Just came back from Covenant's breakthrough weekend. It's different from the Encounter weekends I attended in UK. Breakthrough Wkend was less structured with ample time for rest, personal solitude and group time.
Went to the weekend wanting simply to have a personal encounter with God (Simple faith).
Two weeks leading up to the weekend, my walk with God was more aligned through two areas from Andrew Murray's 'Abide in me', namely resting on the complete work of the cross and not my own spiritual strivings (Simple Faith) and depending on God's grace for living the victorious Christian life each passing moment at a time (Moment-by-moment Faith) instead of bearing the worries of tomorrow and fear of not being a perfect Christian for the rest of my life.
On the first night, Ps Edmund Chan asked those who believe that God was present to raise up their hands. I raised up mine without looking around or waiting for others and I thank God and celebrate that. Without that desire to build up that Simple Faith and God's preparation, those convicted hands might not have gone up. The statement 'A breakthrough is possible for me NOW' blessed me tremendously. It demonstrates how God has already been speaking to me and the weekend served as a round-up. During the altar call, I was focused on the finished work on the cross which made whatever breakthroughs possible.
An issue stood out when we were dealing with our history. It has to do with my poor self-worth because of my poor academic abilities. I experienced traumatic experiences in primary school because I was one of the poorest student. Until today, memories of me crying in class and how I feared teachers still remain. I could run and jump on Sports Day, but could not study. I remember my athletes teacher giving me a banner to encourage me in my studies because I was quite known for my poor academic results. I was posted to Chung Cheng High School (Branch), a below average school with only 2 Express classes. After which I was intending to attend Polytechnic, but had 16 points which enabled me to get into a JC. I was allocated Serangoon JC and appealed to get into Tampiness JC. My mindset is 'I had to appeal even to get into a JC near the bottom of the rankings'. I failed to get into NTU and went overseas. I did well in university and got offered a scholarship to do a PhD which I took up. It ended with a loud bang as my external examiner was from Imperial College and he noted that my thesis was one of the best he had ever read.
I used to feel something churning within whenever I hear or meet people from top schools. I often get envious of people whom I consider to be sharp and intellectual. After I became a Christian, my consolation was that these people do not know God and I do. However, I then struggled whenever I encountered godly people who are from top schools. Whenever someone mentions about being a lecturer, my instant reaction would be to share how academically weak I am. Whenever people marvel at my Phd, I feel a contradiction within and misunderstood.
Throughout my PhD, I know that the PhD was entirely from and of God. I reminded myself not to complain about my weaknesses since God is making a DR out of me. However, when I shared about this with my group during breakthrough weekend, I felt a sense of release and layers started to peel. I found myself again in awe of God's grace and love. When Ps Kai spoke about pride on Sat night, I realised that my sense of low self-esteem was rooted in the pride of wanting to be the best. I felt a sense of freedom as I started to renew my mind, that 'It's OK to not be the best'. Compared to many others who did not even attend JC, how can I say I am helpless at academia. More importantly, now that God has blessed me with this PhD with an ending which is exceedingly more than I imagined, how can I choose to reside in my pride of comparison and envy.
During the group time, I also confessed my sexual struggles on a deeper level as I ever had before. I experienced God's grace and love through the group as I felt accepted nonetheless. Through this breakthrough weekend, I realise on a deeper level the importance of a close community to share my life closely with.
I also applied the remove and replace principle in my struggle with pride with others. Instead of simply struggling to consider others better than myself (remove pride part), whenever I chose to realise how great a destiny God has for every individual (replace part), the comparison goes and there is a sense of joy.
All in all, I know I have met God in this breakthrough weekend.
Monday, 24 November 2008
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
'Abide in me'
Starting on the 10 days of meditation leading to my first Breakthrough Weekend. First day is about yielding to God. Also reading Andrew Murray's 'Abide in Christ' and I have been blessed.
I could memorise hundreds of bible verses, spend hours of QT daily, spread the gospel to every stranger I see, yet not have an intimate relationship with God. Strangely though, aren't these meant to be the outworking of my faith? I realise I have been too caught up with the form and missed Christ. Funny thing is I have always considered myself to be one who is focused on the heart of the matter. Yet my insecurities and distracted mind reflect a lack of restedness within which can only come through abiding in Christ.
Andrew Murray writes
'Abiding in Him is not a work that we have to do as the condition for enjoying His salvation, but a consenting to let Him do all for us, and in us, and through us. Our part is simply to yield, to trust, and to wait for what He has engaged to perform.'
