’s calling for me.

Having a better sense of where God wants me to go would provide more confidence in my future relationship. Marriage doesn’t exist for itself, I believe wholeheartedly that it can be such a powerful channel for God to work through as one supports the other. It would also provide my partner with more assurance in choosing whether I am the right one.

Don’t simply look for the right one-Be the right one.

And also, there is a time for everything :)

Transformers the movie

2007-08-02T10:16:00.000+01:00

I often gain alot from movies, even the bad ones. Watched Transformers (by Michael Bay) after church, and God continued to minister to me powerfully through the movie.

It's a typical good VS bad storyline. The Autobots, led by Optimus Prime, are the good guys protecting mankind from being destroyed by the evil Decepticons, led by Megatron. The visual effects were amazing, watching cars do emergency brakes and transforming into robots simultaneouly. Sam (played by Shia Labeouf), is this teenager whose first car is actually an Autobot. Just like many other male teenagers, he wanted a car to get the girls, haha.

What really struck me was the need for a SAVIOUR. Despite the busyness and activities of everyday life, many people are meandering through life, not really knowing what they are doing. We are a lost and confused generation, we need hope, a worthy example to follow. It's natural to look to ourselves for an answer, but it can't be found in our careers or even sincere desires to 'do good'. We really are needy beings, full of weaknesses and mistakes. We need a lord and saviour.

There were many sacrificial acts in the movie. My favourite phrase was, 'No sacrifice, no victory'. I love to take short-cuts and find the easiest path through life. But there are some goals which cannot be attained without sacrifices. Journey with God will be hard if I expect a smooth ride. I often get discouraged because I am not where I want to be. Am learning how to wrestle with God and have tasted how sweet the victory can be afterwards if I persevere long enough. Watching band of brothers too, a world war 2 movie and am reminded of spiritual warfare. It takes training, knowing who the enemy is and lots of discomfort. An autobot told Sam at one point, 'You are a soilder now'

Some of the Autobots were complaining to Opotimus Prime why did they have to go through so much to save mankind, with all their evil. It is worth it? The leader's reply was 'Were we any different?' He added later 'I have witnessed their capacity for courage'.

Decepticons were the name given to the evil guys. Likewise, Satan is the father of lies and one of his greatest weapon is deception :)

At the start of the movie, Sam tried to get a hot girl into his car. Though not an appropriate context, but one of his line was '50 years from now don't you want to look back and say you got into the car?' In the decisions I have to make now, it will be useful to evaluate them with a mindset of the future. There are some decisions which I know it's the right one but am afraid of making it because it brings me too far out of my comfort zone. I do not want to look back 10 years later and regret not taking that step of faith.

Be blessed.

God in business

2007-08-01T08:46:00.000+01:00

One of Tim Hughes's song, 'Everything', is centered on God being in every aspect of our lives.

All along, I saw my interest in technopreneurship (technology+business) as somewhat independent from my faith. The most I could muster was perhaps offering my profits (if any :p ) to Him and being a witness in the workplace. Nothing wrong with that, but I am beginning to see a new horizon-something bigger.

After the mission trip, I got a glimpse of the practicality in evangelism. It goes a step beyond knowing the bible and being able to argue or explain who God is clearly. It's about practical steps-bringing the gospel OUT and making Christ KNOWN.

The last time I went back to Singapore, I spoke to this ex-convict on probation working in the coffeeshop my Dad is involved in. It's part of a program called Yellow ribbon where people from prison get a new lease of work opportunities. I recently heard of Breakthrough at people's park, which is doing something similiar I believe.

A pastor we were working with in Portugal came to pick us up wearing a T-shirt labelled 'Prison fellowship'. He once said, 'If this guy kills someone, he will be my friend.', refering to a random person on the street. If Jesus were here right now, I guess we could see him heading straight for the prisons wouldn't him? It's about making a practical difference-bringing HOPE to people.

