The recent Kidzcamp from 10th to 12th of Dec was my “BreakThru” Weekend!
To be frank, sacrificing two days of precious leave for the Kidzcamp was not easy, but I now realise God has blessed me many times fold. Witnessing how God reached out to young tender hearts led me to a deeper realisation of how real our God is. The theme of the camp was “Don’t Worry”, “Fear Not” and “Trust Jesus”. Although there were no groundbreaking sermons preached, the message, in all its simplicity, was taught through interactive activities, games and stories. I often wonder how much of the message gets across when many children appear to be restless and not paying attention. But time after time, I am surprised by the children’s responses proving that something was deposited.
Two especially touching moments during the camp. First was during the end of an ice cream session, a P2 non-christian girl came up to me and asked me to show her the memory verses (1 Peter 5:7 and Psa 34:4) in the bible. My bible “just happen” to be lying on the table (brought it for the Amazing Race) and I showed her the verses, including John 14:6, explaining what did Jesus mean when He said he was the Truth, the Way and the Life. She was as responsive as I could ever expect from a non-christian and it felt as if I would get a straight Yes if I had popped the question of whether she wanted to accept Christ. But I held back as I thought it would be more appropriate to do it in a quieter environment and maybe use some materials targeted for children to guide her through. I asked Jade about it later and she said there would be another altar call the next morning. I was delighted and looked forward to it. By the way, she accepted Christ that next morning I am surprised by my own sense of surrender in this. I am someone who works very hard to build bridges, sensing for people’s readiness and will not hesitate to share the gospel. But I do know that in my eagerness to seek to bring people to Christ lies some hidden self-motive for merit. Especially now when the church is encouraging us to believe in God to personally bring someone to Christ, I still have nil salvations and I feel discouraged sometimes! So, I was surprised by my own sense of release when I found myself looking forward to this girl receiving Christ through the next morning altar call and not through myself! I think my vision of God’s kingdom just grew a little bigger. Still have NIL salvations, but that is perfectly alright
Next touching moment was during ministry time on the last day. A P3 boy whom I have always wanted to get to know better outside of Sunday school was in my group (God knows my heart). During ministry time when the speaker called for the children to rededicate their lives to God, I saw that he was getting ready to stand up and I slowly stood up too. My heart melted and I started to tear as he walked to my side. I placed my hand around him and prayed with him as he recommitted himself. He shared that he felt he wasn’t obedient and my heart was immensely touched by a young boy coming to this self-realisation. It’s comical how he shared with another teacher how he felt strange that he could feel happy yet tear. God manifested strongly throughout that session and I believe many children and teachers were touched. I received from God a release of my sense of performance during that session, especially as I saw the P2 girl standing up to receive Christ.
Back to the grown-up world, it’s interesting how I now sometimes see the child in people around me. Much of our personality is already formed as a child. In as much as how these children need God and increase in their knowledge and intimacy with Him, we adults are no different. The child is still very much in us!
I sometimes feel like I have missed out on so much time to know and grow in God as He found me at the age of 23. The corrupted values and habits that have been ingrained before 23 needs extra perseverance and deliverance to overcome. In one of my time with God in the morning before camp, I pictured myself like a little kid in the camp with a rested assurance knowing that God already knew me then. It’s strange but somehow I felt like I attended the camp myself as a little kid. There were actually pretty vivid visualizations (I sort of remember how I looked like as a kid, also long skinny face) of myself in a kidzcamp setting. How cool is that!
Gosh, I didn’t expect to write so much, but yes, it’s all because I have been blessed tremendously. The two days of leave couldn’t have been more well-spent. And guess what, I still have 6 days of leave left for the year remaining even after deducting those days which I will be using for a mission trip to Indonesia after Christmas.
Another fact about kidzcamp, children do wear you out, haha…..
Monday, 14 December 2009
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Rest in God
Set aside today to reflect and journal on the past year. But before I write-up on the year, wish to journal specifically upon a subject God tutored me on during the start of the year-God's rest.
Only this year do I realise one of God's intent for the Israelites to conquer the Promised Land is to give them rest.
Deut 25:19 "When the LORD your God gives you rest from all the enemies around you in the land he is giving you to possess as an inheritance...."
