It's been a humbling journey. I have swung from being confident in making a difference in work to fear of being a bad testimony.
Just yesterday, a colleague was teaching me how not to include certain things in emails so as not to reflect badly of the department. Also, am needing guidance on basic matters. M is willing to guide and help me, but I suspect I do not portray the outward competence of a PhD graduate. That is OK :)
Much of Christian talk surrounds worldiness, how people are after the wrong things in life and self-centered. This has caused a critical spirit in me and I have elevated myself, thinking that I am better because I have made a better choice and am not self-centered. However, dealing with more people in the office have opened my myopic eyes to realise that there is more love and care in the world than I thought.
In fact, according to Romans 2, the person whom I view as selfish is actually myself. Perhaps my way of dealing with my own ugliness is to project it unto others-an area I need to repent of and come back to God. I have no rights to judge or even condemn a person's actions or words, therefore there is no need to cast any opinions. I believe that would help me to be more at ease and joyful in the office.
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
Wednesday, 10 December 2008
Start of work!
December is a quiet time to start work as many people are not around. As much as I am prepared to go full string straight away, I suspect the initial pace will be slow. Am thankful for the car as it probably saves me 2 hours daily. My initial plan to take public transport first may have been me trying to be ‘legalistic’ in being thrifty and not fully appreciating God’s blessings. I thank God for a job which suits my interests and for a nice supervisor and colleagues.
It’s time to put into practice what’s in my head. Seeking the approval of God and not men (no excuse for bosses). Even though I have not started work work, I already feel the need to perform and examine my abilities, or worse, to pit them against others. What a curse of the flesh! However, I no longer live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit in Christ!
A recent flip on the CD player led me to Ps Edmund’s sermon on ‘Work’. I was reminded to excel in my work, like Daniel who came out tops in one of the most secular environments in the ancient world. I already caught myself looking at the watch yesterday towards the end of the day and that isn’t the right attitude, hehe. Lord, rid any sense of legalism if I spend much time on work, for it’s a calling as holy as serving in church or evangelism. In fact, there shouldn’t be any divide at all. Just as the Son is in the Father and I am in the Son, all that I do should be one. Beneath the problem of burn-out lies the issue of competence. Lord, grant me the humility to accept the level of performance in which I can give.
Will be interesting to see what I have learnt in the next few months.
It’s time to put into practice what’s in my head. Seeking the approval of God and not men (no excuse for bosses). Even though I have not started work work, I already feel the need to perform and examine my abilities, or worse, to pit them against others. What a curse of the flesh! However, I no longer live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit in Christ!
A recent flip on the CD player led me to Ps Edmund’s sermon on ‘Work’. I was reminded to excel in my work, like Daniel who came out tops in one of the most secular environments in the ancient world. I already caught myself looking at the watch yesterday towards the end of the day and that isn’t the right attitude, hehe. Lord, rid any sense of legalism if I spend much time on work, for it’s a calling as holy as serving in church or evangelism. In fact, there shouldn’t be any divide at all. Just as the Son is in the Father and I am in the Son, all that I do should be one. Beneath the problem of burn-out lies the issue of competence. Lord, grant me the humility to accept the level of performance in which I can give.
Will be interesting to see what I have learnt in the next few months.
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Kung Fu Panda
The DVD is out! Bought it immediately and watched it with a few friends. It's absolutely full of gems.
Some of the main obvious themes: Destiny, Believe, Focus.
Upon reflection, realise that there were so many deep truths to uncover. Shifu discovered the tactic to train the Panda, using food. During the finale of the training, Shifu placed a bowl of dumplings and told the Panda 'You are free to eat' but snatched it away when he tried. In frustration, the Panda said 'AM I??' and Shifu's reply 'ARE YOU??' (Perhaps true freedom is not wanting what we want). Then they started fighting for the last dumpling. Eventually, the Panda won, but instead gave the dumpling back to Shifu and said 'I am not hungry.'
'Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life...'-John 6:27. I desire to seek God Himself, not His power nor even my own transformation. 'Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.'-John 6:35. I believe as I encounter the person of Jesus Himself, even seemingly godly things that I pursue will fade away for He truly satisfies. Like Panda, I'll gladly give up the dumpling as I have caught the big picture.
When the Panda confronted Shifu on how he is going to transform him, Shifu wrestled with himself and finally confessed 'I don't know!'. Coming to a place without any answers is perfectly fine! I want to learn how to say 'I don't know' when I have no answers and only preach what I practice.
The world gravitate towards charisma and abilities. Everyone (except WuGuai) was shocked that a Panda, a clumsy fellow with a gigantic tummy is the dragon warrior. God's ways are above ours and He chooses the weak to shame the strong. Shifu felt discouraged initially because he was trapped within his own expectations of his own disciples that he had been training for years. Wu Guai led him to surrender his illusion of control to release him to simply believe. Eventually, the Panda defeated TaiLong not in the usual arena of martial art skills, but literally his own gigantic tummy! We do not wage war as the world does and our fight is not against flesh and blood. The Panda won because he realised that there were no secret ingredients and who he was was what he had and needed. Thank God for our identity in Christ, our all sufficiency.
'There is no accident' can simply be a mere comfort statement. However, if anchored upon BELIEF in a sovereign God who works everything for the good of those who love Him, we realise that there are indeed no accidents as He fulfills His destiny in us. Something I caught from breakthrough weekend recently is that everyone messes up and we seem to take a ridiculously long time to learn and be transformed. Again, that is perfectly fine! I will continue to mess up, but as I grow in my intimacy with Him, I will realise that the simple faith and His grace is sufficient.
Tailong was driven by bitterness and power, with an underdyling need to know how proud Shifu was of him. Shifu shared how proud he was of Tailong from the beginning and how his pride and love blinded him of what Tailong was turning into. He then apologised and there was a glimpse of Tailong being touched before his anger overtook him again. Being driven by insecurity will led us to nowhere, pursuing a scroll which contains nothing. I have already been blessed with every spiritual blessing.
'Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent."'-John 6:29.
Quotes
'There are no accidents'
'You are too concerned with what's what and what will be. There is a saying, yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift-that is why it is called Present'
'That is bad news IF you do NOT believe that the dragon warrior can stop him'
'The panda will never fulfill his destiny nor yours until you let go the illusion of CONTROL'
'Look at this tree, I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time'
'Maybe it can, if you are willing to guide it, no nurture it, to BELIEVE it'
'But I need your help master!'....'No...you just need to believe'
'Whatever I did I did to make you proud, tell me how proud you are, TELL ME!'
'There is no secret ingredient'
'To make something special, you just have to believe that it's special'
Some of the main obvious themes: Destiny, Believe, Focus.
Upon reflection, realise that there were so many deep truths to uncover. Shifu discovered the tactic to train the Panda, using food. During the finale of the training, Shifu placed a bowl of dumplings and told the Panda 'You are free to eat' but snatched it away when he tried. In frustration, the Panda said 'AM I??' and Shifu's reply 'ARE YOU??' (Perhaps true freedom is not wanting what we want). Then they started fighting for the last dumpling. Eventually, the Panda won, but instead gave the dumpling back to Shifu and said 'I am not hungry.'
'Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life...'-John 6:27. I desire to seek God Himself, not His power nor even my own transformation. 'Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.'-John 6:35. I believe as I encounter the person of Jesus Himself, even seemingly godly things that I pursue will fade away for He truly satisfies. Like Panda, I'll gladly give up the dumpling as I have caught the big picture.
When the Panda confronted Shifu on how he is going to transform him, Shifu wrestled with himself and finally confessed 'I don't know!'. Coming to a place without any answers is perfectly fine! I want to learn how to say 'I don't know' when I have no answers and only preach what I practice.