I guess even imprinting bible verses on bubble tea cups would make a difference. Maybe a cafe with a focus different from others? The possibilities are only limited by what God can do :)

Please pray with me for God to open my eyes to the needs out there and for radical aspirations to turn all that He has put in my life into blessings for others.

27th Birthday

2007-07-30T12:12:00.000+01:00

I'm 27 today. Approaching late-twenties already...gosh. I thank God for the past 26 years, especially in the past 4 years where He brought me to Him. At times, I feel that I have not achieved much at my age, especially when most of my peers back home have already had a headstart on their career. A secondary school friend have even got a child already! Though I know career shouldn't be the focus of life, but I still feel the desire to go out there to the marketplace. However, I believe whole heartedly that there is a purpose for my extended stay here in UK. My Phd has not been a 'Permanent Head Damage' experience but 'Prayer, Healing and Deliverance'. The journey has been tough at times, because academia isn't my cup of tea. However, I do enjoy brainstorming and being creative in my research.

Am thankful for the birthday greetings I have received. Each one of them is precious. It's funny how there seems to be a special need for attention today, telling people that it's MY birthday, haha. Realise I can actually laugh off my pride and my own foolishness. The other extreme is to keep totally quiet about it and not want anyone to know-disguised pride. Anyways, I will be spending the evening with a brother who has the same birthday and a small group of friends. Not sure if they would enjoy drinking, but I have a bottle of white port wine in my bag, hehe.

Going off to a nice lunch now with a close brother whom I just got encouraged by his desire to know more about God and the bible.

Preaching at NCCC

2007-07-29T22:02:00.000+01:00

My second 'yearly' sermon at NCCC. God already planted that desire in my heart before I was asked if I would be interested to preach, pretty amazing. Initially when I had that desire, I had the fear that it arose from my pride and felt that it would be too 'thick-skin' to ask if I could preach.

The passage is Ex 19:1-19. My dominant thought was, God pursues us, what is our response?-4Cs, Contemplate on who God is and His promises, Craving for God, Consecrate ourselves, Count the cost. Was confident of the content of the sermon and my greatest challenge in preparation was having the right focus, wanting to be an instrument for God to touch the hearts of the people listening and not for me to give a good performance for myself.

Woke up around 6:30 and I thank God that my focus was already on him, unlike many other mornings. Stayed away from the script the whole morning and simply did my own QT and focused on worshipping Him. Went for a run too. Was quite a rush to get to church because I checked the bus timings pretty late.

There were moments where the enemy cast doubts and fear. I prayed against the deceptions. Was reminded to embrace my humanity, that it's alright to feel anxious. Was reading Phil 3:12-14 and was encouraged when even Paul acknowledged that he have not taken hold of that which he wrote about. I realised it was my own pride in wanting to be perfect and felt that anxiety was wrong-a deception. Before the sermon, I started to become increasing self-conscienous and was distracted by practical stuff such as the projector. During worship, I realised that there wasn't any need to be concerned about anything, not even the sermon. I simply proclaimed that Jesus is Lord because I was preaching about Him.

I believe God used the sermon to speak to people and I am thankful for that. I am thankful that I felt comfortable delivering the sermon and could increasing see myself as an instrument wanting to make a difference. God has been so real and He is forever faithful. Thank you Lord. My prayer now is that people would stay inspired and convicted to deepen their relationship with God and offer more of themselves to Him. Well, it's a daily prayer for everyone of us isn't it :)

Mission trip to Portugal

2007-07-28T12:03:00.000+01:00

My first mission trip. Was hesitant initially because I am nearing the end of my phd and every month counts in getting those crucial results I need to write up my thesis. But I knew there would be less flexibility when I start work and it's never too high a sacrifice to make for God. Was also going with someone whom have inspired me in my walk with God-Kenny.

The 2 week trip enlightened my heart to experience faith being put into practise. When Kenny took out the guitar and literally started singing in open-air to a group of strangers, I was like 'Wah, this is what it's all about'. I can read a thousand times about God's heart and how I am to make disciples of all nations, but nothing beats really doing it. I do reach out to friends often and talk to strangers about God, but that first open-air preaching was really something-it brought me to higher grounds.

