Josh Mcdowell said the following at the Men's conference in May, "Men, don't hide behind spirituality to cover your wounded self". That, along with many reflections recently made me realize that I could be using spirituality as a cover for different areas.
I find myself very enthusiastic and energetic whenever I talk about spiritual issues. However, often when it comes to other conversations outside faith and church, I do not display the usual confidence. In fact, an ex-colleague once commented that I seem to be cold about many things.
Do I only find my confidence when I hide behind spirituality? It's easy to sound right when one has mastered the Christian lingo. Have I used spirituality to sound right and cover up my inadequacies and emotions within? It's a scary thought.
If that is true, what am I hiding from? Maybe a sense of inadequacy or rejection causes me to strive to give the right answer and put up false fronts.
I am learning how to be human. I don't need to overdo it and spiritualise everything. I simply need to rest upon the truth that God knows everything and He is in control. I want to learn how to just chill.
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Sunday, 28 February 2010
Best family worship ever!
God has led me to take the spiritual lead in drawing the family as a whole (w/o my brother at the moment) to worship Him. Two godly women have encouraged me to take up the role over the weekend. It has been a difficult challenge since I came back to Singapore 1.5 years ago. I was looking forward to praying, doing bible studies together as a family with my father taking up his God ordained role as the spiritual head. However, it has been a period of disappointment and frustration and I found myself accepting the status quo to the extend that I would find it weird if my father were to initiate a time of seeking the Lord together. However, due to a deterioration of my brother's condition, it has driven the family more to desperation in search of hope and answers. I believe the battle has to be won at home first and thus I had to step up in spite of how convicted I am in the father leading the family spiritually.
There was a breakthrough this evening. I suggested a time of worship at 9pm during dinner and my parents agreed. I was advised to lead the family through a time of verbal confession of sins. I had in mind James 5:16 where God desires for us to confess our sins to one another. However, I didn't want it to be so obvious and thus lead the bible study from James 5:13-16 instead. I asked my parents if any of the verse spoke to them and my mum said James 5:16. Praise the Lord! My dad shared how there was a lack of love in the family since many years ago. In fact when I was in primary school, my parents contemplated divorce before. It touched my heart to hear how my dad's spiritual eyes are open when a few days ago he was just sharing that he felt he has provided sufficient love for my brother and myself. I release forgiveness to my dad. I know he do love me dearly. During prayer, my mum prayed about being a poor wife, that's the first time I heard her saying such things. She actually seldom say anything good about my dad. Wow, when God breaks in, it's just so wonderful. I realise that asking direct questions does not help at all. This kind of work belongs only to the Lord. I am not the Messiah! There were tears in my mum's eyes when we ended the prayer. Actually I should have allowed for more time for ministry. But it's alright. God is in control :)
My dad read some verses from John 1 about darkness and how light shines through. During my personal prayers in the evening, I saw the image of dark clouds and realise that it relates to the verses my dad shared! I told my parents that I believe a dark cloud is covering our family at the moment, but I also saw clear skies breaking through. I shared that prayer is a weapon in which the light will burst through. It's pretty cool, I am indeed learning and experiencing that impressions in my heart and even imagery are from the God. I claim them by faith!
Well, this is just the beginning and I do pray that our family will learn how to gain the victory which we already have in Christ Jesus. God has such great plans for my family.
Hallelujah!
