3 Questions

1) What is going on in my life right now?

Almost everyday, I would be thinking of the experiments and thesis in my research. I am progressing, and the end is in sight but I am unsure how much longer I need. My current aim is to complete all my experiments and first draft of my thesis before I return to Singapore on 21st Dec.

It's obvious my aim is research and I am devoting time to it, however, there's alot going on as well. Been devoting alot of time building bridges with people. Some has been fruitful, others not really. I am not as involved in SR and have not been attending Barnabas for the past month.

Have been facing frustration with the way I am seeing everyone. I seem to be on a fault finding rampage. Last week there was an outing at a pub because someone has successfully passed his Phd Viva. Was really put off by coarse joking and I just found it hard to be myself and smile and hide my critical self. When the friends I have been trying hard to reach out to and brought them to talks which I thought was clear and they should at least be starting to think about Christianity remain cold, I feel dissapointed. Of course I cannot reveal my dissapointment and continue to show love and patience. Also being judgemental about hypocrisy in others when I know they are putting up a front.

Put simply, life is a frantic scramble to finish my research in the midst of seeing myself as God and helping/reaching out to almost everyone I see with a need. I feel drained when I lose sight of God in all these.

2) What is God saying to me?

My life is disorganised at the moment and it's obvious that I am trying to do too much from my own agenda and not working with God. The fact that I get frustrated is evidence that I am not doing it with the right attitude. I believe God wants me to focus and not see myself as God. To trust in Him that even though I do not reach out to someone, He can still reach out to him! A friend mentioned that things should be effortless as God works through us.

He is working through my thoughts as well. My mind can wander about pretty badly and I struggle with negative thoughts. God has been teaching me through His word on the importance of the renewal of the MIND.

3) What am I doing about it?

God often lifts me up as I get down on my knees to seek Him in Word and prayer. It's all so clear in the mornings and as I start each day. However, the moment I step into the office, the battle starts as I get distracted by the behaviour of people around me and my critical self draws me far from God. It's really about identifying the thoughts which are unhelpful and living in the victory and love of God.

To stop seeing myself as someone superior who can help everyone who looks as if they need help. To not think of someone where I am not. To humble myself before others. To not see myself as God.

To be honest with self perceived rejection and be convinced of God's love for me.

To learn how to say No.

To know what I am doing and where I am heading.