The world gravitate towards charisma and abilities. Everyone (except WuGuai) was shocked that a Panda, a clumsy fellow with a gigantic tummy is the dragon warrior. God's ways are above ours and He chooses the weak to shame the strong. Shifu felt discouraged initially because he was trapped within his own expectations of his own disciples that he had been training for years. Wu Guai led him to surrender his illusion of control to release him to simply believe. Eventually, the Panda defeated TaiLong not in the usual arena of martial art skills, but literally his own gigantic tummy! We do not wage war as the world does and our fight is not against flesh and blood. The Panda won because he realised that there were no secret ingredients and who he was was what he had and needed. Thank God for our identity in Christ, our all sufficiency.
'There is no accident' can simply be a mere comfort statement. However, if anchored upon BELIEF in a sovereign God who works everything for the good of those who love Him, we realise that there are indeed no accidents as He fulfills His destiny in us. Something I caught from breakthrough weekend recently is that everyone messes up and we seem to take a ridiculously long time to learn and be transformed. Again, that is perfectly fine! I will continue to mess up, but as I grow in my intimacy with Him, I will realise that the simple faith and His grace is sufficient.
Tailong was driven by bitterness and power, with an underdyling need to know how proud Shifu was of him. Shifu shared how proud he was of Tailong from the beginning and how his pride and love blinded him of what Tailong was turning into. He then apologised and there was a glimpse of Tailong being touched before his anger overtook him again. Being driven by insecurity will led us to nowhere, pursuing a scroll which contains nothing. I have already been blessed with every spiritual blessing.
'Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent."'-John 6:29.
Quotes
'There are no accidents'
'You are too concerned with what's what and what will be. There is a saying, yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift-that is why it is called Present'
'That is bad news IF you do NOT believe that the dragon warrior can stop him'
'The panda will never fulfill his destiny nor yours until you let go the illusion of CONTROL'
'Look at this tree, I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time'
'Maybe it can, if you are willing to guide it, no nurture it, to BELIEVE it'
'But I need your help master!'....'No...you just need to believe'
'Whatever I did I did to make you proud, tell me how proud you are, TELL ME!'
'There is no secret ingredient'
'To make something special, you just have to believe that it's special'
Monday, 24 November 2008
After breakthrough weekend
Just came back from Covenant's breakthrough weekend. It's different from the Encounter weekends I attended in UK. Breakthrough Wkend was less structured with ample time for rest, personal solitude and group time.
Went to the weekend wanting simply to have a personal encounter with God (Simple faith).
Two weeks leading up to the weekend, my walk with God was more aligned through two areas from Andrew Murray's 'Abide in me', namely resting on the complete work of the cross and not my own spiritual strivings (Simple Faith) and depending on God's grace for living the victorious Christian life each passing moment at a time (Moment-by-moment Faith) instead of bearing the worries of tomorrow and fear of not being a perfect Christian for the rest of my life.
On the first night, Ps Edmund Chan asked those who believe that God was present to raise up their hands. I raised up mine without looking around or waiting for others and I thank God and celebrate that. Without that desire to build up that Simple Faith and God's preparation, those convicted hands might not have gone up. The statement 'A breakthrough is possible for me NOW' blessed me tremendously. It demonstrates how God has already been speaking to me and the weekend served as a round-up. During the altar call, I was focused on the finished work on the cross which made whatever breakthroughs possible.
An issue stood out when we were dealing with our history. It has to do with my poor self-worth because of my poor academic abilities. I experienced traumatic experiences in primary school because I was one of the poorest student. Until today, memories of me crying in class and how I feared teachers still remain. I could run and jump on Sports Day, but could not study. I remember my athletes teacher giving me a banner to encourage me in my studies because I was quite known for my poor academic results. I was posted to Chung Cheng High School (Branch), a below average school with only 2 Express classes. After which I was intending to attend Polytechnic, but had 16 points which enabled me to get into a JC. I was allocated Serangoon JC and appealed to get into Tampiness JC. My mindset is 'I had to appeal even to get into a JC near the bottom of the rankings'. I failed to get into NTU and went overseas. I did well in university and got offered a scholarship to do a PhD which I took up. It ended with a loud bang as my external examiner was from Imperial College and he noted that my thesis was one of the best he had ever read.