There was a breakthrough this evening. I suggested a time of worship at 9pm during dinner and my parents agreed. I was advised to lead the family through a time of verbal confession of sins. I had in mind James 5:16 where God desires for us to confess our sins to one another. However, I didn't want it to be so obvious and thus lead the bible study from James 5:13-16 instead. I asked my parents if any of the verse spoke to them and my mum said James 5:16. Praise the Lord! My dad shared how there was a lack of love in the family since many years ago. In fact when I was in primary school, my parents contemplated divorce before. It touched my heart to hear how my dad's spiritual eyes are open when a few days ago he was just sharing that he felt he has provided sufficient love for my brother and myself. I release forgiveness to my dad. I know he do love me dearly. During prayer, my mum prayed about being a poor wife, that's the first time I heard her saying such things. She actually seldom say anything good about my dad. Wow, when God breaks in, it's just so wonderful. I realise that asking direct questions does not help at all. This kind of work belongs only to the Lord. I am not the Messiah! There were tears in my mum's eyes when we ended the prayer. Actually I should have allowed for more time for ministry. But it's alright. God is in control :)
My dad read some verses from John 1 about darkness and how light shines through. During my personal prayers in the evening, I saw the image of dark clouds and realise that it relates to the verses my dad shared! I told my parents that I believe a dark cloud is covering our family at the moment, but I also saw clear skies breaking through. I shared that prayer is a weapon in which the light will burst through. It's pretty cool, I am indeed learning and experiencing that impressions in my heart and even imagery are from the God. I claim them by faith!
Well, this is just the beginning and I do pray that our family will learn how to gain the victory which we already have in Christ Jesus. God has such great plans for my family.
Hallelujah!
Monday, 1 February 2010
Nothing to prove
Adapted from Mentoring Paradigms (by Rev Ps Edmund Chan)
"Nothing to prove is a state of deep security in God
Nothing to lose is a state of absolute surrender to God
Nothing to hide is a state of true integrity before God"
During the last zone mentoring on 30th Jan, Tony asked us to reflect upon these 3 questions. I realised that "Nothing to prove" was what I desperately needed to grow in. I listed 3 areas for myself
1) Prove my spirituality to others
2) Prove my concern to others
"...We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts." - 1 The 2:4
"...We were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else" - 1 The 2:6
God, help me to build a deep security in You to forsake the temptation and pleasures of seeking praise from man. Praise from men is cheap! Tiger Woods lost years of reputation and respect through one silly mistake (one which I could make myself). Praise from men is temporal and conditional, even within the body of Christ. Satan rides on our pride to use minor arguments to divide the church.
Seeking balance, we are not to be indifferent and isolated from others as well. God has called us to live and grow in a community. We are meant to show concern and encourage others. How do we discern between an inside-out concern and an exterior concern?
During the zone mentoring, my heart was impressed upon by the defining attribute of God's joy in one's service. Perhaps it reveals one's posture as well. If I practice my spirituality and love others in a way pleasing to God, I believe there would be joy in my heart. However, if I were to do likewise with a sense of duty and obligation, my hands may be clenched and there is an attitude of seriousness. I suddendly remember Ps Edmund shared once that he looked for that joy in God's servant. Many people can serve, but how many serve with a deep sense of joy.
God impressed upon my heart a verse during QT and later again during a sermon in the car.
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."-James 1:2-4
In the midst of a trial my family is facing, this verse really spoke into my life. This trial sometimes already feel beyond what I can bear, yet I am supposed to count it as joy?? This is just revolutionary...
Thus, two areas I desire to uncover the truth and reap the benefits from: 1) Joy from service and 2) Joy from trials.
"Nothing to prove is a state of deep security in God
Nothing to lose is a state of absolute surrender to God
Nothing to hide is a state of true integrity before God"
During the last zone mentoring on 30th Jan, Tony asked us to reflect upon these 3 questions. I realised that "Nothing to prove" was what I desperately needed to grow in. I listed 3 areas for myself
1) Prove my spirituality to others
2) Prove my concern to others
"...We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts." - 1 The 2:4
"...We were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else" - 1 The 2:6
God, help me to build a deep security in You to forsake the temptation and pleasures of seeking praise from man. Praise from men is cheap! Tiger Woods lost years of reputation and respect through one silly mistake (one which I could make myself). Praise from men is temporal and conditional, even within the body of Christ. Satan rides on our pride to use minor arguments to divide the church.
Seeking balance, we are not to be indifferent and isolated from others as well. God has called us to live and grow in a community. We are meant to show concern and encourage others. How do we discern between an inside-out concern and an exterior concern?
