While doing my experiments this evening, was listening to IDMF Talk 5 by Edmund Chan on the inner life. He used the incident of Jesus with Mary and Martha to talk about the importance of the inner disposition above activities and geography.
God broke my heart towards the end of the talk. Was reminded that all I needed to always bear in mind is God's heart for the lost. All self-defeating barriers broke down and frustrations melted away.
Have been distracted by many things, especially issues dealing with my longing for a partner. Try as hard as I might, I find it hard to fed it off. Realise the only way is to fill my heart with God's word and His heart for the lost.
As God spoke into my heart in a powerful way, breakthrough also came towards some personal judgement I have with a tough situation I faced last week.
Praise Him. He alone is sufficient.
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Shoulder subluxation before church
It's 20min before church. I left the house, just like any other sunday, preparing my heart for church. There was enough time to drive to church and find a parking space-wasn't a need to rush. As I was getting into the car, I stretched my left hand out to put my bag in the side passenger seat. That's when it all began. My left shoulder popped out of its joint. In medical terms, it's called subluxation, a partial dislocation. It first happened in my secondary school days (over 10 years ago) whilst I was playing basketball. I have had at least 10 repeated incidents since then. My case isn't serious to the extend where it needs surgery, but it remains a problem. It catches me offguard everytime it happens, and I can remember many of them clearly, because they are painful. There are some interesting ones, including one where it happened during a dancing class. Whilst practising, I suddendly went to the side of the room and held my hand against the wall high up in a desperate attempt to guide my arm back into its socket. Everyone was equally shocked and amazed. It happened once during my sleep as well-that was scary. The time where I really have to be careful is whilst in the driver seat of a car and I need to stretch backwards towards the back passenger seats.
Was in great pain after it happened in the car today. It came out at an angle which do not happen often. I relaxed as much as possible and tried to put it back, but just couldn't. I can usually put it back, usually within minutes. 10 minutes have passed, this time is much harder. In my mind, I was thinking I might have to go to the hospital to seek medical attention. It finally popped back after half an hour and I was thankful that I was still able to make it to church today. Though I missed worship today, but God revealed many insights to me in that 30min.
1) Interestingly, during my QT this morning, I thanked God for my health and body. This incident is a reminder of how blessed I am to have a functional and healthy body. It's only when I was immobolised where I could appreciate the freedom of having functional limbs.
2) The original and intended design is for my arm to rest in the socket of my shoulder. Anything beyond this design is disastarous. Lord, help me to lead my life according to how you have made me, to glorify You and to be happy with my uniqueness.
3) The car was packed just beside a huge tree outside the house. Mark has intentions to cut it in prevention of it falling. I asked myself in that 30min, what would happen if that tree suddendly falls at that time (yeah...one of those crazy thoughts), am I ready to meet God? Lord, help me to always be prepared with jars of oil with my lamp, ready to meet you when you come.
4) I prayed to God that I would be able to pop my shoulder back. I didn't know when it would happen, but it eventually did. God hears and He answers, but there may be a period of waiting. This period can sometimes be painful but we can only hang in there.
God gives us
TWO HANDS to provide practical help to the weak, oppressed and needy around us
TWO LEGS to bring the gospel out
TWO EYES to see people through His love
A MOUTH to share our testimonies and proclaim that Jesus is Lord
A MIND to be filled with His Word
A HEART to love Him and others
A BODY to take care of
and of course...our tastebuds to enjoy food :)
Be a blessing.
Was in great pain after it happened in the car today. It came out at an angle which do not happen often. I relaxed as much as possible and tried to put it back, but just couldn't. I can usually put it back, usually within minutes. 10 minutes have passed, this time is much harder. In my mind, I was thinking I might have to go to the hospital to seek medical attention. It finally popped back after half an hour and I was thankful that I was still able to make it to church today. Though I missed worship today, but God revealed many insights to me in that 30min.
1) Interestingly, during my QT this morning, I thanked God for my health and body. This incident is a reminder of how blessed I am to have a functional and healthy body. It's only when I was immobolised where I could appreciate the freedom of having functional limbs.