I used to feel something churning within whenever I hear or meet people from top schools. I often get envious of people whom I consider to be sharp and intellectual. After I became a Christian, my consolation was that these people do not know God and I do. However, I then struggled whenever I encountered godly people who are from top schools. Whenever someone mentions about being a lecturer, my instant reaction would be to share how academically weak I am. Whenever people marvel at my Phd, I feel a contradiction within and misunderstood.
Throughout my PhD, I know that the PhD was entirely from and of God. I reminded myself not to complain about my weaknesses since God is making a DR out of me. However, when I shared about this with my group during breakthrough weekend, I felt a sense of release and layers started to peel. I found myself again in awe of God's grace and love. When Ps Kai spoke about pride on Sat night, I realised that my sense of low self-esteem was rooted in the pride of wanting to be the best. I felt a sense of freedom as I started to renew my mind, that 'It's OK to not be the best'. Compared to many others who did not even attend JC, how can I say I am helpless at academia. More importantly, now that God has blessed me with this PhD with an ending which is exceedingly more than I imagined, how can I choose to reside in my pride of comparison and envy.
During the group time, I also confessed my sexual struggles on a deeper level as I ever had before. I experienced God's grace and love through the group as I felt accepted nonetheless. Through this breakthrough weekend, I realise on a deeper level the importance of a close community to share my life closely with.
I also applied the remove and replace principle in my struggle with pride with others. Instead of simply struggling to consider others better than myself (remove pride part), whenever I chose to realise how great a destiny God has for every individual (replace part), the comparison goes and there is a sense of joy.
All in all, I know I have met God in this breakthrough weekend.
Went to the weekend wanting simply to have a personal encounter with God (Simple faith).
Two weeks leading up to the weekend, my walk with God was more aligned through two areas from Andrew Murray's 'Abide in me', namely resting on the complete work of the cross and not my own spiritual strivings (Simple Faith) and depending on God's grace for living the victorious Christian life each passing moment at a time (Moment-by-moment Faith) instead of bearing the worries of tomorrow and fear of not being a perfect Christian for the rest of my life.
On the first night, Ps Edmund Chan asked those who believe that God was present to raise up their hands. I raised up mine without looking around or waiting for others and I thank God and celebrate that. Without that desire to build up that Simple Faith and God's preparation, those convicted hands might not have gone up. The statement 'A breakthrough is possible for me NOW' blessed me tremendously. It demonstrates how God has already been speaking to me and the weekend served as a round-up. During the altar call, I was focused on the finished work on the cross which made whatever breakthroughs possible.
An issue stood out when we were dealing with our history. It has to do with my poor self-worth because of my poor academic abilities. I experienced traumatic experiences in primary school because I was one of the poorest student. Until today, memories of me crying in class and how I feared teachers still remain. I could run and jump on Sports Day, but could not study. I remember my athletes teacher giving me a banner to encourage me in my studies because I was quite known for my poor academic results. I was posted to Chung Cheng High School (Branch), a below average school with only 2 Express classes. After which I was intending to attend Polytechnic, but had 16 points which enabled me to get into a JC. I was allocated Serangoon JC and appealed to get into Tampiness JC. My mindset is 'I had to appeal even to get into a JC near the bottom of the rankings'. I failed to get into NTU and went overseas. I did well in university and got offered a scholarship to do a PhD which I took up. It ended with a loud bang as my external examiner was from Imperial College and he noted that my thesis was one of the best he had ever read.
I used to feel something churning within whenever I hear or meet people from top schools. I often get envious of people whom I consider to be sharp and intellectual. After I became a Christian, my consolation was that these people do not know God and I do. However, I then struggled whenever I encountered godly people who are from top schools. Whenever someone mentions about being a lecturer, my instant reaction would be to share how academically weak I am. Whenever people marvel at my Phd, I feel a contradiction within and misunderstood.