'And if the question is asked, 'But surely there is something for us to do?' the answer is, 'Our doing and working are but the fruit of Christ's work in us.' It is when the soul becomes utterly passive, looking and resting on what Christ is to do, that its energies are stirred to their highest activity, that we work most effectively because we know that He works in us.'
In much of my thoughts and discussions with people, I feel there is sometimes this invisible drift towards our efforts in being a Christian. Perhaps my mind gets distracted because of the tons of things I plan to do, even seemingly good things like MyHope Singapore, strengthening friendships. Jesus told his disciples not to be amazed at the fact they can cast out demons but rejoice that their names are written in the book of life. To abide in Christ, that's ALL I need to do. Perhaps I should not even use the word 'need to do', but to yield to Him.
I could memorise hundreds of bible verses, spend hours of QT daily, spread the gospel to every stranger I see, yet not have an intimate relationship with God. Strangely though, aren't these meant to be the outworking of my faith? I realise I have been too caught up with the form and missed Christ. Funny thing is I have always considered myself to be one who is focused on the heart of the matter. Yet my insecurities and distracted mind reflect a lack of restedness within which can only come through abiding in Christ.
Andrew Murray writes
'Abiding in Him is not a work that we have to do as the condition for enjoying His salvation, but a consenting to let Him do all for us, and in us, and through us. Our part is simply to yield, to trust, and to wait for what He has engaged to perform.'
'And if the question is asked, 'But surely there is something for us to do?' the answer is, 'Our doing and working are but the fruit of Christ's work in us.' It is when the soul becomes utterly passive, looking and resting on what Christ is to do, that its energies are stirred to their highest activity, that we work most effectively because we know that He works in us.'
In much of my thoughts and discussions with people, I feel there is sometimes this invisible drift towards our efforts in being a Christian. Perhaps my mind gets distracted because of the tons of things I plan to do, even seemingly good things like MyHope Singapore, strengthening friendships. Jesus told his disciples not to be amazed at the fact they can cast out demons but rejoice that their names are written in the book of life. To abide in Christ, that's ALL I need to do. Perhaps I should not even use the word 'need to do', but to yield to Him.
Sunday, 5 October 2008
Getting involved in Sunbeam
Feel werid at the moment. Helped out for the first time in sunday school for primary school children-Sunbeam.
I feel it's where the rubber hits the road. Above all my intellectual discussion of God's love, Sunbeam is where I am forced to walk the talk. J shared with me 'It's not about controlling the children, but communicating with them'. It really helped alot to shift my perspective from my own inexperience to deal with children to simply seeing them from God's perspective. Some were really rebellious and naughty!
With children, one has to talk the initiative, i.e., talking to children even when they do not respond!
Am not entirely sure if Sunbeam is the place where I should serve, but it will certainly force me to depend on God (and thus walking the talk). I do not have a bubbly nature and so I will just have to let go of myself and focus on making a difference in the lives of the children. God, lead and guide me.
I feel it's where the rubber hits the road. Above all my intellectual discussion of God's love, Sunbeam is where I am forced to walk the talk. J shared with me 'It's not about controlling the children, but communicating with them'. It really helped alot to shift my perspective from my own inexperience to deal with children to simply seeing them from God's perspective. Some were really rebellious and naughty!
With children, one has to talk the initiative, i.e., talking to children even when they do not respond!
Am not entirely sure if Sunbeam is the place where I should serve, but it will certainly force me to depend on God (and thus walking the talk). I do not have a bubbly nature and so I will just have to let go of myself and focus on making a difference in the lives of the children. God, lead and guide me.
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
Email to friends: Reflection from news
Email sent to friends:
One cannot make sense of what's happening around the world these days. Events beyond anyone's wildest imagination are occuring at alarming rates with global impacts.
We are caught unaware and unprepared. Our perspectives change because life may not seem so secure after all. Plans change because of the year end bonus. If the largest banks in the world can collapse, how can one pin life (fulfillment, enjoyment, etc) on the condominium and the one million that we plan to make in the future? Well, maybe with proper planning and under the wings of the government, we will not be so 'suay' to land ourselves into deep troubles. But can one offer any guarantees that Singapore will stay the way it is even in the next 5, 10, 20 years? Are we 100% safe from devastating earthquakes? One lesson to be learnt even in the recent years of the world's history is 'Never say never'.
One question we should ask is 'What exactly is certain then?'. Conversations often carry sacarsm and relationships tinted by the lack of absolute trust because we have all been biten by deception-what's seen is not what it really is. Our world is gravitated towards the exterior when it's the credibility of the interior that matters.
I cannot help but feel there is something amiss in this world. Maybe others sense it too and if so how do they cope with it? I guess an easy option would be to accept it as part of life and not think about it. It's scary how most people live through a routine and not pause to think about life itself outside work, family and relationships. We are created too wonderful a creature to be incidental here on earth to lead a routine life.