Jos 21:43-45 "So the LORD gave Israel all the land he had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took possession of it and settled there. The LORD gave them rest on every side, just as he had sworn to their forefathers. Not one of their enemies withstood them; the LORD handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled."
The basis of God's rest is His love, His promises and most importantly, Jesus.
John 19:30-When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.
I have heard the phrase 'We fight FROM victory', but yet I often fight from doubts, struggles and defeat. As I ended my extended QT today, there was a sense of release from the following areas:
-Need to equip myself (handling children, singing, knowledge)
-Ministry
-Evangelism, bridging bridges with friends
-Spiritual disciplines
These are positive aspirations. However, it shouldn't be pursued with a self drivenness but instead from a position of REST in God. I desire to make this my default position and I believe it will come about as I know Him more intimately. I live my life trying and doing much without fully believing and appreciating that my life is in His hands, and He is extremely concerned with me and has a purpose for me (which will come to pass).
In fact, as I am currently organising the mission trip to Pekanbaru, I can see His hand upon bringing the people together and the planning. Also, in my desire to bridge the gaps between my relationship with dad and mum, I can visibly see God's leading. Just watched the movie 2012 with parents last night and the main theme which spoke powerfully to me was the bond between father and son. Although I do not have a clear leading as to my vocation/career, I know He has a plan and He is ALREADY guiding.
Difficulty is that this paradigm shift goes against the conditioning of my life since young. It starts from primary school (I can't remember if i was competitive in my pre-school) where life is intelligence and performance driven. Maybe this is one of my primary blocks as I often share about how lousy I felt as a poor student. Until now, I still tend to feel insecure when I encounter areas of intelligence/abilities.
I thank God for revealing this so I can start the paradigm shift and am excited about the breakthroughs it will bring :)
Only this year do I realise one of God's intent for the Israelites to conquer the Promised Land is to give them rest.
Deut 25:19 "When the LORD your God gives you rest from all the enemies around you in the land he is giving you to possess as an inheritance...."
Jos 21:43-45 "So the LORD gave Israel all the land he had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took possession of it and settled there. The LORD gave them rest on every side, just as he had sworn to their forefathers. Not one of their enemies withstood them; the LORD handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled."
The basis of God's rest is His love, His promises and most importantly, Jesus.
John 19:30-When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.
I have heard the phrase 'We fight FROM victory', but yet I often fight from doubts, struggles and defeat. As I ended my extended QT today, there was a sense of release from the following areas:
-Need to equip myself (handling children, singing, knowledge)
-Ministry
-Evangelism, bridging bridges with friends
-Spiritual disciplines
These are positive aspirations. However, it shouldn't be pursued with a self drivenness but instead from a position of REST in God. I desire to make this my default position and I believe it will come about as I know Him more intimately. I live my life trying and doing much without fully believing and appreciating that my life is in His hands, and He is extremely concerned with me and has a purpose for me (which will come to pass).
In fact, as I am currently organising the mission trip to Pekanbaru, I can see His hand upon bringing the people together and the planning. Also, in my desire to bridge the gaps between my relationship with dad and mum, I can visibly see God's leading. Just watched the movie 2012 with parents last night and the main theme which spoke powerfully to me was the bond between father and son. Although I do not have a clear leading as to my vocation/career, I know He has a plan and He is ALREADY guiding.
Difficulty is that this paradigm shift goes against the conditioning of my life since young. It starts from primary school (I can't remember if i was competitive in my pre-school) where life is intelligence and performance driven. Maybe this is one of my primary blocks as I often share about how lousy I felt as a poor student. Until now, I still tend to feel insecure when I encounter areas of intelligence/abilities.
I thank God for revealing this so I can start the paradigm shift and am excited about the breakthroughs it will bring :)
Monday, 26 October 2009
Day of prayer on 24th Oct
Had a transaction with God on the subject of Identity In Christ. I have read about this since the first few months of becoming a Christian, but how much of it has actualised over the past 6 years? My struggles with insecurity and lust arise from emptiness within. Much of my time is often spent on pursuing my passion on social entrepreneurship, church activities, family and friends. However, strip away all of these and what's left? The truth is that I should still have everything in Christ!
"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ" Phil 3:8 (ESV)
However, these activities can often create a mist camouflaging my inner emptiness; hidden from others, and most dangerously, myself. Thus, it was refreshing to have my identify in God deeply reaffirmed during day of prayer. Ministry out of emptiness will bear no fruit.