Throughout my PhD, I know that the PhD was entirely from and of God. I reminded myself not to complain about my weaknesses since God is making a DR out of me. However, when I shared about this with my group during breakthrough weekend, I felt a sense of release and layers started to peel. I found myself again in awe of God's grace and love. When Ps Kai spoke about pride on Sat night, I realised that my sense of low self-esteem was rooted in the pride of wanting to be the best. I felt a sense of freedom as I started to renew my mind, that 'It's OK to not be the best'. Compared to many others who did not even attend JC, how can I say I am helpless at academia. More importantly, now that God has blessed me with this PhD with an ending which is exceedingly more than I imagined, how can I choose to reside in my pride of comparison and envy.
During the group time, I also confessed my sexual struggles on a deeper level as I ever had before. I experienced God's grace and love through the group as I felt accepted nonetheless. Through this breakthrough weekend, I realise on a deeper level the importance of a close community to share my life closely with.
I also applied the remove and replace principle in my struggle with pride with others. Instead of simply struggling to consider others better than myself (remove pride part), whenever I chose to realise how great a destiny God has for every individual (replace part), the comparison goes and there is a sense of joy.
All in all, I know I have met God in this breakthrough weekend.
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
'Abide in me'
Starting on the 10 days of meditation leading to my first Breakthrough Weekend. First day is about yielding to God. Also reading Andrew Murray's 'Abide in Christ' and I have been blessed.
I could memorise hundreds of bible verses, spend hours of QT daily, spread the gospel to every stranger I see, yet not have an intimate relationship with God. Strangely though, aren't these meant to be the outworking of my faith? I realise I have been too caught up with the form and missed Christ. Funny thing is I have always considered myself to be one who is focused on the heart of the matter. Yet my insecurities and distracted mind reflect a lack of restedness within which can only come through abiding in Christ.
Andrew Murray writes
'Abiding in Him is not a work that we have to do as the condition for enjoying His salvation, but a consenting to let Him do all for us, and in us, and through us. Our part is simply to yield, to trust, and to wait for what He has engaged to perform.'
'And if the question is asked, 'But surely there is something for us to do?' the answer is, 'Our doing and working are but the fruit of Christ's work in us.' It is when the soul becomes utterly passive, looking and resting on what Christ is to do, that its energies are stirred to their highest activity, that we work most effectively because we know that He works in us.'
In much of my thoughts and discussions with people, I feel there is sometimes this invisible drift towards our efforts in being a Christian. Perhaps my mind gets distracted because of the tons of things I plan to do, even seemingly good things like MyHope Singapore, strengthening friendships. Jesus told his disciples not to be amazed at the fact they can cast out demons but rejoice that their names are written in the book of life. To abide in Christ, that's ALL I need to do. Perhaps I should not even use the word 'need to do', but to yield to Him.
I could memorise hundreds of bible verses, spend hours of QT daily, spread the gospel to every stranger I see, yet not have an intimate relationship with God. Strangely though, aren't these meant to be the outworking of my faith? I realise I have been too caught up with the form and missed Christ. Funny thing is I have always considered myself to be one who is focused on the heart of the matter. Yet my insecurities and distracted mind reflect a lack of restedness within which can only come through abiding in Christ.
Andrew Murray writes
'Abiding in Him is not a work that we have to do as the condition for enjoying His salvation, but a consenting to let Him do all for us, and in us, and through us. Our part is simply to yield, to trust, and to wait for what He has engaged to perform.'
'And if the question is asked, 'But surely there is something for us to do?' the answer is, 'Our doing and working are but the fruit of Christ's work in us.' It is when the soul becomes utterly passive, looking and resting on what Christ is to do, that its energies are stirred to their highest activity, that we work most effectively because we know that He works in us.'
In much of my thoughts and discussions with people, I feel there is sometimes this invisible drift towards our efforts in being a Christian. Perhaps my mind gets distracted because of the tons of things I plan to do, even seemingly good things like MyHope Singapore, strengthening friendships. Jesus told his disciples not to be amazed at the fact they can cast out demons but rejoice that their names are written in the book of life. To abide in Christ, that's ALL I need to do. Perhaps I should not even use the word 'need to do', but to yield to Him.
Sunday, 5 October 2008
Getting involved in Sunbeam
Feel werid at the moment. Helped out for the first time in sunday school for primary school children-Sunbeam.