During the zone mentoring, my heart was impressed upon by the defining attribute of God's joy in one's service. Perhaps it reveals one's posture as well. If I practice my spirituality and love others in a way pleasing to God, I believe there would be joy in my heart. However, if I were to do likewise with a sense of duty and obligation, my hands may be clenched and there is an attitude of seriousness. I suddendly remember Ps Edmund shared once that he looked for that joy in God's servant. Many people can serve, but how many serve with a deep sense of joy.
God impressed upon my heart a verse during QT and later again during a sermon in the car.
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."-James 1:2-4
In the midst of a trial my family is facing, this verse really spoke into my life. This trial sometimes already feel beyond what I can bear, yet I am supposed to count it as joy?? This is just revolutionary...
Thus, two areas I desire to uncover the truth and reap the benefits from: 1) Joy from service and 2) Joy from trials.
Saturday, 30 January 2010
"God speaks in quiet corners"
A reason there is for inking
this entry in a poem.
Atune to how birds of the air
probably sing to another
with unique tunes and melody,
this is one composition
I pray God would use
to speak into her heart.
"God speaks in the quiet corners",
she says with conviction.
Impressed by the wisdom of her words,
she asks for it to be inscribed.
So a humble entry this is
in my pilgrimage with God,
sensing yet not exactly sure
where God is leading us to.
No way could I have imagined
that these writings posted online,
in a space more vast than the oceans
could minutely bridge two hearts
in the instance of a moment.
Perhaps one could sideline this
as mere coincidence or
simply the birth of a pure friendship;
but the peripherals of the circumstances
seem to reveal the hand of a Master
for a greater purpose.
Does God make mistakes?
Familiarity with me she has professed,
perhaps I realise not its significance
to a little girl residing within a lady
in a world full of dangers.
Can I provide the security she seeks;
I can't be certain except knowing
I desire to lean on God's providence
if He has called me to love her.
A chemistry beyond explanation;
joyful laughters springing from the heart,
beyond facial superficiality;
are these the works of divine knitting.
A rare sense of innocence,
coupled with witful cheekyness;
surely this is how God has preserved her.
As a tender shoot grows,
desiring to sprout the beauty
of what it was created for;
I find undeniable feelings budding,
cautious not to satisfy oneself,
but ultimately to sprout
the glory of the magnificent King;
But if I know not what tomorrow will bring,
a presumptuous faith I should not build.
I find a resting place to cry out
"Let thy will be done".
Even if pure friendship was the intent,
I seek to embrace it with a thankful heart,
for I know God desires a surrendered will.
Nonetheless one prayer remains true always,
that God will timely lead her to
her prince He set aside from the start.
"God speaks in the quiet corners",
she says not only with conviction,
but with a firm resolution.
This corner I desire to give her
and faithfully pray for her.
I thank and praise the Lord.
this entry in a poem.
Atune to how birds of the air
probably sing to another
with unique tunes and melody,
this is one composition
I pray God would use
to speak into her heart.
"God speaks in the quiet corners",
she says with conviction.
Impressed by the wisdom of her words,
she asks for it to be inscribed.
So a humble entry this is
in my pilgrimage with God,
sensing yet not exactly sure
where God is leading us to.
No way could I have imagined
that these writings posted online,
in a space more vast than the oceans
could minutely bridge two hearts
in the instance of a moment.
Perhaps one could sideline this
as mere coincidence or
simply the birth of a pure friendship;
but the peripherals of the circumstances
seem to reveal the hand of a Master
for a greater purpose.
Does God make mistakes?
Familiarity with me she has professed,
perhaps I realise not its significance
to a little girl residing within a lady
in a world full of dangers.
Can I provide the security she seeks;
I can't be certain except knowing
I desire to lean on God's providence
if He has called me to love her.
A chemistry beyond explanation;
joyful laughters springing from the heart,
beyond facial superficiality;
are these the works of divine knitting.
A rare sense of innocence,
coupled with witful cheekyness;
surely this is how God has preserved her.
As a tender shoot grows,
desiring to sprout the beauty
of what it was created for;
I find undeniable feelings budding,
cautious not to satisfy oneself,
but ultimately to sprout
the glory of the magnificent King;
But if I know not what tomorrow will bring,
a presumptuous faith I should not build.