2) The original and intended design is for my arm to rest in the socket of my shoulder. Anything beyond this design is disastarous. Lord, help me to lead my life according to how you have made me, to glorify You and to be happy with my uniqueness.
3) The car was packed just beside a huge tree outside the house. Mark has intentions to cut it in prevention of it falling. I asked myself in that 30min, what would happen if that tree suddendly falls at that time (yeah...one of those crazy thoughts), am I ready to meet God? Lord, help me to always be prepared with jars of oil with my lamp, ready to meet you when you come.
4) I prayed to God that I would be able to pop my shoulder back. I didn't know when it would happen, but it eventually did. God hears and He answers, but there may be a period of waiting. This period can sometimes be painful but we can only hang in there.
God gives us
TWO HANDS to provide practical help to the weak, oppressed and needy around us
TWO LEGS to bring the gospel out
TWO EYES to see people through His love
A MOUTH to share our testimonies and proclaim that Jesus is Lord
A MIND to be filled with His Word
A HEART to love Him and others
A BODY to take care of
and of course...our tastebuds to enjoy food :)
Be a blessing.
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
Climbing up Snowdon
Snowdon is the highest mountain in Wales and England, standing just above 1000m. Climbed it this morning with Bernard, Tracy, Yan Shiang and her mum. Everyone did very well as it wasn't a easy climb. There were sections with continous steep ascends and we had to catch our breadth every now and then. We started our climb at 7am in the morning (second car in the carpark) and took almost 3 hours to get to the peak. The weather was excellent, though the wind and high altitudes made some part of the walk chilly. During the start of the walk, Tracy was often lagging behind with the camera in her hand. Too bad I didn't have my swimming trunks, because the lakes looked very inviting. Don't know whether there are any dangerous fishes in there though. It was good to begin early as it was only on our way down where we started bumping into people.
We left yesterday evening as the plan was to spend the night in Snowdonia and start climbing in the morning. God's hand was already upon the trip before it began. As usual, I wanted to do as much work as I could before setting off. Also wanted to change the car's radiator water which I left till the last minute. I completed the procedure of draining the water out and filling it up with coolant and water. I thought I was doing fine until I tried starting the engine and the temperature gauge was rising. I thought it takes some time for the water to go through the system and so I hurried back to my room to rush through the last part of my packing. Went back to the car after a few minutes and the temperature guage needle was at its highest, it went beyond the red warning zone! I knew that something was wrong and the car would probably not make it to Snowdonia, maybe not even out of Nottingham. After trying out some stunts, including shaking the car and trying to top up more water, the temperature would not fall. I was already late to pick up people, my packing wasn't completely done and worst of all, I may have to cancel the whole trip because of the car. Then I stopped everything for a moment and went down on my knees and pray. After praying, I didn't immediately get up, but pondered abit and cleared my mind. Then, it struck me, 'What if the water hasn't got into the system yet'. It was indeed that problem and the car survived a 330 miles roadtrip carrying 5 people.
Some reflections.
1) Prayer works! If I had continued my frantic search for solutions and not got down on my knees, I am not sure if the entire trip would have been possible.
2) The water level seemed sufficient on the top because it didn't flow through the whole system to cool the engine down. Am I internalising God's word throughout my entire mind and heart?
3) My dad said that air in the system would have prevented the water from flowing through it. Do I need to purge anything in me for God's word to dwell richly in me?
Was reading Psalm 111 in the morning and took it out to read during the walk too. Somehow I just couldn't get too far beyond this verse 2.
'Great are the works of the LORD;
they are pondered by all who delight in them.'
In the sermon this week, Colin challenged us 'Is a bird with it's beak facing skywards singing glorifying God?' I never thought whether an animal could glorify God. His answer was 'Yes, because it was doing what it was created to do'. Throughout the walk, I was reminded of this point when I saw the mountain and the sheeps. Must say God has allowed me to see more of Him through nature during this trip.