I feel it's where the rubber hits the road. Above all my intellectual discussion of God's love, Sunbeam is where I am forced to walk the talk. J shared with me 'It's not about controlling the children, but communicating with them'. It really helped alot to shift my perspective from my own inexperience to deal with children to simply seeing them from God's perspective. Some were really rebellious and naughty!
With children, one has to talk the initiative, i.e., talking to children even when they do not respond!
Am not entirely sure if Sunbeam is the place where I should serve, but it will certainly force me to depend on God (and thus walking the talk). I do not have a bubbly nature and so I will just have to let go of myself and focus on making a difference in the lives of the children. God, lead and guide me.
I feel it's where the rubber hits the road. Above all my intellectual discussion of God's love, Sunbeam is where I am forced to walk the talk. J shared with me 'It's not about controlling the children, but communicating with them'. It really helped alot to shift my perspective from my own inexperience to deal with children to simply seeing them from God's perspective. Some were really rebellious and naughty!
With children, one has to talk the initiative, i.e., talking to children even when they do not respond!
Am not entirely sure if Sunbeam is the place where I should serve, but it will certainly force me to depend on God (and thus walking the talk). I do not have a bubbly nature and so I will just have to let go of myself and focus on making a difference in the lives of the children. God, lead and guide me.
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
Email to friends: Reflection from news
Email sent to friends:
One cannot make sense of what's happening around the world these days. Events beyond anyone's wildest imagination are occuring at alarming rates with global impacts.
We are caught unaware and unprepared. Our perspectives change because life may not seem so secure after all. Plans change because of the year end bonus. If the largest banks in the world can collapse, how can one pin life (fulfillment, enjoyment, etc) on the condominium and the one million that we plan to make in the future? Well, maybe with proper planning and under the wings of the government, we will not be so 'suay' to land ourselves into deep troubles. But can one offer any guarantees that Singapore will stay the way it is even in the next 5, 10, 20 years? Are we 100% safe from devastating earthquakes? One lesson to be learnt even in the recent years of the world's history is 'Never say never'.
One question we should ask is 'What exactly is certain then?'. Conversations often carry sacarsm and relationships tinted by the lack of absolute trust because we have all been biten by deception-what's seen is not what it really is. Our world is gravitated towards the exterior when it's the credibility of the interior that matters.
I cannot help but feel there is something amiss in this world. Maybe others sense it too and if so how do they cope with it? I guess an easy option would be to accept it as part of life and not think about it. It's scary how most people live through a routine and not pause to think about life itself outside work, family and relationships. We are created too wonderful a creature to be incidental here on earth to lead a routine life.
The beginning of a wiser perspective to life is to be aware of the frailty of this world and life itself without losing the significance we were made to be.
One cannot make sense of what's happening around the world these days. Events beyond anyone's wildest imagination are occuring at alarming rates with global impacts.
We are caught unaware and unprepared. Our perspectives change because life may not seem so secure after all. Plans change because of the year end bonus. If the largest banks in the world can collapse, how can one pin life (fulfillment, enjoyment, etc) on the condominium and the one million that we plan to make in the future? Well, maybe with proper planning and under the wings of the government, we will not be so 'suay' to land ourselves into deep troubles. But can one offer any guarantees that Singapore will stay the way it is even in the next 5, 10, 20 years? Are we 100% safe from devastating earthquakes? One lesson to be learnt even in the recent years of the world's history is 'Never say never'.
One question we should ask is 'What exactly is certain then?'. Conversations often carry sacarsm and relationships tinted by the lack of absolute trust because we have all been biten by deception-what's seen is not what it really is. Our world is gravitated towards the exterior when it's the credibility of the interior that matters.
I cannot help but feel there is something amiss in this world. Maybe others sense it too and if so how do they cope with it? I guess an easy option would be to accept it as part of life and not think about it. It's scary how most people live through a routine and not pause to think about life itself outside work, family and relationships. We are created too wonderful a creature to be incidental here on earth to lead a routine life.
The beginning of a wiser perspective to life is to be aware of the frailty of this world and life itself without losing the significance we were made to be.
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