"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ" Phil 3:8 (ESV)
However, these activities can often create a mist camouflaging my inner emptiness; hidden from others, and most dangerously, myself. Thus, it was refreshing to have my identify in God deeply reaffirmed during day of prayer. Ministry out of emptiness will bear no fruit.
Thursday, 28 May 2009
6 months into work
Apologies to friends who have been faithful in coming back to my blog looking for updates as there hasn't been any for the past months. Really glad I am making the effort to share and reflect now, mainly about work (which I am glad too).
During the initial period of my job, I often felt lousy about myself because there was much I didn't know about. With 6 months of retrospect, I was real foolish and was too hard on myself. Everything was new and it's my first job, how could I expect myself to be competent? I have learned to tell my colleague who felt that I was learning slowly that she can do it, but I just can't. And it's perfectly fine! The best thing one can do for himself is to be happy with who he is and do his level-best.
Several of my friends/colleagues are curious why I joined the department. It's a far cry from my studies/research and it certainly doesn't require a PhD. It deals with legal contracts and is largely an administrative job. These comments originate from sincere concerns and I do take note of them. However, it’s often the unseen which is paramount. When work gets monotonous, I rely on the faith that there is a purpose. Values are ingrained in this season which will not happen elsewhere as I focus on my attitudes instead of the environment. I'm someone who values the learning process despite not knowing fully where the present journey is bringing me.
Having said that, while I am unsure of the route, I have aspirations in work. My desire is to make a difference through my work. For example, channeling NUS technologies to help poor people outside singapore. My mind by default is like a radar screen picking up opportunities. For example, when I hear of a rice crop with higher yields, I would immediately think about the mission trip to Indonesia and maybe bring it to them. Also example would be how technologies related to water could be used in the villages I see where people are using the same pool of water for many purposes.
It's possible to be a dreamer outside of God's will. Thus, it's critical for me to wait upon Him and be sensitive to His guidance. It makes perfect sense because ONLY His purposes shall prevail.
I am intending to write separate blog entries on different lessons I am learning through work, so stay tuned!
Take care, especially my long-distance friends (you know who you are)!
During the initial period of my job, I often felt lousy about myself because there was much I didn't know about. With 6 months of retrospect, I was real foolish and was too hard on myself. Everything was new and it's my first job, how could I expect myself to be competent? I have learned to tell my colleague who felt that I was learning slowly that she can do it, but I just can't. And it's perfectly fine! The best thing one can do for himself is to be happy with who he is and do his level-best.
Several of my friends/colleagues are curious why I joined the department. It's a far cry from my studies/research and it certainly doesn't require a PhD. It deals with legal contracts and is largely an administrative job. These comments originate from sincere concerns and I do take note of them. However, it’s often the unseen which is paramount. When work gets monotonous, I rely on the faith that there is a purpose. Values are ingrained in this season which will not happen elsewhere as I focus on my attitudes instead of the environment. I'm someone who values the learning process despite not knowing fully where the present journey is bringing me.
Having said that, while I am unsure of the route, I have aspirations in work. My desire is to make a difference through my work. For example, channeling NUS technologies to help poor people outside singapore. My mind by default is like a radar screen picking up opportunities. For example, when I hear of a rice crop with higher yields, I would immediately think about the mission trip to Indonesia and maybe bring it to them. Also example would be how technologies related to water could be used in the villages I see where people are using the same pool of water for many purposes.
It's possible to be a dreamer outside of God's will. Thus, it's critical for me to wait upon Him and be sensitive to His guidance. It makes perfect sense because ONLY His purposes shall prevail.
I am intending to write separate blog entries on different lessons I am learning through work, so stay tuned!
Take care, especially my long-distance friends (you know who you are)!
Saturday, 24 January 2009
Inside out
A recent conversation led to the contemplation of life transforming principles. I believe it was a God anointed time as I started to experience breakthroughs immediately after.
It's the principle of inside-out.
Ps Edmund Chan calls it the Red Bar (External) and the Blue Bar (Internal). In 'Mentoring Paradigms', the external is defined by our affluence or acquisition (what we have), our associations (who we know), our appearance (how we look), our abilities (what we can do) and our accomplishments (what we have done). The internal focuses on integrity, character and the posture of the surrendered soul. It is a life that seeks to grow from the inside out.