My lack of perseverance in continuing to play the guitar is because my strumming is not as natural as many others and I find it really hard to know how to sing along with the right beats. It's a fact that music is the least of my talents, but that isn't the point is it? When the needs comes and you're the only one around who is able to at least half-decently play the guitar, you do not have to be the best.

There were 6 of us intially (Kenny, Bee Lee, Debbie, Daniel, Trina and myself). Sinli joined us in the middle (late starter and early finisher :p). We worked with 3 local churches in Vizela, Porto and Lisbon. The first two were Evangelical and Bretheren and we helped them in their out-reach mainly through distributing tracks. We learned how to make balloon animals and gave them out to many children. It's not hard. Daniel overcome his initial fear of ballons exploding and got so excited about it at the end where he would keep the pumps and ballons in his bag ready for anything anytime anywhere (sometimes anyhow). Also learned this useful magic trick using a rope and knot which illustrates how Jesus takes away our sins. Realised how important it is to be able to catch people's attention and there are many practical ways in doing so. The schedule was nowhere as hectic as I was initially preparing myself. Spent alot of time fellowshiping with the church and missionaries there. Was able to take afternoon naps (siesta) too! First time I slept in a church-wasn't the usual churches I see with high-tech equipment and nice facilities. It was a room with a pulpit and chairs. Everything has a beginning right?

Portugal is one of the poorer western european country. Food is cheap there. I was really surprised to hear people saying I got thinner when I came back to UK after all that I ate there. The best meal I had was my first lunch there at this local restaurant. They served rice, potatoes, meat, salad, bread, wine for only 3 pounds! You can get a bottle of wine for less than a pound there. We spend many nights fellowshiping with wine, cheese and biscuits. They were valuable times for me to let go, share and be inspired.

I prayed for God to use me to bring someone to Christ whilst on the plane before touching down to Portugal. It didn't happen. The most tangible result of our work there was encouragement to the local churches. As for evangelism, I believe we planted seeds and will pray for God to water them. I personally was greatly encouraged by being able to speak to this lady about the world's suffering and God. I wasn't sure of her previous commitment to God but she mentioned that she is far from God and I got her to read James 4:8 'Come near to God and he will come near to you'. Really thankful that God brought her, someone whom I can communicate with. I struggle with being able to communicate with most people I meet because many of them do not know english, especially in the small towns.

It's very natural to reflect upon the trip and think upon what I have gained out from the trip. Do want to make the deliberate effort to continue to pray for the people in Portugal and I look forward to good news from that land. There is less than 1% of Christians in Portugal and many people are blinded by Catholism.

I thank God for this chance to be a blessing to others and I pray that I would continue to seek to be a blessing to others in the midst of my own weaknesses and struggles.

Making a difference

2007-07-28T11:28:00.000+01:00

Several weeks ago, I succumbed to Facebook. And though I haven't been very regular on it, it was a shift from my stuborness ever since I resisted Friendster and many more over the years. I didn't thought it was very practical and I was afraid of needing to compare the number of friends I have with others. I passed judgement whenever I hear of people getting to know girls through their friend's network without realising I could well be the pot calling the kettle black.

Well, here I am writing my first blog, another softening of my heart to flow with the culture instead of resisting it. I am doing this for a sole reason, to share how real GOD has been, is and will be in my life and to MAKE A DIFFERENCE in the lives of those who reads it.

Above all career aspirations, material goals, I believe seeking to make a difference in the life of others is a calling most worthy of my all-something which will bring me the highest joy, fulfillment and will certainly last beyond anything the world can provide.

Guess it would also remind myself of who God is to me at times in the future when the rubber hits the road as I get further out to the real world. I am excited to journal my journey with God and allow it to be a blessing to others.

My prayer is that God would use this blog for His glory because that is what it's created for. That's what we all are created for.