Issue of authenticity, hurt and rejection has been an issue I am facing in my own life as well as others. One is literally crippled if he were to walk in hurt and rejection. It takes authenticity and for the spirit of God to do a spiritual excavation as I realise I have hurts and rejections which I often pass away. And ONLY through the cross can I walk in freedom and wholeness as Christ lives in me.
Have I fully embraced the sense of rejection when a girl I like tells me not to wait? I always tell myself, 'She has feelings, but now is not the right time', thus habouring hope which can be draining in the long run. Bottomline is, am I brave enough to accept a no for a no and not rationalise to prevent myself from being hurt? It's so easy to get caught in a whirlpool of own thoughts and miss out on the truth completely.
The recognition and attention I desire from others is something which is not obvious in my often expressionless exterior-but it lingers on the inside. It manfests itself in various ways when I fellowship with others, especially in large groups. The easy way out is to see myself better than everyone and simply brush my rejection aside. The hard way is to acknowledge my crippling self image and confess my need for God.
The identify I have in Christ is more valuable than anything else and if I do not view my self-worth according to my true identify, I am crippled. The tricky part is this-I may have lived out this truth many times before and truly live in God's power, but that does not necessarily mean I am living in the truth at this very moment.
It's so human to face hurts and rejections. I guess everyone faces it, but to different degrees. Being the critical me, perhaps I face it more than others. But comparison isn't the point. God's grace and love seem the sweetest whenever I acknowledge my pain and come before Him. He doesn't reject me. Jesus asked the Samaritian women to call her husband and come back (John 4:16). His intention wasn't to ask the women to literally bring the guy she is living with to come before Him (it didn't happen at all). He wanted the women to be honest and acknowledge her pain and shame so that He could restore her.
God comforted me through an earlier event in John 2 where Jesus drove the money changers out of the temple. In verse 20, He said 'Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days.' The Jews replied 'It has taken forty-six years to build this temple, and you are going to raise it in three days?'. The temple were to the Jews their way of worshipping God, years of religion and rituals. Similiar to how it took forty-six years to build that temple, often I feel my old ways are so prevalent and how can I ever be delivered from it. It's so assuring when Jesus said He will raise it in three days. He meant his body. I am in Christ and part of his body. I have been raised to new life through Jesus' resurrection and no matter how adament my old self seems, how can I live in it any longer as it is dead. Jesus took three days as compared to the old temple which took forty-six years to build.
I journey back to the cross again.
Saturday 10 November 2007
Sunday 4 November 2007
3 Questions
1) What is going on in my life right now?
Almost everyday, I would be thinking of the experiments and thesis in my research. I am progressing, and the end is in sight but I am unsure how much longer I need. My current aim is to complete all my experiments and first draft of my thesis before I return to Singapore on 21st Dec.
It's obvious my aim is research and I am devoting time to it, however, there's alot going on as well. Been devoting alot of time building bridges with people. Some has been fruitful, others not really. I am not as involved in SR and have not been attending Barnabas for the past month.
Have been facing frustration with the way I am seeing everyone. I seem to be on a fault finding rampage. Last week there was an outing at a pub because someone has successfully passed his Phd Viva. Was really put off by coarse joking and I just found it hard to be myself and smile and hide my critical self. When the friends I have been trying hard to reach out to and brought them to talks which I thought was clear and they should at least be starting to think about Christianity remain cold, I feel dissapointed. Of course I cannot reveal my dissapointment and continue to show love and patience. Also being judgemental about hypocrisy in others when I know they are putting up a front.
Put simply, life is a frantic scramble to finish my research in the midst of seeing myself as God and helping/reaching out to almost everyone I see with a need. I feel drained when I lose sight of God in all these.
2) What is God saying to me?
My life is disorganised at the moment and it's obvious that I am trying to do too much from my own agenda and not working with God. The fact that I get frustrated is evidence that I am not doing it with the right attitude. I believe God wants me to focus and not see myself as God. To trust in Him that even though I do not reach out to someone, He can still reach out to him! A friend mentioned that things should be effortless as God works through us.
He is working through my thoughts as well. My mind can wander about pretty badly and I struggle with negative thoughts. God has been teaching me through His word on the importance of the renewal of the MIND.
3) What am I doing about it?
God often lifts me up as I get down on my knees to seek Him in Word and prayer. It's all so clear in the mornings and as I start each day. However, the moment I step into the office, the battle starts as I get distracted by the behaviour of people around me and my critical self draws me far from God. It's really about identifying the thoughts which are unhelpful and living in the victory and love of God.
To stop seeing myself as someone superior who can help everyone who looks as if they need help. To not think of someone where I am not. To humble myself before others. To not see myself as God.
To be honest with self perceived rejection and be convinced of God's love for me.
To learn how to say No.
To know what I am doing and where I am heading.
Almost everyday, I would be thinking of the experiments and thesis in my research. I am progressing, and the end is in sight but I am unsure how much longer I need. My current aim is to complete all my experiments and first draft of my thesis before I return to Singapore on 21st Dec.
It's obvious my aim is research and I am devoting time to it, however, there's alot going on as well. Been devoting alot of time building bridges with people. Some has been fruitful, others not really. I am not as involved in SR and have not been attending Barnabas for the past month.
Have been facing frustration with the way I am seeing everyone. I seem to be on a fault finding rampage. Last week there was an outing at a pub because someone has successfully passed his Phd Viva. Was really put off by coarse joking and I just found it hard to be myself and smile and hide my critical self. When the friends I have been trying hard to reach out to and brought them to talks which I thought was clear and they should at least be starting to think about Christianity remain cold, I feel dissapointed. Of course I cannot reveal my dissapointment and continue to show love and patience. Also being judgemental about hypocrisy in others when I know they are putting up a front.
Put simply, life is a frantic scramble to finish my research in the midst of seeing myself as God and helping/reaching out to almost everyone I see with a need. I feel drained when I lose sight of God in all these.
2) What is God saying to me?
My life is disorganised at the moment and it's obvious that I am trying to do too much from my own agenda and not working with God. The fact that I get frustrated is evidence that I am not doing it with the right attitude. I believe God wants me to focus and not see myself as God. To trust in Him that even though I do not reach out to someone, He can still reach out to him! A friend mentioned that things should be effortless as God works through us.
He is working through my thoughts as well. My mind can wander about pretty badly and I struggle with negative thoughts. God has been teaching me through His word on the importance of the renewal of the MIND.
3) What am I doing about it?
God often lifts me up as I get down on my knees to seek Him in Word and prayer. It's all so clear in the mornings and as I start each day. However, the moment I step into the office, the battle starts as I get distracted by the behaviour of people around me and my critical self draws me far from God. It's really about identifying the thoughts which are unhelpful and living in the victory and love of God.
To stop seeing myself as someone superior who can help everyone who looks as if they need help. To not think of someone where I am not. To humble myself before others. To not see myself as God.
To be honest with self perceived rejection and be convinced of God's love for me.
To learn how to say No.
To know what I am doing and where I am heading.
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