Colin added 'What if humans did what he was created to do?' Hum....good question to consider daily :)
We left yesterday evening as the plan was to spend the night in Snowdonia and start climbing in the morning. God's hand was already upon the trip before it began. As usual, I wanted to do as much work as I could before setting off. Also wanted to change the car's radiator water which I left till the last minute. I completed the procedure of draining the water out and filling it up with coolant and water. I thought I was doing fine until I tried starting the engine and the temperature gauge was rising. I thought it takes some time for the water to go through the system and so I hurried back to my room to rush through the last part of my packing. Went back to the car after a few minutes and the temperature guage needle was at its highest, it went beyond the red warning zone! I knew that something was wrong and the car would probably not make it to Snowdonia, maybe not even out of Nottingham. After trying out some stunts, including shaking the car and trying to top up more water, the temperature would not fall. I was already late to pick up people, my packing wasn't completely done and worst of all, I may have to cancel the whole trip because of the car. Then I stopped everything for a moment and went down on my knees and pray. After praying, I didn't immediately get up, but pondered abit and cleared my mind. Then, it struck me, 'What if the water hasn't got into the system yet'. It was indeed that problem and the car survived a 330 miles roadtrip carrying 5 people.
Some reflections.
1) Prayer works! If I had continued my frantic search for solutions and not got down on my knees, I am not sure if the entire trip would have been possible.
2) The water level seemed sufficient on the top because it didn't flow through the whole system to cool the engine down. Am I internalising God's word throughout my entire mind and heart?
3) My dad said that air in the system would have prevented the water from flowing through it. Do I need to purge anything in me for God's word to dwell richly in me?
Was reading Psalm 111 in the morning and took it out to read during the walk too. Somehow I just couldn't get too far beyond this verse 2.
'Great are the works of the LORD;
they are pondered by all who delight in them.'
In the sermon this week, Colin challenged us 'Is a bird with it's beak facing skywards singing glorifying God?' I never thought whether an animal could glorify God. His answer was 'Yes, because it was doing what it was created to do'. Throughout the walk, I was reminded of this point when I saw the mountain and the sheeps. Must say God has allowed me to see more of Him through nature during this trip.
Colin added 'What if humans did what he was created to do?' Hum....good question to consider daily :)
Wednesday, 29 August 2007
Restless heart
God, I have been unable to focus on my research this week. It's not because of any pressing issues I am currently facing, but it's a inner restlessness. Be the centre Lord.
In recent conversations with friends in Singapore, they all had common motivations, money being a big one. Lord, it's not up to me to preach to them about their ladder being placed on the wrong wall. Lord, I seek repentence for the pride in me in thinking I am better because I chose You and I am leading my life the right way. Lord, You chose me. Even though so many peers are building up their life, but like Saul, you can convert them anytime and whatever preparation you have put in their past will be used for your glory. Melt my heart with your love Lord, to be a genuine friend to others and thanks for that practical word of considering others better than myself.
People think life is all sorted out for me, especialy with my Phd. They do not know how I am seeking you for a direction for my future. Lord, many times I claim that this Phd is for your glory, a testimony of how a reject from NTU can return home with a doctorate. Thus Lord, help me to run the last lap with an awareness that you are there when I write my thesis and do my experiments.
'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'-Jeremiah 33:3. Thank you Lord for your reassurance.
In recent conversations with friends in Singapore, they all had common motivations, money being a big one. Lord, it's not up to me to preach to them about their ladder being placed on the wrong wall. Lord, I seek repentence for the pride in me in thinking I am better because I chose You and I am leading my life the right way. Lord, You chose me. Even though so many peers are building up their life, but like Saul, you can convert them anytime and whatever preparation you have put in their past will be used for your glory. Melt my heart with your love Lord, to be a genuine friend to others and thanks for that practical word of considering others better than myself.
People think life is all sorted out for me, especialy with my Phd. They do not know how I am seeking you for a direction for my future. Lord, many times I claim that this Phd is for your glory, a testimony of how a reject from NTU can return home with a doctorate. Thus Lord, help me to run the last lap with an awareness that you are there when I write my thesis and do my experiments.
'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'-Jeremiah 33:3. Thank you Lord for your reassurance.
