A recent conversation led to the contemplation of life transforming principles. I believe it was a God anointed time as I started to experience breakthroughs immediately after.
It's the principle of inside-out.
Ps Edmund Chan calls it the Red Bar (External) and the Blue Bar (Internal). In 'Mentoring Paradigms', the external is defined by our affluence or acquisition (what we have), our associations (who we know), our appearance (how we look), our abilities (what we can do) and our accomplishments (what we have done). The internal focuses on integrity, character and the posture of the surrendered soul. It is a life that seeks to grow from the inside out.
An area I struggle with is my competency. This might be a surprise to many, but I struggle with language (spelling&vocab), being eloquent, and even daily common sense/sharpness displayed by others and which I am oblivious to. Especially since I started work, this self-doubt constantly arise. Also, I find it hard to engage the children whilst serving in sunday school.
Common advise may be 'Take it easy, you're still learning', 'We are all not perfect, just accept yourself'. They are true statements, but they do not deal with the root issue. I realise I have been so caught up with the external. Whenever I feel incompetent, it's because I 1) Focus on the external 2) Compare.
I am overly concerned about the externals because I lack a deep inner life. I have always assumed my inner life is pretty alright because of my spiritual disciplines and activities, but these are simply external yardsticks. My wrestle with insecurity and incompetency reflects otherwise. This is not an easy confession, because I find pleasure when others look on to me as a 'good' Christian.
It is foolish to orientate my life towards the externals. Because it is more peripheral than central, it becomes an endless pursuit of personal achievements and people's approval. No rest can thus be found. What reference do I measure the externals against? It will either result in pride or misery. On the other hand, reference for the inward is God, the most worthy pursuit which allows for imperfection along the way!
However, say what may, the externals are inevitable aspects of our life. The externals are often channels through which one makes an impact or influence on others. We cannot negate the externals. Instead, the focus has to be on cultivating a deep inner life to anchor the externals of life. Even the most sincere intentions would crumble without a solid foundation. Thus, the approach has to be inside-out. I will continue developing my externals, but I will not feel discouraged whenever I do not meet my own expectations(no sensible references in the first place!) and always return to the foundation. I learn to say 'It's Alright!' because the external is secondary.
The inwards is more invisible. As such, if I find faults in people, it would be oriented towards the external. Since the inwards is of utmost importance, I will pray for the person's inner life instead. Whatever judgment I make is definitely skewed anyway and what rights do I have to point any fingers when I myself do the same things.
The externals do not last.