An area I struggle with is my competency. This might be a surprise to many, but I struggle with language (spelling&vocab), being eloquent, and even daily common sense/sharpness displayed by others and which I am oblivious to. Especially since I started work, this self-doubt constantly arise. Also, I find it hard to engage the children whilst serving in sunday school.
Common advise may be 'Take it easy, you're still learning', 'We are all not perfect, just accept yourself'. They are true statements, but they do not deal with the root issue. I realise I have been so caught up with the external. Whenever I feel incompetent, it's because I 1) Focus on the external 2) Compare.
I am overly concerned about the externals because I lack a deep inner life. I have always assumed my inner life is pretty alright because of my spiritual disciplines and activities, but these are simply external yardsticks. My wrestle with insecurity and incompetency reflects otherwise. This is not an easy confession, because I find pleasure when others look on to me as a 'good' Christian.
It is foolish to orientate my life towards the externals. Because it is more peripheral than central, it becomes an endless pursuit of personal achievements and people's approval. No rest can thus be found. What reference do I measure the externals against? It will either result in pride or misery. On the other hand, reference for the inward is God, the most worthy pursuit which allows for imperfection along the way!
However, say what may, the externals are inevitable aspects of our life. The externals are often channels through which one makes an impact or influence on others. We cannot negate the externals. Instead, the focus has to be on cultivating a deep inner life to anchor the externals of life. Even the most sincere intentions would crumble without a solid foundation. Thus, the approach has to be inside-out. I will continue developing my externals, but I will not feel discouraged whenever I do not meet my own expectations(no sensible references in the first place!) and always return to the foundation. I learn to say 'It's Alright!' because the external is secondary.
The inwards is more invisible. As such, if I find faults in people, it would be oriented towards the external. Since the inwards is of utmost importance, I will pray for the person's inner life instead. Whatever judgment I make is definitely skewed anyway and what rights do I have to point any fingers when I myself do the same things.
The externals do not last.
It's the principle of inside-out.
Ps Edmund Chan calls it the Red Bar (External) and the Blue Bar (Internal). In 'Mentoring Paradigms', the external is defined by our affluence or acquisition (what we have), our associations (who we know), our appearance (how we look), our abilities (what we can do) and our accomplishments (what we have done). The internal focuses on integrity, character and the posture of the surrendered soul. It is a life that seeks to grow from the inside out.
An area I struggle with is my competency. This might be a surprise to many, but I struggle with language (spelling&vocab), being eloquent, and even daily common sense/sharpness displayed by others and which I am oblivious to. Especially since I started work, this self-doubt constantly arise. Also, I find it hard to engage the children whilst serving in sunday school.
Common advise may be 'Take it easy, you're still learning', 'We are all not perfect, just accept yourself'. They are true statements, but they do not deal with the root issue. I realise I have been so caught up with the external. Whenever I feel incompetent, it's because I 1) Focus on the external 2) Compare.
I am overly concerned about the externals because I lack a deep inner life. I have always assumed my inner life is pretty alright because of my spiritual disciplines and activities, but these are simply external yardsticks. My wrestle with insecurity and incompetency reflects otherwise. This is not an easy confession, because I find pleasure when others look on to me as a 'good' Christian.
It is foolish to orientate my life towards the externals. Because it is more peripheral than central, it becomes an endless pursuit of personal achievements and people's approval. No rest can thus be found. What reference do I measure the externals against? It will either result in pride or misery. On the other hand, reference for the inward is God, the most worthy pursuit which allows for imperfection along the way!
However, say what may, the externals are inevitable aspects of our life. The externals are often channels through which one makes an impact or influence on others. We cannot negate the externals. Instead, the focus has to be on cultivating a deep inner life to anchor the externals of life. Even the most sincere intentions would crumble without a solid foundation. Thus, the approach has to be inside-out. I will continue developing my externals, but I will not feel discouraged whenever I do not meet my own expectations(no sensible references in the first place!) and always return to the foundation. I learn to say 'It's Alright!' because the external is secondary.