Sunday, 26 August 2007
God is the chair of worship
Led worship at NCCC today. I met Francis Luckcock, who preached today, at a seminar we both attended last week. During the seminar, I meant to ask him what God laid upon his heart to preach so I could pick suitable worship songs for it. However, it just didn’t happen, perhaps I was too engrossed (with the food :p) during the lunch interval and the subject didn’t surface in my mind while speaking to him. After the seminar was over and when it came back to my mind, I was like ‘Alamak! Forgot to ask!’ I decided to step out in faith, believing that God is sovereign and He would guide. I was immensely touched several times during the sermon when I realised that there were many common ground between the worship and preaching-Our spiritual inheritance as a family, righteousness through faith in Jesus. There was even a common verse being read, Matt 5:20. I realise that God’s guidance doesn’t necessarily need to come with a ‘bang’ or obvious indication. In fact, I realise that while preparing for the worship, it felt like it was based on my own thoughts, but now I see that God so subtlety guided me. He was working with me, or should I say I was working with Him :) Though I was standing up there today, God is the real chair of the worship for He orchestrated the whole thing.
Even before the worship, I was already seeing God work. When asking for musicians, I sent out emails to various people and one of them is a guy who has not been to NCCC for a long time. He replied in an email saying thanks for not leaving him out. Although he wasn’t able to make it today because he went camping, I am glad I remembered him and its amazing how just a little thought and email can encourage someone. Really thankful and appreciative for Kevin who was on the guitar today. He was so willing to help out from the start when I asked him. Also, despite a late night, he drove 45 minutes to get to worship practice this morning which started at 9:30am, and he arrived exactly on the spot. Was good to see Richard, a good brother whom I have not seen for a while ;) Good to know that he will be coming back to Nottingham in over a week’s time. Worship practice went so smoothly, much faster than I thought. Had time to spare to have a nice lunch in the garden and chit-chat. Managed to set-up earlier than usual in church and it helps to not have to rush about.
Usually, when I am on projector duties, I would be so concerned about the projector, setting it up in time for 1pm, checking whether the projection is on the screen. Today, 10 minutes before the service, the projector has not even arrived yet. I was so surprised that I didn’t panic! My focus at that time was right, it was on God. In my mind, I thought ‘So what if there is no projector, we could possibly use the laptop screen. The aim is to worship God and a projector will not stop us from doing so’.
This is the first worship I led where I could really sense a much closer manifestation of the Spirit’s presence working in me. At times, I forgot what I wanted to say next. I didn’t panic and simply took my time. Periods of silence doesn’t kill! It was alright even if I didn’t follow entirely what I set out to do. The best thing a worship leader can do is to worship God himself at the same time while leading. I do not think worship leading is my area of gifting, but that doesn't stop me from helping out. It's amazing how I can have the courage to stand in front to lead a group of people to sing when I have only been in a KTV once in my life! Feel pretty embarassed about this actually, hehe.
People’s encouragement after the service is a true indication that my prayers for today’s service has been answered. That’s the point of today’s whole service-for God to draw close. Lord, open my heart to be joyful to see people drawing close and coming back to You. Even after the service, I was greatly encouraged. I realised that Lena, who was playing the piano, was playing for the Cantonese service as well after being through a morning of worship practice and english service in the afternoon. I don’t play the piano, so I don’t know how demanding it is to be on it for hours, but I can imagine it’s quite tiring. I was greatly humbled and encouraged. Also, I am greatly encouraged by a couple in church whom I can see are making a deliberate effort to spend time with people, to ask them how they are and to pray for them.
Praise God for the family I have at NCCC.
Even before the worship, I was already seeing God work. When asking for musicians, I sent out emails to various people and one of them is a guy who has not been to NCCC for a long time. He replied in an email saying thanks for not leaving him out. Although he wasn’t able to make it today because he went camping, I am glad I remembered him and its amazing how just a little thought and email can encourage someone. Really thankful and appreciative for Kevin who was on the guitar today. He was so willing to help out from the start when I asked him. Also, despite a late night, he drove 45 minutes to get to worship practice this morning which started at 9:30am, and he arrived exactly on the spot. Was good to see Richard, a good brother whom I have not seen for a while ;) Good to know that he will be coming back to Nottingham in over a week’s time. Worship practice went so smoothly, much faster than I thought. Had time to spare to have a nice lunch in the garden and chit-chat. Managed to set-up earlier than usual in church and it helps to not have to rush about.