The beginning of a wiser perspective to life is to be aware of the frailty of this world and life itself without losing the significance we were made to be.
One cannot make sense of what's happening around the world these days. Events beyond anyone's wildest imagination are occuring at alarming rates with global impacts.
We are caught unaware and unprepared. Our perspectives change because life may not seem so secure after all. Plans change because of the year end bonus. If the largest banks in the world can collapse, how can one pin life (fulfillment, enjoyment, etc) on the condominium and the one million that we plan to make in the future? Well, maybe with proper planning and under the wings of the government, we will not be so 'suay' to land ourselves into deep troubles. But can one offer any guarantees that Singapore will stay the way it is even in the next 5, 10, 20 years? Are we 100% safe from devastating earthquakes? One lesson to be learnt even in the recent years of the world's history is 'Never say never'.
One question we should ask is 'What exactly is certain then?'. Conversations often carry sacarsm and relationships tinted by the lack of absolute trust because we have all been biten by deception-what's seen is not what it really is. Our world is gravitated towards the exterior when it's the credibility of the interior that matters.
I cannot help but feel there is something amiss in this world. Maybe others sense it too and if so how do they cope with it? I guess an easy option would be to accept it as part of life and not think about it. It's scary how most people live through a routine and not pause to think about life itself outside work, family and relationships. We are created too wonderful a creature to be incidental here on earth to lead a routine life.
The beginning of a wiser perspective to life is to be aware of the frailty of this world and life itself without losing the significance we were made to be.
Thursday, 25 September 2008
Was certain about DSO
As I receive the rejection from DSO (Defense Science Organisation), I reflect upon how sure I was that it was God-directed. So much so that I did not really apply for other jobs. All comes back to the big question of hearing from God. Don't think I will find a complete answer on this side of eternity, but one thing I have learnt is never to be boastfully sure. But faith is to be SURE of what is unseen right? I see it now as a tension between faith and mercy.
James 4:13-16
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.
I used to think that praying 'If it is the Lord's will' reflects doubt despite having read this verse before. There is more for me to understand and apply this truth. For now, I believe that one's assurance can lie in self, not realising God's underlying mercy and grace. My confidence in DSO was largely based on the fact that I was a Singaporean with a PhD. It's tricky too, because confidence in God extends to confidence in self too. Reminds me of the centrality of our identify in Christ. Maybe I should learn how to pray 'If it's Your will Lord.....' (confidently).
James 4:13-16
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.
I used to think that praying 'If it is the Lord's will' reflects doubt despite having read this verse before. There is more for me to understand and apply this truth. For now, I believe that one's assurance can lie in self, not realising God's underlying mercy and grace. My confidence in DSO was largely based on the fact that I was a Singaporean with a PhD. It's tricky too, because confidence in God extends to confidence in self too. Reminds me of the centrality of our identify in Christ. Maybe I should learn how to pray 'If it's Your will Lord.....' (confidently).
Monday, 1 September 2008
Impressions in my heart
Just got back after visiting some Covenenters in Avon Park. While going for my swim this evening, I came across two children at the pool. When I gently pushed a drifting float back towards them, they mustered a synchronised 'Thank You'. I had an impression in my heart that they could be the children of the Covenenters (Kong Yeow and Catherine) I was about to meet tonight. Lo and behold, I saw them again tonight.
Realise that the impressions I get in my heart sometimes are from God. Learning how to tune in to them. As I reflect, realise there is no key in listening from God, it's simply walking close with Him, being still and listening.
Realise that the impressions I get in my heart sometimes are from God. Learning how to tune in to them. As I reflect, realise there is no key in listening from God, it's simply walking close with Him, being still and listening.
A prayer
Real you are my Lord and God
Otherwise things will not
Be the way they are today
So forgive me Lord
For doubts and lack of faith
Into your love I come afresh
Freeing myself from all legalism
Even things I want to do for you
Seem so fruitless inspite of prayers
So let my prayers rise to a new level
And put first things first
Free me beyond my web of introspection
To love You and consider others
And surrender the pride of perfection
To walk in weakness and overcoming failures
Tuning myself in dependency on You
Otherwise things will not
Be the way they are today
So forgive me Lord
For doubts and lack of faith
Into your love I come afresh
Freeing myself from all legalism
Even things I want to do for you
Seem so fruitless inspite of prayers
So let my prayers rise to a new level
And put first things first
Free me beyond my web of introspection
To love You and consider others
And surrender the pride of perfection
To walk in weakness and overcoming failures
Tuning myself in dependency on You
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