The inwards is more invisible. As such, if I find faults in people, it would be oriented towards the external. Since the inwards is of utmost importance, I will pray for the person's inner life instead. Whatever judgment I make is definitely skewed anyway and what rights do I have to point any fingers when I myself do the same things.
The externals do not last.
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
2 weeks into my 'professional' life
It's been a humbling journey. I have swung from being confident in making a difference in work to fear of being a bad testimony.
Just yesterday, a colleague was teaching me how not to include certain things in emails so as not to reflect badly of the department. Also, am needing guidance on basic matters. M is willing to guide and help me, but I suspect I do not portray the outward competence of a PhD graduate. That is OK :)
Much of Christian talk surrounds worldiness, how people are after the wrong things in life and self-centered. This has caused a critical spirit in me and I have elevated myself, thinking that I am better because I have made a better choice and am not self-centered. However, dealing with more people in the office have opened my myopic eyes to realise that there is more love and care in the world than I thought.
In fact, according to Romans 2, the person whom I view as selfish is actually myself. Perhaps my way of dealing with my own ugliness is to project it unto others-an area I need to repent of and come back to God. I have no rights to judge or even condemn a person's actions or words, therefore there is no need to cast any opinions. I believe that would help me to be more at ease and joyful in the office.
Just yesterday, a colleague was teaching me how not to include certain things in emails so as not to reflect badly of the department. Also, am needing guidance on basic matters. M is willing to guide and help me, but I suspect I do not portray the outward competence of a PhD graduate. That is OK :)
Much of Christian talk surrounds worldiness, how people are after the wrong things in life and self-centered. This has caused a critical spirit in me and I have elevated myself, thinking that I am better because I have made a better choice and am not self-centered. However, dealing with more people in the office have opened my myopic eyes to realise that there is more love and care in the world than I thought.
In fact, according to Romans 2, the person whom I view as selfish is actually myself. Perhaps my way of dealing with my own ugliness is to project it unto others-an area I need to repent of and come back to God. I have no rights to judge or even condemn a person's actions or words, therefore there is no need to cast any opinions. I believe that would help me to be more at ease and joyful in the office.
Wednesday, 10 December 2008
Start of work!
December is a quiet time to start work as many people are not around. As much as I am prepared to go full string straight away, I suspect the initial pace will be slow. Am thankful for the car as it probably saves me 2 hours daily. My initial plan to take public transport first may have been me trying to be ‘legalistic’ in being thrifty and not fully appreciating God’s blessings. I thank God for a job which suits my interests and for a nice supervisor and colleagues.
It’s time to put into practice what’s in my head. Seeking the approval of God and not men (no excuse for bosses). Even though I have not started work work, I already feel the need to perform and examine my abilities, or worse, to pit them against others. What a curse of the flesh! However, I no longer live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit in Christ!
A recent flip on the CD player led me to Ps Edmund’s sermon on ‘Work’. I was reminded to excel in my work, like Daniel who came out tops in one of the most secular environments in the ancient world. I already caught myself looking at the watch yesterday towards the end of the day and that isn’t the right attitude, hehe. Lord, rid any sense of legalism if I spend much time on work, for it’s a calling as holy as serving in church or evangelism. In fact, there shouldn’t be any divide at all. Just as the Son is in the Father and I am in the Son, all that I do should be one. Beneath the problem of burn-out lies the issue of competence. Lord, grant me the humility to accept the level of performance in which I can give.
Will be interesting to see what I have learnt in the next few months.
It’s time to put into practice what’s in my head. Seeking the approval of God and not men (no excuse for bosses). Even though I have not started work work, I already feel the need to perform and examine my abilities, or worse, to pit them against others. What a curse of the flesh! However, I no longer live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit in Christ!
A recent flip on the CD player led me to Ps Edmund’s sermon on ‘Work’. I was reminded to excel in my work, like Daniel who came out tops in one of the most secular environments in the ancient world. I already caught myself looking at the watch yesterday towards the end of the day and that isn’t the right attitude, hehe. Lord, rid any sense of legalism if I spend much time on work, for it’s a calling as holy as serving in church or evangelism. In fact, there shouldn’t be any divide at all. Just as the Son is in the Father and I am in the Son, all that I do should be one. Beneath the problem of burn-out lies the issue of competence. Lord, grant me the humility to accept the level of performance in which I can give.
Will be interesting to see what I have learnt in the next few months.
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