Usually, when I am on projector duties, I would be so concerned about the projector, setting it up in time for 1pm, checking whether the projection is on the screen. Today, 10 minutes before the service, the projector has not even arrived yet. I was so surprised that I didn’t panic! My focus at that time was right, it was on God. In my mind, I thought ‘So what if there is no projector, we could possibly use the laptop screen. The aim is to worship God and a projector will not stop us from doing so’.
This is the first worship I led where I could really sense a much closer manifestation of the Spirit’s presence working in me. At times, I forgot what I wanted to say next. I didn’t panic and simply took my time. Periods of silence doesn’t kill! It was alright even if I didn’t follow entirely what I set out to do. The best thing a worship leader can do is to worship God himself at the same time while leading. I do not think worship leading is my area of gifting, but that doesn't stop me from helping out. It's amazing how I can have the courage to stand in front to lead a group of people to sing when I have only been in a KTV once in my life! Feel pretty embarassed about this actually, hehe.
People’s encouragement after the service is a true indication that my prayers for today’s service has been answered. That’s the point of today’s whole service-for God to draw close. Lord, open my heart to be joyful to see people drawing close and coming back to You. Even after the service, I was greatly encouraged. I realised that Lena, who was playing the piano, was playing for the Cantonese service as well after being through a morning of worship practice and english service in the afternoon. I don’t play the piano, so I don’t know how demanding it is to be on it for hours, but I can imagine it’s quite tiring. I was greatly humbled and encouraged. Also, I am greatly encouraged by a couple in church whom I can see are making a deliberate effort to spend time with people, to ask them how they are and to pray for them.
Praise God for the family I have at NCCC.
Thursday, 23 August 2007
On anger
Though anger is often directed towards someone, I believe in most cases, it isn't personal. But people often take it personal and it evolves into a vicious cycle.
When someone is angry, he is hurting. The hurt comes from within first and foremost. Unfortunately, it is often directed towards others.
A natural approach in dealing with someone angry is to be defensive, probably because it is perceived as personal and defensiveness is also a form of insecurity. After getting past that emotional spike, maybe one would start to rationalise the reasons for getting angry. I am one person who analyses alot. In difficult situations, I would contemplate on the rightness/wrongness aspect.
What would Jesus do?
Maybe He would look beyond the anger to see the hurt within. Compassion isn't about facts, but standing in the place of the one who is suffering. Considering my self-centerness and prejudices, it requires humbling myself and a glimpse into God's heart. It's been a while since I weeped for the lost or someone who is hurting because I have been full of myself and distracted by personal issues.
From Michael W Smith 'Second decade' album-Live the Life
For the world to know the truth
There can be no greater proof
Than to live the life, live the life
Theres no love thats quite as pure
Theres no pain we cant endure
If we live the life, live the life
Be a light for all to see
For every act of love will set you free
Lord, continue to break my heart and set it free to love.
When someone is angry, he is hurting. The hurt comes from within first and foremost. Unfortunately, it is often directed towards others.
A natural approach in dealing with someone angry is to be defensive, probably because it is perceived as personal and defensiveness is also a form of insecurity. After getting past that emotional spike, maybe one would start to rationalise the reasons for getting angry. I am one person who analyses alot. In difficult situations, I would contemplate on the rightness/wrongness aspect.
What would Jesus do?
Maybe He would look beyond the anger to see the hurt within. Compassion isn't about facts, but standing in the place of the one who is suffering. Considering my self-centerness and prejudices, it requires humbling myself and a glimpse into God's heart. It's been a while since I weeped for the lost or someone who is hurting because I have been full of myself and distracted by personal issues.