I find a resting place to cry out
"Let thy will be done".
Even if pure friendship was the intent,
I seek to embrace it with a thankful heart,
for I know God desires a surrendered will.
Nonetheless one prayer remains true always,
that God will timely lead her to
her prince He set aside from the start.
"God speaks in the quiet corners",
she says not only with conviction,
but with a firm resolution.
This corner I desire to give her
and faithfully pray for her.
I thank and praise the Lord.
Monday, 11 January 2010
Job offer
I have just been offered a job at a rather unique organisation, WTO. And no, it’s not trade, it’s toilet!
Over the past year, I have found an interest for Bottom of Pyramid (BOP) markets. Basically it’s doing business in the developing countries. My current job does not allow me to venture into BOP and I have been contemplating to move on to another job if the opportunity arises. Somehow, over the weekend, a relevant job just arose from nowhere! I did pray for God to open doors, but now when one relevant opportunity is staring right at me in the face, I am not exactly certain if it’s from God. Perhaps the fact that I did pray about it should reinforce the possibility that it’s of God.
I feel strange now because although this is an opportunity I have been dreaming of, I stand before this job opening with uncertainty, almost with fear and trembling. I am not sure if I would be up to the job. While I have been familiarizing myself with BOP, I am still not exactly sure what WTO does. A major consideration is also my career prospects. While I often share with confidence the potential of BOP markets, I am unsure if it can really feed my family in the future.
As I hear myself writing this, I realise that I am not meant to know everything that is ahead. I need to trust God.
Over the past year, I have found an interest for Bottom of Pyramid (BOP) markets. Basically it’s doing business in the developing countries. My current job does not allow me to venture into BOP and I have been contemplating to move on to another job if the opportunity arises. Somehow, over the weekend, a relevant job just arose from nowhere! I did pray for God to open doors, but now when one relevant opportunity is staring right at me in the face, I am not exactly certain if it’s from God. Perhaps the fact that I did pray about it should reinforce the possibility that it’s of God.
I feel strange now because although this is an opportunity I have been dreaming of, I stand before this job opening with uncertainty, almost with fear and trembling. I am not sure if I would be up to the job. While I have been familiarizing myself with BOP, I am still not exactly sure what WTO does. A major consideration is also my career prospects. While I often share with confidence the potential of BOP markets, I am unsure if it can really feed my family in the future.
As I hear myself writing this, I realise that I am not meant to know everything that is ahead. I need to trust God.
Friday, 25 December 2009
Tearing my primary school report cards
Rev Edmund Chan preached at the Christmas Service today. I sat with the team whom I am going to Pekanbaru tomorrow and am extremely thankful for it was a very relevant message to prepare our hearts for the trip. Over the past few days, God has already been tutoring my heart that He is in control, a main point of the sermon. It's so amazing to be in tuned with God, knowing that He is speaking and the 'random' inspirations I have especially in my morning QT are indeed of God.
A joke was made in the message about a kid who saw his father's poor results in his own record card. A wild idea then came across me. I pictured myself tearing my primary school report books and scattering a few small pieces in the sea as I head to Batam tomorrow. This is not to prevent my future children from seeing my report card. I intend it to be a symbolic act of breaking away from this negative self worth because of my bad experience in primary school. Christ has already redeemed us and set us free. These acts merely act as a reminder and resolution to urge us ahead.
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.-Phil 3:13-14
I am someone who finds it hard to throw things away. It wasn't easy to tear the report books. At several points, I thought that it's also meaningful to keep it as a memory from my childhood and where God has brought me from.
Could there be a natural inclination to keep to things of the past, to stay in our comfort zone?
I pray that whenever I am tempted to feel lousy as a poor primary school student, I would look back at this symbolic act and boldly proclaim "I am a new creation in Christ!" I look forward to scattering it across the seas tomorrow morning.....
A joke was made in the message about a kid who saw his father's poor results in his own record card. A wild idea then came across me. I pictured myself tearing my primary school report books and scattering a few small pieces in the sea as I head to Batam tomorrow. This is not to prevent my future children from seeing my report card. I intend it to be a symbolic act of breaking away from this negative self worth because of my bad experience in primary school. Christ has already redeemed us and set us free. These acts merely act as a reminder and resolution to urge us ahead.
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.-Phil 3:13-14
I am someone who finds it hard to throw things away. It wasn't easy to tear the report books. At several points, I thought that it's also meaningful to keep it as a memory from my childhood and where God has brought me from.
Could there be a natural inclination to keep to things of the past, to stay in our comfort zone?
I pray that whenever I am tempted to feel lousy as a poor primary school student, I would look back at this symbolic act and boldly proclaim "I am a new creation in Christ!" I look forward to scattering it across the seas tomorrow morning.....
Leading my best friend to Christ
Do read the previous entry before this, it will be a double dose to the testimony of God's faithfulness!
Last Sunday, 20th Dec, was one of two evangelistic christmas services in CEFC. I often struggle in going without any pre-believing friends for such services. I invited some but none could make it. That morning in my QT, there was a sense of release from this subtle performance-based mindset. I went to church seeking to encounter God personally and was filled with joy. I sat with a sister whom I recently knew through the kid's camp.
There was a prior arrangement in the afternoon to visit my best friend from secondary school whose wife just gave birth to a baby boy (2 weeks old). We met for lunch at KFC@Jurongpoint before going to his condo. One thing led to another in the conversation and I eventually shared with him the E.cube and led him to Christ. The noisy environment around us was not a factor at all! God was present and it was a heartfelt sincere prayer my best friend uttered boldly to God. He has gone through much trials this year and God has already been working mightily. It was years ago since I started praying for him and God proved himself faithful not only to my prayers, but I am sure many of his other Christian friends as well. Am keeping him in prayer to be discipled.
If God had used me to lead someone to Christ earlier on in my walk, I would be more prideful. Today, I stand more humbled knowing that salvation belongs to our God. My faith is now more experiential, following the Hebraic understanding of the word 'Know' (that He is God).
Yesterday, I brought another secondary friend to the Mandarin Christmas Service on 24th Dec. His posture remains very guarded, but I know his heart was touched and perhaps one step closer.
By the way, after lunch at KFC, we went to his place to see the baby. It was really strange seeing a sec school friend caring for his baby! He's one of the first amongst the guys to be a parent :) We watched the movie Amazing Grace. It was fantastic! It's a great movie for a follow up, especially just after someone had received Christ :)
Praise Him.
Last Sunday, 20th Dec, was one of two evangelistic christmas services in CEFC. I often struggle in going without any pre-believing friends for such services. I invited some but none could make it. That morning in my QT, there was a sense of release from this subtle performance-based mindset. I went to church seeking to encounter God personally and was filled with joy. I sat with a sister whom I recently knew through the kid's camp.
There was a prior arrangement in the afternoon to visit my best friend from secondary school whose wife just gave birth to a baby boy (2 weeks old). We met for lunch at KFC@Jurongpoint before going to his condo. One thing led to another in the conversation and I eventually shared with him the E.cube and led him to Christ. The noisy environment around us was not a factor at all! God was present and it was a heartfelt sincere prayer my best friend uttered boldly to God. He has gone through much trials this year and God has already been working mightily. It was years ago since I started praying for him and God proved himself faithful not only to my prayers, but I am sure many of his other Christian friends as well. Am keeping him in prayer to be discipled.
If God had used me to lead someone to Christ earlier on in my walk, I would be more prideful. Today, I stand more humbled knowing that salvation belongs to our God. My faith is now more experiential, following the Hebraic understanding of the word 'Know' (that He is God).
Yesterday, I brought another secondary friend to the Mandarin Christmas Service on 24th Dec. His posture remains very guarded, but I know his heart was touched and perhaps one step closer.
By the way, after lunch at KFC, we went to his place to see the baby. It was really strange seeing a sec school friend caring for his baby! He's one of the first amongst the guys to be a parent :) We watched the movie Amazing Grace. It was fantastic! It's a great movie for a follow up, especially just after someone had received Christ :)
Praise Him.
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