From Michael W Smith 'Second decade' album-Live the Life
For the world to know the truth
There can be no greater proof
Than to live the life, live the life
Theres no love thats quite as pure
Theres no pain we cant endure
If we live the life, live the life
Be a light for all to see
For every act of love will set you free
Lord, continue to break my heart and set it free to love.
Tuesday, 21 August 2007
People needs to be understood
It's not about right or wrong.
There was a breakthrough with a close friend during lunch today. I make efforts to spend time alone with him, but in recent months, it often do not turn out well. There is this sense of frustration. He is going through some tough times with his fiancee and her parents. I confess that I have been impatient with him many many times and it has built up over the months. Whether or not I have a good reason to be impatient does not matter. It's not about right or wrong, fact is I have been impatient with him.
As we were walking to the foodcourt for lunch today, he again shared about the frustration he has with his fiancee. After listening for a couple of minutes, I offered a suggestion. It was met with a familiar response 'You do not understand me! You think you are smarter than my parents?' In my mind, I was like 'Here we go again...' Man, we have not even bought our food yet! When giving thanks for lunch, I desperately prayed for God to intervene, to give me wisdom and patience. I realise I did not understand the situation fully before offering the suggestion. There was this part in me which wanted to jump at his blown up response to a mere suggestion. As I tried to explain things, I realise that it would get nowhere. God started to change my heart and I began to listen, not to his words, but to his pain. For an instance, I saw his suffering through God's heart.
He needed to be understood first and foremost. It doesn't matter whether his attitudes are right or wrong-that's where I believe I always failed. I often try to change him. Many times I saw his frustration as a result of things he hold so tightly to and it's been 'Mission impossible' to try to get him to let go. I have failed miserably, leading to frustration. I am now reminded that I cannot change people, only God can. Moreover, in wanting to change him according to my own definition (no matter how right I feel it is), I am claiming that I know it all and am perfect.
Love comes before rationalisation. It's a human tendancy to analyse and reason things out, but it's not always about the right/wrong attitude.
'Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.'-1 cor 13:4-7.
I really thank God for opening my heart to see this-it's a valuable lesson. It's a first step in being a friend that will make a difference. Many people are not looking for answers, but to be understood and loved.
'No matter how right I am beforehand, the moment I get angry or lose my patience, I am wrong'
There was a breakthrough with a close friend during lunch today. I make efforts to spend time alone with him, but in recent months, it often do not turn out well. There is this sense of frustration. He is going through some tough times with his fiancee and her parents. I confess that I have been impatient with him many many times and it has built up over the months. Whether or not I have a good reason to be impatient does not matter. It's not about right or wrong, fact is I have been impatient with him.
As we were walking to the foodcourt for lunch today, he again shared about the frustration he has with his fiancee. After listening for a couple of minutes, I offered a suggestion. It was met with a familiar response 'You do not understand me! You think you are smarter than my parents?' In my mind, I was like 'Here we go again...' Man, we have not even bought our food yet! When giving thanks for lunch, I desperately prayed for God to intervene, to give me wisdom and patience. I realise I did not understand the situation fully before offering the suggestion. There was this part in me which wanted to jump at his blown up response to a mere suggestion. As I tried to explain things, I realise that it would get nowhere. God started to change my heart and I began to listen, not to his words, but to his pain. For an instance, I saw his suffering through God's heart.
He needed to be understood first and foremost. It doesn't matter whether his attitudes are right or wrong-that's where I believe I always failed. I often try to change him. Many times I saw his frustration as a result of things he hold so tightly to and it's been 'Mission impossible' to try to get him to let go. I have failed miserably, leading to frustration. I am now reminded that I cannot change people, only God can. Moreover, in wanting to change him according to my own definition (no matter how right I feel it is), I am claiming that I know it all and am perfect.
Love comes before rationalisation. It's a human tendancy to analyse and reason things out, but it's not always about the right/wrong attitude.
'Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.'-1 cor 13:4-7.
I really thank God for opening my heart to see this-it's a valuable lesson. It's a first step in being a friend that will make a difference. Many people are not looking for answers, but to be understood and loved.
'No matter how right I am beforehand, the moment I get angry or lose my patience, I am wrong'
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